Thank you, Caoimhe Butterly, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Pronounced: Phyllis?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
No Wonder They Were Never Released – Saw Has Already Captured That Market
INTERROGATOR: Did you –
SUSPECT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!
INTERROGATOR: Please concentrate on the –
SUSPECT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!
INTERROGATOR: This will go much better for you if you –
SUSPECT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!
INTERROGATOR: Look, you’re just making it harder on yourself.
Transcript of one of the 92 tapes made by the CIA of interrogations of alleged terrorists that were subsequently erased.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/1080963128024744194630086482cahs01.html]
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I’ll Take Spineless Politicians For $500, Alex
Heritage Minister James Moore said on a French talk show, “Frankly, I can tell you I don’t like it when I see the CBC canceling Canadian content and we see Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune.”
When asked if the Conservative government would restore funds to the national broadcaster so that it could avoid such a fate, the Minister replied, “Oh, it doesn’t disturb me that much!”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforthem.htm]
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Three Strikes And You’re Out…raged
Everybody in Washington is saying that they are outraged by the bonuses being paid to AIG executives. How sincere are they? Do the math:
* If a politician claims to be outraged, start with 100 points.
* If the politician opposed the Obama bailout package even though the politician had no plan for dealing with the shriveling husk of an American economy, deduct 20 points.
* If the politician opposed the Obama bailout package even though the politician voted for the Bush bailout package, deduct 25 points.
* If the politician accepted a campaign donation from a bank, trust company or insurance agency, deduct 50 points.
* If the politician opposed the attempt to include an executive compensation cap in last month’s bailout legislation, deduct 75 points.
* If the politician knew about the bonuses when the first bailout legislation passed during the Bush administration and didn’t express outrage immediately, deduct 75 points.
* If the politician states that the executives should apologize and either quit or kill themselves, deduct 10 points (for trying way too hard).
* If the politician has ever worked for a bank, trust company or insurance agency, or expects to do so upon leaving politics, deduct all of the points the politician has, plus 50 more for good measure.
If the politician is above 0, they are probably sincere; if they are below 0, they are probably insincere. In either case, don’t trust them.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=622&dir=bb]
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Not That I’m Bitter, #237
I acknowledge the lack of support of the Canada Council for the Arts which last year invested $11.8 million in media arts throughout Canada, not a cent of it to me.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Gary, Gary, Quite Contrary, How Does Your Animal Kingdom Grow?
Yesterday, Minister of State for Science and Technology Gary Goodale answered a question about whether or not he believed in evolution by saying, “I’m not going to answer that. I am a Christian, and I don’t think anybody asking about religion is appropriate.” Today, he answered the same question: “Of course I do.”
And, I believe him. After all, his response to the question has certainly evolved.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088501831813&call_pageid=
968344078492&col=962766972154]
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I Can Wait To Get The T-shirt
Former US President George W. Bush gave a speech to a group of oil executives in Calgary. Since Canada is obligated, by international law, to arrest and try anybody suspected of war crimes, it has now become complicit in Bush’s torture, rendition and other crimes. Canadian officials who did nothing while Bush traveled freely throughout the country may now be arrested and prosecuted by other nations that have adopted the law.
“I still got it,” Bush crowed on the first stop of his “Making the World My Accomplice Tour.”
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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First The Word Was Negative, Then It Was Positive, Now It’s A Furry Marsupial
So bad it’s good: Plan 9 From Outer Space
So bad it’s bad: Paul Blart, Mall Cop
So bad you need psychotropic drugs to make it good: Cobra
So bad you want to scratch your own eyes out to make it stop: Miss March
So bad you immediately decide to end the relationship with the friend who recommended it: Nightwatching
So bad you want the two hours of your life back, and are considering suing the theatre to get it: Knowing
So bad it’s good again: The Brady Bunch Movie
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0076450/]
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Even In Death, Spelling Your Name Right Is The Most Important Thing
Correction: Miranda Richardson did not die because a defective military helicopter fell on her. She had a brain aneurism after a fall when she was skiing. And, strictly speaking, she wasn’t dead when we ran her obituary. She was brain dead, which was good enough for us, but “heart death” purists complained, so we thought it best to clarify that. For that matter, she was not related to Queen Elizabeth; it seems we took the whole “British acting royalty” thing a little too literally.
We would like to make it clear that these errors did not crop up in our obituary of Richardson because we rushed to be the first publication to get an obituary of her out (although we are proud to say that we did scoop everybody except The Daily News). No, the errors occurred because we are just sloppy.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Can You Have An Acid Flashback To Three Seconds Ago?
BANKER: Whoo – that is some good shit!
LAWYER: Tell me about it.
AUTOWORKER: I am so tripping, man!
BANKER: Wait! I…I had a flashback to the 80s – I can’t believe my hair!
LAWYER: I know what you mean. I can’t believe I listened to Bananarama…and liked it!
AUTOWORKER: Yeah! I can’t believe Mike Harris or any of his Conservatives was allowed to get anywhere near power!
LAWYER: Uhh, that’s not a flashback, man.
AUTWORKER: What?
LAWYER: That’s not a flashback. Harris is supporting his former cabinet minister Tim Hudak to replace John Tory as the leader of the Ontario Conservatives.
AUTOWORKER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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