Thank you, Dana L-Carre, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard about the battle between Heineken NV and Anheuser-Busch InBev over recyclable beer keg technology. And, we thought, Beer kegs that you can eat once all of the beer has been drank? Uhh, dranken? Drunked? Man, it’s too early in the day for grammar – the bar hasn’t opened yet! You know, like those bowls your salad comes in in Mexican restaurants that you can eat? We don’t care who developed the technology – we want! But, our initial joyful response was undermined by reality, as it so often is: the kegs are made out of recyclable materials, but they are not edible. So, they can be broken down into their component parts and used to make new kegs, but we can’t eat them. Oh, really? We can’t eat them? Well, we like a challenge. We’ll tell you if the kegs are edible or not…after we’ve had enough of the beverage in them!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Next Hit Song For Political Rallies Everywhere
Fascists. Fascists
Roly-poly fascists
Fascists. Fascists
Beat them up
Yum
In the morning, losing, hacky fascists
In the evening, swimming in the muck
Fascists. Fascists
Roly-poly fascists
Fascists. Fascists
Beat them up
Yum
Tell a fascist anything you want to
They won’t listen, they can’t think
Fascists. Fascists
Roly-poly fascists
Fascists. Fascists
Beat them up
Yum
They can’t play baseball, they don’t wear polo shirts
They’re not good dancers, they don’t play drums
Roly-poly fascists are never seen drinking cappuccino
In Italian restaurants with Oriental women
Yeah
Fascists. Fascists
Roly-poly fascists
Fascists. Fascists
Beat them up
Yum
With apologies to Barnes and Barnes
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/793.html]
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Taking Solipsism To New Heights Of Solips
Arizona Senate candidate Kelli Ward suggested that the announcement of Senator John McCain’s death was timed to hurt her primary campaign. “He was a tough old bastard,” Ward said. “He could have held out until the mid-terms if he had wanted to. But, no – he chose to die before the crucial vote just to spite me!”
After shaking our heads, we asked why Ward would think McCain’s death was in any way related to her campaign. “He hated me because I hated him,” Ward explained. “Vindictive bastard!”
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2018/08/24/election/main542815.shtml]
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Surveillance State Your Case
“You mean to say,” Winston Smith blanched, “that a chip inside my phone allows Big Brother to know where I am at every moment of the day and night?”
“More like a line of code, really. But why should that trouble you?” O’Brien reasonably asked. “You have nothing to worry about if you have committed no crimes.”
Winston Smith knew that there must be a flaw in O’Brien’s logic, but he could find none.
– excerpt from George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-four: The Updated Version
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.44.68/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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The Absurd Ironyometer Hopes It’s Wrong In Its Suspicion About Who Is Teaching The Children (Because It’s Obvious What The Curriculum Is)
“We will not tolerate anybody using our children as pawns for grandstanding and political games.”
– Ontario Premier Doug Ford responding to criticism of his rollback of the sex-ed curriculum in the province
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Fans Of Extreme Sports Are Gonna Looooove Extreme Weather Events
A northern California wildfire became the biggest in state history, eclipsing a previous record set only eight months ago, as hot, windy conditions fanned 17 blazes in what Governor Jerry Brown has called California’s “new normal.” Cows are dying of thirst in Switzerland, fires are gobbling up timber in Sweden, the majestic Dachstein glacier is melting in Austria.
“It’s going into residences, backyards, farmland,” said Mitch Bosma, a spokesman with Cal Fire for the Mendocino Complex Fire. “In Europe, each year about 5 percent of Europeans have to face an extreme climate event – be that a heat wave, a flood, a drought. But in the second half of this century, if the global warming is not checked, we could see two Europeans out of every three who have to face extreme climate events,” Mr. Jouzel said.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Pardon Me If This Comes Across As Rudy, But…
Rudy Guiliani, part of Donald Trump’s defence team, has stated that the President would be happy to testify that he never discussed Michael Flynn with Former FBI Director James Comey. But, of course, Guiliani won’t let Trump testify in front of Special Prosecutor Robert Meuller, claiming that the investigation is a “perjury trap.” Rudy! If you don’t want your client to lie to the Special Prosecutor, why don’t you stop advising him to!
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/opening-monologue-08-22-18]
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Forgive Us For Shouting, But This Is, Relatively Speaking, Subdued For The Subject
HE WAS THE ENDLESSLY ENTHUSIASTIC – SOME MIGHT SAY BOMBASTIC – CHRONICLER OF THE EXCESSES OF THE WORLD’S WEALTHIEST PEOPLE! WHETHER IT WAS CRAWLING THROUGH GOLD-PLATED SEPTIC TANKS OR SWILLING CHAMPAGNE IN SECLUDED JUNGLE MANSIONS WHILE WATCHING ANIMAL SPECIES BECOME EXTINCT, ROBIN LEACH NEVER RAN OUT OF EXCLAMATION MARKS TO DESCRIBE IT ALL!!!!!!! !! AND NOW, AT THE AGE OF 76, A STROKE HAS SENT HIM TO THE GREAT TANNING SALON IN THE SKY!
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Brothers In Alarms
Responding to the news that his former lawyer Michael Cohen plead guilty to crimes, implicated him and offering to cooperate with investigators, President Donald Trump commented, “Flipping is for burger joint employees and Olympic diving competitions, not politics. No flipping. No flipping. NO COLLUSION! And, no flipping! What are you, a man, or a dolphin? Nobody likes flippers, even if they like Flipper. Nobody likes a rat. A…dolphin rat. Is there even such a thing? Not in my administration! No rats! No flipping!”
Luigi “Testify, Brother!” Vercotti, a fine underworld figure of a man, responded: “Umm, yeah. * SNIFF * I been sayin’ that for years. Nobody likes a rat. Snitches get stitches in their britches with witches in ditches, bitches. Henh henh. Clever, eh? I just made that up. Don’t do drugs…unless you get them from an authorized dealer on the street corner – look for the Vercotti seal of approval. Henh henh. But, seriously: snitching hurts everybody in the community. Well, everybody in my community. So, like the President says: just say no!”
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/8/18/Artykul/200235,Collusion-Delusion]
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