Thank you, Chip Abella, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Recently, we have been running ASCII illustrations in this space that, for reasons we don’t quite understand, people actually seem to have enjoyed. Stop it. Stop it right now or you’ll grow hair on the inside of your eyes, which, by the way, will be blind.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
TIS Pity They’re Such Whores
The federal government is defending its decision to award a contract to Total Intelligence Solutions, an American company owned by the same holding company that owns Blackwater, to teach Canadian military suppliers how to cheat on government contracts.
A Department of National Defense spokesperson said, “You don’t want slipshod work when it comes to lowballing cost estimates when bidding for a contract or absurdly inflating actual costs once you?ve secured a contract. That would be an embarrassment to the government and would show a lack of respect for our brave troops who are risking their lives every day so that corporations that supply the military can make obscene profits.”
The DND spokesperson added that there was nothing wrong with hiring an American company for this purpose. “You go where the best knowledge of corrupt practices is, and, let’s face it, that’s the United States,” she stated. “Anything less would show a lack of respect for our brave troops who are risking their lives every day so that…you know…”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080827.eladvote0827_@/BNStory/newsProfiteeringCatastrophe2008/]
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Try Again When There Are No Trees Left To Cut Down
“New greenbelt rules poorly times, industry says”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1374493028]
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Republican Denial Syndrome – Coming Soon To A Psychiatric Diagnostic Manual Near You
Signs of Brain Damage
The presidential legacy of George W. Bush includes: a catastrophic war, torture, kangaroo courts, black sites, extraordinary rendition, no-bid contracts, recess appointments, wireless wiretapping, fired US Attorneys, Plame leak, Katrina response, doubled national debt and global warming denial.
Here is why I am voting for John McCain…
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=596&dir=bb]
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This [A] Gives You Several Choices Of [B] To Make You Feel Like A [C]
Generic Movie Trailer
“In a time of [A], when all [B] seems lost, one [C] will overcome [D] to [E]!”
-
- terror
- change
- great change
- whole heaping shitloads of change
- severe diaper rash
-
- hope
- hype
- herpes
- Hermes
- talcum powder
-
- sad, lonely man with a chip on his shoulder
- hero with an unaccountable obsession with the movie You’ve Got Mail
- aardvark nunchuk master
- former model turned kickass actor
- toaster oven
-
- his irrational fear of Meg Ryan
- X rated obstacles in a PG rated political environment
- dehydration at the bottom of the ocean
- hordes of shuffling zombies
- hordes of galloping cliches
-
- save the world
- enslave the world
- enslave the girl
- prey and hurl
- cover his ass
INSTRUCTIONS: Add one (1) deep voice and project before popular movies to generate excitement.
SOURCE: Entertainment for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=492&dir=bb]
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Say What You Will About Him, But Archie Andrews Knew How To Bend The Masses To His Will
Andrew Corsi’s book, The Obama Nation: Leftist Politics and the Cult of Personality, claims to contain “600 footnotes” that have been “[s]crupulously sourced.” This is impressive, until you realize that half of the footnotes come from Archie comic books.
Meanwhile, Republican presidential candidate John McCain apparently used Wikipedia to assemble a speech in response to Russia’s invasion of Georgia. Now how am I ever going to convince my children not to use Wikipedia for high school English assignments?
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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You Shouldn’t Ascribe To Incompetence What Can Be Explained By Ineptitude
Tuesday. Or, Thursday. Or, maybe next week some time. 7pm. Or, 11pm. CBC. Dr. Who. In a move of stunning incompetence, the CBC, a co-producer, doesn’t know what to do with one of the most popular shows on British television. (HINT: promotion and a stable time slot would have been nice.)
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp’referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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It Sounds Better If You Hear It In Your Head As If Sean Connery Was Saying It
First it was because they funded artists whose work did not reflect mainstream Canadian values (whatever those are). Then, the money could be better spent on funding Canadian athletes. Now, the Prime Minister says he was just “trimming fat.” Next week, it will be because the arts programmes bullied the Conservatives in grade school, causing them to have an irrational fear of Atom Egoyan films. As we learned with the Iraq war, when a government can’t make up its mind about why it did something, it’s usually hiding the real reason.
Some insiders have suggested that the real reason the Conservative government has cut funding to seven programmes for the arts is because the arts community opposed C-10, the government’s bill to cut funding for films it deemed objectionable. As one insider put it: “When they kill one of your bills, you kill seven of their programmes. That’s the Ottawa way.”
SOURCE: Payback
[http:www.paybackmag.com/articles/magazine/20080824/canadiancontent?ohCruelestCuts.html]
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That Would Explain Why He Never Got His ERA Under 5.13
Did you know that Barack Obama’s arm is made of cottage cheese?
Did you know that Michelle Obama’s pearls are actually radio transmitters permanently tuned to Radio Free Albemuth?
Did you know that, if elected President, Obama will name Osama bin Laden as his Secretary of Funky Grooviness?
Of course you didn’t. Because these things are not true. However, if they help paint a negative portrait of the Democrat presidential candidate, we?ll add them to our Conservative talking points and blanket the media with them.
“Hi. I’m John McCain and I…uhh…I approved…this…uhh, what am I here for again?”
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1015352606]
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In Medical Malpractice, There Are No Coincidences…
Despite the fact that Health Canada issued warnings that certain “atypical antipsychotic drugs” could cause increased risk of stroke and other health issues in elderly patients with dementia, their use has increased.
“It’s not like the patients are in any condition to care,” Doctor Hugo Z. Hackenbush, whose medical background is somewhat obscure, commented. “Researchers at Health Canada should take a pill…and, coincidentally, I just happen to have one I can recommend…”
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1164H3EC-2C145-20K5-BBB1582614B711011]
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