Thank you, Cat von Screech, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, looking out the window, we were inspired to write a poem:
Though April snowstorms
May come your way
They bring the nothing good – Mother Nature, what the hell were you thinking? No, seriously, this is your idea of normal, acceptable weather? Have you completely lost your mind?!!!!!!
…in the May
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Future Of Childhood Is Grimm
Mama Bear was shot in the back when Baby Bear accidentally got hold of her semi-automatic handgun and shot her in the back while they were out in the forest foraging for berries. Fairy Tale Land authorities are considering charging Mama Bear with unsafe storage of a firearm and child endangerment.
“Umm, yeah,” Papa Bear shrugged. “So, maybe it’s not such a good idea to let the National Rifle Association rewrite fairy tales to support the organization’s pro-gun agenda. It’s not like we don’t already have enough problems with cities encroaching on our natural habitat and cute blond girls forever slipping into our cottage and eating our food!”
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.44.45/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
more
There Really Is Little Meric In The Argument
The University of Toronto has rejected recommendations that it sell off its investments in J. D. Ripper, Inc.
Universities across Canada have been weighing whether to dump their holdings in mass murderers for several years. Students and faculty at McGill University, for example, have pressured the administration to divest itself of all stock in Ed Gein, LLC., while the University of British Columbia has come under criticism for holding stock in Charles Starkweather, Inc. Holding it tight.
UofT President Meric Gertler explained that “the institution only accounts for a small number of killings in Victorian England. If we divest our holdings in it, somebody else will snap them up, and, even if they don’t, it will only make a very small change in the overall rates of murder and violence.”
So, that’s okay, then.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=397262]
more
Are You Saying Those Tracks Are Of Your Tears?
How come when a musician has a heroin habit, he’s a “tragic artist,” but when a comedian has a heroin habit, he’s a “pathetic loser.” I don’t have any particular reason for asking – I’m just curious…
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel – Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
more
Phew! DoJed A Bullet There!
The Justice Department has claimed that it has found a way to access the content of the cellphone of a dead terrorist. Because of this, the agency dropped a lawsuit against Apple Computers that would have forced the company that made the device to circumvent its security so that the government could get the information that was on it.
In a press release, the desultory DoJ stated: “We didn’t want your stupid, smelly, source code, anyway! We – we – we’ve got our own way of getting the information off the dead terrorist’s phone. Yeah! Our own way! So – so – so go suck a melon, Apple Computers!”
When asked what information the FBI had gotten from the iPhone, the DoJ said. “Who wants to know?” Then, it stomped off to its room, slammed the door and turned on the radio really, really loud.
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB112073398691115714,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
more
Let’s Hope She’s Not Thinking Of Replacing It With Pink Floyd’s “Money”
The Ontario Liberal Party’s practice of holding private dinners for people who can afford to pay $500 or more per plate has come under increasing criticism since – ahem – we broke the story last week. Premier Kathleen Wynne has announced that she will act to make the process more transparent.
For one thing, she stated that the Party’s theme song in the next election will not be Cindy Lauper’s “Money Changes Everything.”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1088000831813&call_pageid=968792278492&col=968543972154]
more
There’s Nothing Like A Really Tough Public Shaming To Make People Think Twice About Killing Each Other
In a sensational trial that held the country spellbound, Jack the Ripper has been found not guilty of all charges of murdering seven women. It is a tragic verdict for the victims, of course, but the justice system performed exactly as it should.
Public opinion will mete out its own sentence on Jack the Ripper, holding him to a higher standard than the courts. This is just, too.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20160329.eladvote0329_@/BNStory/lettersJustIce2016/]
more
Do They Even Have Any Products Selling For $1 Any More?
Maybe They Should Change The Name Of The Chain To “Dollarsarama…”
Dollarama is raising its maximum price on the products it sells from $3 to $4 in order to focus on quality. Explained CEO Larry Rossy, “You get what you pay for.”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=77ddccd7-f6f3-4f9f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a020]
more
Fear The Fear Of Terrorism
(Wasn’t That An X-Files Episode?)
Muslim men are being arrested, not for crimes they have committed, but for crimes they maybe, possibly, perhaps, conceivably, perchance, we don’t know but it is within the vast realm of possibility, might commit in the future. Such “preventive” measures, a response to terrorist attacks on major cities around the world, may include peace bonds that dictate where somebody can live, how they use the Internet or cellphones and how late they can leave their homes, even though they have been convicted of no crime.
This is why a democracy is always better than a dictatorship. In a dictatorship, the government can arrest anybody it is afraid of. In a democracy, the government can arrest anybody it thinks the public is afraid of.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
more
You’ll Never See Me Holding A Fire Sale – Everything You Buy Is A Fire Sale!
LOOKING FOR WORK
You say you have the perfect place for a condo, but you can’t build it because somebody dumped a heritage site on the lot? Don’t worry your pretty little urban developer’s head over it – I’m here to help make your problem go out in a blaze of glory! I’m Jimmy “Live in the Moment” Battagliou, and I take on the demolition jobs that other companies won’t! Discretion is guaranteed – Jimmy Battagliou’s no rat! Yes, I give volume discounts. And, the best part? As long as you have fire insurance, my service will more than pay for itself!
For prices and other enquiries, leave your contact information in an unmarked envelop behind a dumpster in an alley off Richmond Street at John.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/040938.qrhtml]
more