Thank you, Carl T. Bogus, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the 500th episode of The Simpsons aired. Homer had to fight Galactus with nothing but a crushed Duff beer can and his uncanny ability to annoy people. Repeatedly calling Galactus “hockey head” did not help. After the world was destroyed, Bart and Lisa – ah, but we wouldn’t want to spoil it for our readers. Hmmm…for some reason, it was funnier on TV. Maybe it’s because there were no celebrities in the episode when we described it.
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This Article Is Not About Religion
And, the Romans didst crucify the Lord Jesus. And, Sony Spoken Word didst raise the price of recordings of Jesus’ sermons on Apple’s iTunes Store mere hours later. And, a full length video of The Sermon on the Mount wast verily pulled from NetFlix by producer Warner Brothers. Warner Brothers didst end access to the streaming version of Sermon in the hopes that people wouldst flock to buy the higher priced DVD version.
And, the media companies didst look at their bottom line. And, it was good. It was very good.
Three days later, Jesus wast resurrected. And, his first words were not: “I hope thou didst factor my royalties into thy profit projections.”
SOURCE: The Bible – The Continuing Story
[http://www.thenewestnewtestament.com/the_further_teachings_of_jesus/on_profiteering/ko06_137a.html]
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Mayor Exultantly Declares “War On Incompetent Toadying Is Over!”
WANTED: Chief Manager for a major urban transit commission. Qualifications: must be willing to kiss the ass of the Mayor and then communicate what he finds there to others in the organization and the press while all the while arguing that he is completely independent. Experience with – or even knowledge of – urban transit issues would be nice, but is not a necessity. CONTACT: The City of Toronto.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/041678.qrhtml]
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Don’t Get Romney Started On The Shape Of The Petunias In Grosse Pointe Park
Campaigning in Michigan, Republican hopeful Mitt Romney stated that, “The trees are just the right height.”
He might have been okay if he had left it at that – a bit weird, but okay – but he went on to say: “Of course, the backyards could be two inches longer, the newspapers could stand to be three or four pages shorter, the rose gardens in Grand Rapids could be 20 per cent more fragrant, the blues in Ann Arbor could be a deeper shade, skin in Kalamazoo could be at least 23 per cent softer and Lavinia Moore’s new dog from Flint’s Pet Pug ‘Porium could be a hell of a lot cuter. A hell of a lot cuter.”
“He’s not micromanaging existence,” a Romney aide insisted. “It’s just been a really long campaign…”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2012Feb21.html]
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And, Society Has At Least A Fifty Year Head Start
An American anti-obesity campaign hopes to help young people lose pounds by showing them stark images of overweight bodies. “Public shaming worked for heroin,” said campaign chair Devonian Micronese. “It should work for French fries!”
I learned about this the same week that fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld called Adele “a little too fat.” Clearly, the anti-obesity campaigners have a lot of competition.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1072452804]
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It’s Like Comparing Pions And Oranges (Only, Not As Dimpled)
I think there may be a flaw with a recent article on climate change (Science Rides to Aid Of Oil Sands – Feb. 21). The researchers claim that Alberta Tar Sands extraction will be less harmful to the environment than the sun going supernova, instantaneously turning the planet into cinders.
Now, I’m no climate scientist, but I can’t help but feel that there is something wrong with this logic.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20120222.eladvote0222_@/BNStory/lettersYeahYeahYeah2012/]
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On The Other Hand, The Companions In The Bag Of Crazy Aren’t Nearly So Cuddly
You know, the Bag of Crazy is a lot like the TARDIS: it makes strange wheezing sounds, and it’s bigger on the inside than it appears on the outside. It would have to be to be able to contain Rick Santorum, Pastor John Hagee and today’s tenant, Indiana Republican Representative Bob Morris.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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The Safest City In Canada Is Kinshasa
A new study of cyberspace safety has concluded that the riskiest Canadian city for Web surfer security is Dallas, Texas.
“Yeah, about that,” Lynn Hargrove, Director of Consumer Solutions for Web security firm Symantec, said at the announcement of the survey’s results, “we…we may have to rethink our methodology a bit.”
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/120222/geeklynews/01symantecjawjawjaw.htm]
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Detention Diary: And, The Beat Goes On…
WEEK NINE
Some time in the afternoon, somebody started playing really loud music. Just like my dorm at college, actually. So, I responded the way I would have responded if I was still a freshman: I yelled at the top of my lungs for them to stop. After about an hour, the music was turned up and my throat was too raw to continue. How accurate that memory turned out to be!
Listening as closely as I could, I thought I could just barely make out –
“Jesus!” complained the cockroach, “Are you going on about the music again?”
“What do you mean, ‘Again?'” I asked. “It only started an hour ago.”
The cockroach made a disgusted sound that I thought could only be made by trial lawyers and ex-wives. “It started a week and a half ago,” the insect informed me. “You been sleeping in fits and starts ever since.”
“That’s…not…right?” I replied.
“On the count of three,” the cockroach commanded, “I want you to look at the cell wall on your right and tell me that you do not see the battle of Spotsylvania Court House being reenacted by life-sized sock puppets, okay? One -“
I slowly turned to my right, and there it was: Grant and Lee marshalling their Civil War forces in Virginia – in the form of sock puppets melting off the wall! I gasped and quickly turned my head back to the cockroach. “How – ?” I started.
“Hallucination brought on by sleep deprivation,” the cockroach smugly told me. “You need to trust me on this – I know a think or two about subconscious psychic projections.”
“What…what can I do?” I moaned.
The cockroach considered for a moment. “Don’t fight it. Embrace your hallucinations,” Phil finally advised.
Well, he would, wouldn’t he?
SOURCE: Harpo’s
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/03/04/dd-9000009]
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At Least Traditional Banana Republics Grow Their Own Bananas
Mayor Rob Ford has indicated that he wants TTC Chief general manager Gary Webster replaced by Skeezix Ford. The only qualification Skeezix appears to have for the position is that he once had to take a bus home when his car broke down and he couldn’t find a taxi in the middle of Brampton. Oh, and he is the Mayor’s nephew.
“This is ridiculous!” TTC Chair Karen Stintz moaned. Mayor Ford warned her that if she didn’t stop complaining, she could find herself challenged in the next municipal election by Jedediah Ford, whose political experience is that he voted in a couple of elections and he once watched an episode of The West Wing. Oh, and he is the Mayor’s cousin.
“The city really needs to get its act together,” said Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty. Mayor Ford mused that if the province didn’t commit its $8.4 billion to his vision of public transit, the premier could face a challenge from Ollie von Brunswick, whose experience is that he has lived in the province for several years and what’s it to you, anyway? Oh, and he is the Mayor’s brother-in-law.
“I want to say this is ridiculous,” said Toronto Startle city columnist James Royson, “but I don’t want to be replaced by the Mayor’s third cousin in-law twice removed!”
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2012/02/22/727727.html]
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