Thank you, Candida Donadio, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we wondered about the opening of the Canadian Museum for Human Rights. Aren’t museums places where we try to preserve old things that no longer exist?
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The Daily Me Staff
You Should See Them Argue About Who Gets To Expense The Cost Of Lunch When Three Or More Of Them Eat out!
INT. CABINET ROOM – DAY
The Prime Minister is leading his listless cabinet members.
PRIME MINISTER: I’ve told the public that cabinet will debate Canada’s combat role in the fight against the Islamic State. We’re going to have a combat role in the fight against the Islamic State. Any debate?
Various cabinet members hem and haw and look at each other, or the ceiling, but nobody says a word.
PRIME MINISTER: Anything at all?
MINISTER OF DEFENCE: Mmm…
PRIME MINISTER: Yes?
MINISTER OF DEFENCE: We should announce that Canadian troops will have a combat role.
PRIME MINISTER: Good…good…
MINISTER OF DEFENCE: Perhaps…a week from now?
PRIME MINISTER: Alright, then.
MINISTER OF HUMAN RESOURCES: Why wait? Let’s announce it tomorrow!
PRIME MINISTER: Excellent! Thank you. Now I can tell the press that the debate about Canada’s combat role in the fight against the Islamic State was “vigourous!”
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Good Headphones Make Good Neighbours
Colorado native Cheryl Pifer threatened an 11 year-old neighbour with a loaded rifle. What was his heinous crime? He was practicing the clarinet in his backyard. “His fingering was terrible,” Pifer commented, “and he never could get the scales exactly right. No jury in the world would convict me!”
The boy, whose name cannot be published because he’s a minor character, shrugged and replied, “Everybody’s a critic!”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2014-09-15-this-american-strife_x.htm]
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Not That He’s Likely To Know What To Do With It
Or, Even What It Is…
A 67 year-old New Jersey man was sentenced to 50 years in prison for stabbing his sleeping wife 84 times. “The sentence was outrageous!” complained victim’s rights advocate Jeremiah Flapsnoodle. “With good behaviour, he’ll get parole in time for his 92nd birthday!”
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2014Sep21.html]
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Queasy Rider
The Harley-Davidson motorbike ridden by Peter Fonda in the 1969 film Easy Rider is expected to fetch at least $1 million at auction. After that, Captain America’s bike will have to undergo years of therapy to help it overcome the shock of going from being a counter-culture icon to being just another capitalist commodity.
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227518]
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Internet Company Netflix Something Nasty Into The CRTC’s Eye
Netflix Inc. and Time Warner Inc. are among at least four companies to receive demands for information from the U.S. Justice Department… The Blais-Netflix exchange made for compelling television, but it was not the first time that the CRTC found itself facing an Internet company reluctant to disclose confidential information.
“It means that the competitive concerns that have been raised are viewed as credible and worthy of serious consideration,” [Public Knowledge President Gene] Kimmelman said. Netflix emphasized that it appeared voluntarily before the CRTC and that the “orders are not applicable to Netflix under Canadian broadcasting law.”
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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NARRG Candidate May Get The “Confused Pirates Supporters” Vote
1 of a kind (1 can only hope) Robert Ransdell, a coordinator for a white supremacist organization called the National Alliance Reform and Restoration Group (NARRG), is campaigning as a write-in candidate for United States Senate in Kentucky under the slogan “With Jews We Lose!” What would be the best slogan for his opponents?
a) “With Whites, Expect Spite!”
b) “With Whites, You Get Bigot-driven Smites!”
c) “Seriously, Bob? I Mean, What The F – Seriously?!”
i) “Bob can’t come to the phone right now – he’s busy getting his hate waxed. If you leave your name, number and a brief message, he’ll be sure to track you down and terrorize your family.”
ii) “I don’t hate minorities. I just love my own people enough to want everybody who is not like us to die a horrible death!”
iii) “As serious as a Jewish banker giving money to a Jewish company to make films with coded messages to the international Zionist cabal, pal. As serious as a Jewish company giving – I mean, as serious as the coded Jewish banker giv – no, that’s not it, either. Just trust me on this one – it’s serious!”
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Pay No Attention To The Investment Banker Behind The Curtain
When Federal Reserve lackey Mitchener Lackie was asked if he thought that the organization that was supposed to give oversight to financial institutions had actually been captured by them, he looked around nervously, seemingly at a loss for an answer.
“Absolutely not!” a voice from the shadows quietly hissed.
“Absolutely not!” Lackie responded. “Us? Captured by industry? Pfft!”
“Fair and impartial,” the voice in the shadows quietly added.
“We are fair and impartial in our investigations of major financial institutions!” Lackie added.
“Brush them off,” the voice in the shadows quietly commanded.
“Thank you all for coming,” Lackie concluded. “I won’t be taking any more questions at this time.”
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/adistinctlackieofrespect.shtml]
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What About Grey Money? You Know: The Kind That Works To Destroy Wild Areas To Get To The Oil Underneath Them, But Gives Thousands Of Dollars To Cancer Research?
When asked why he supports cuts to social programmes, but not the Smarter Sentencing Act, which would save the government at least $4 billion by reducing jail sentences for non-violent offenders, Republican Senator Chuck Grassley offered a unique response: it’s dirty money.
“There’s clean money,” Grassley explained. “That’s the kind of money that goes to church on Sundays, coaches little league and pays for keeping dangerous drug…users off the streets. Then, there’s dirty money. Dirty money…looks for porn on the Internet and drinks away the children’s lunch money and doesn’t come home until late in the evening and we’re pretty sure those marks on its wife’s face didn’t happen because she fell down the stairs. That money, dirty money, pays for food stamps and unemployment insurance and dependency on the state.”
And, the money that comes from PACs to fund political election campaigns? “Oh, that’s the cleanest money there is,” Grassley said with an angelic smile. “That’s pillar of the community, going to heaven when it dies money, that is.”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1204749260268700.xml]
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