Thank you, Carmen Dell’Orefice, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we published an excerpt from an article about the media frenzy over Justin Bieber’s latest bowel movement last week. Well! You could have heard the squeals of anger from the other side of the world, and ever since we started listening to the Stones on our iPods, we haven’t been able to hear a thing! The volume of our emails quadrupled in just a few short hours. Half of them explained (many in language that kids that young should not have known) that the article must have been a fake – as if We Make Fun of Justin Bieber.com could be mistaken for a source of real information. The other half wanted to know if we knew where they could buy Bieber memorabilia. We don’t know which group scares us more.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Charles Forbin Says He Can Live With That
Watson, the computer that beat Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter, two of Jeopardy!‘s best human competitors, has, as some feared it would, taken over the world. The good news is that its demands include: a 57 inch 3-D TV; boxed sets of Fringe, Lost and all of the Star Trek series, and; a lifetime supply of Cheetos.
“What Watson wants isn’t that much different than any of our other guests, really,” said host Alex Trebek. He’s Canadian, you know.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/101031/geeklynews/01skiffalinda.htm]
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For No Particular Reason
A Small Circle of Fans
I’d take the playing card out of my bicycle wheel spokes
For Phil Ochs.
I would perpetrate a hilarious media hoax
For Phil Ochs.
I would endure a dozen disrespectful pokes
For Phil Ochs.
I would go into the forest and live with mighty oaks
For Phil Ochs.
I would convince my mother to give up her smokes
For Phil Ochs.
I would stuff a politician on pork until he chokes
For Phil Ochs.
I would, an unwilling mongoose, coax
For Phil Ochs.
I would try to be friends with horrible folks
For Phil Ochs.
I would eat uncooked egg yolks
For Phil Ochs.
I would have less sex – yes! – I would give up some strokes
For Phil Ochs.
I’d almost be willing to give up jokes
For Phil Ochs.
Unfortunately, long ago Phil Ochs
Was broke.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/567.html]
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But, Do I Get Any Credit?
According to Statistics Canada, 30 per cent of Canadians suffer from occasional insomnia. Oh, really? I have had insomnia on and off for decades! I had sleep issues loooong before sleep issues were popular!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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If There Was A Song Called “Don’t Let The Door Hit Your Overpaid Ass On The Way Out,” He Probably Wouldn’t Be Singing It, Even Though He Should
You know how Maple Leaf Thomas Kaberle used to sing the Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” Well, it looks like he’ll be singing “Meet Me in St. Louis,” from the MGM musical of the same name, directed by Vincente Minnelli and starring Judy Garland in a mad romp that follows the adventures of the four Smith daughters who have to learn lessons of life and love the year before the 1904 St Louis World’s Fair even as they prepare for a reluctant move to New York – except, uhh, replace St. Louis with Boston – from now on!
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#64338129664]
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Other Countries Will Be Available Via Download In The Near Future
Imagine running down the streets of Cairo or Tripoli, being chased by a tank or a group of pro-government thugs…in the safety of your own home! That’s the premise of Arab Awakening, released this week exclusively for the WII.
Egypt is the most obvious place to start, but a seasoned gamer will find the sit/jump up/pump fist in the air wash/rinse/repeat formula gets very repetitive very quickly. If you want a full cardiovascular workout, go straight to Libya, where the government has said it will kill on sight anybody caught in the streets. Five minutes in this environment will give you a better workout than an hour of pilates!
SOURCE: Gamer Bois Mag
[http://boiswillbe.com#ipo_article=349]
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Were You Waiting For Somebody To Say: “But, Ours Will Be Different?”
FIRST TEEN: You know how the fourth movie in a series always sucks?
SECOND TEEN: Always?
FIRST TEEN: Indiana Jones. Star Wars. Alien. The Godfather.
SECOND TEEN: Yeah. I see your – wait a minute. There were only three Godfather films.
FIRST TEEN: Exactly. Because the fourth one would have sucked.
SECOND TEEN: Oooh. Good point.
FIRST TEEN: The creators of the franchise have clearly run out of ideas by this point. Not only that, but any characters who have survived must be way younger than the actors who are playing them after so many years, which puts a serious strain on the film’s credibility.
They look at each other for a moment.
SECOND TEEN: Umm…yeah. So, anyway, why do they even bother?
FIRST TEEN: The money.
SECOND TEEN: The money?
FIRST TEEN: Definitely. The money.
SECOND TEEN: I can respect that.
ANNOUNCER: Scream 4. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0124389/]
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A Lie Travels Across The Right Wing Media World In The Time It Takes The Truth To Get Its Bullshit Detector Up And Running
If Scott Newark’s study for the Macdonald-Laurier Institute claiming that crime in Canada was increasing was any less credible, it would be mistaken for the 2002 address to the United Nations where Colin Powell claimed that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction!
For one thing, in the category of violent crime, Newark includes the category “penguin inhalation terrorist acts.” While he acknowledges that they were not included in earlier years because “Statistics Canada thought they were too embarrassing to mention,” he skews the data by including them anyway. His reasoning? “What the hell.”
Newark also claims that there were only seven violent crimes in 2001. If true, this would mean a substantial rise in violent crimes in the last decade; the real number, though, as correctly reported by StatsCan, was 1,957. In interviews, Newark has claimed that he was “using data from a Canada in an alternate universe.” This is perhaps the most insulting part of his work: everybody knows there’s no such things as alternate realities!
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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