Thank you, Butt83Slutt, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Sigh. It’s raining out. Not the entertaining kind of rain with thunder and lightning, either – the relentless grey of unremitting driving drabness. On days like today, you ever feel like nothing is worth anything, like everything you do will be completely changed by the generations that come after you, and then completely forgotten, and that there’s nothing, really, keeping you from giving in to that little voice in your head that tells you to go out and get an AK47 and shoot up all the bastards that have made your life such a misery since you clawed your way out of the womb? Uhh…no…we never have, either…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
If You Had His Bowel Problems, You Would, Too
According to a Reuters article in your newspaper, Osama bin Laden marked the milestone of Israel’s 60th birthday with a threat against the nation. This is news? bin Laden marks his children’s birthdays with threats. Hell, bin Laden marks going to the bathroom with a threat.
Get a grip, people.
SOURCE: National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-07b657cc48ec]
The Sharp Edge Of The Bait And Switch Blade
I went to see Indiana Jones. Imagine my surprise when I found I was watching Close Encounters instead!
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0678350/]
He’s A Poet But He Don’t Show It
The Good, The Bard And The Ugly
Tell me, oh tell me, is there anyone who will chronicle
The life of the poet William Topaz McGonagall
In verse?
Consider his willingness to write about the strangest of times,
Not to mention his unlikely (sometimes, ridiculous) rhymes –
Who can claim to be worse?
Was there ever a greater writer of doggerel
Than the much maligned William Topaz McGonagall?
I imagine not
Which is why it staggers the imagination
Thirty-five of his poems for $11,728 at auction
Were recently bought
In this age when we worship all things Bionacle
Who claims to have even heard of William Topaz McGonagall,
Much less read him?
Though his writing by most critics was thought to be dire
It’s a level of artistry to which all online poets can aspire –
Assuring history won’t forget him!
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
Do They Expect You To Eat The Bag?
“RESPECT THE ENVIRONMENT
For nutritional information please visit”
– notice on the back of a Tim Horton’s paper doughnut bag
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382802453747486cahs01.html]
We Thought You’d Never Ask (Or, Was It Hoped? We Often Have Trouble With Verbs…)
?) Why is Hillary Clinton still in the race for the Democratic Presidential nomination
when it is mathematically virtually impossible for her to win?
a) for the free lollipop every candidate who makes it to the convention gets
b) because weakening Barack Obama and allowing John McCain to slip into the White House will be good for women (as long as they never need an abortion, have no problem having their children die in a lost war and – oh, my goodness, why is she still in the race?)
c) she’s got her rose coloured virtual reality goggles on – you tell her it’s time to remove them!
d) even though Obama has won a majority of states and delegates, Clinton claims she is ahead in the popular vote
? + 1) How does she do that?
a) simple. Take the number of votes (which Obama also won), subtracted by the number of votes cast in caucuses, add in the votes of Michigan and Florida (even though Clinton was the only candidate who ran there after the DNC cut them off for violating campaign rules), add the number of votes from Puerto Rico (whose residents are not allowed to vote in the actual election), then HIT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD WITH A REALLY BIG STICK BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN TRULY MAKE SENSE OF IT
b) she just opens her mouth and the words come out
c) those are really powerful rose coloured virtual reality goggles
SOURCE Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more
One Of The Many Dangers Of The Culture Of Consumption
You know what happens at the end of the new Sex and the City movie? CARRIE BRADSHAW DIES! That’s right. Just as she’s commenting in that annoying voice over that she has found happiness again at a fashion show, a mannequin trips and one of her shoes goes flying and the six inch spike PIERCES CARRIE’S BRAIN. It takes over 35 minutes, but, eventually, she dies. You heard it here first: CARRIE WAS KILLED BY A MANOLO BLAHNIK RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES!
SOURCE: Ha Ha Sucker
[http://www.imagearts.edgerton.ca/~AaronParker/haha/home.htm]
No, Let’s Keep The Paranoid Non-sequiturs On The Right Where They Belong
Did you see Keith Olbermann commenting on Hillary Clinton’s reference to Robert Kennedy’s assassination last night? If he strained any more to be apoplectic, I thought for sure he was going to hurt himself. Swear to god, I thought he was going to shoot off into orbit. Welcome aboard, Keith. The only problem I had with your little rant was that you kept trying to follow a rational argument. It’s hard to keep the self-righteous blood flowing when you do that, and, in any case, if your viewers can always tell what you’re trying to say, they may actually have the nerve to argue with you. In future, throw in the occasional paranoid non-sequitur – you’ll find that it’s much easier to maintain the outrage and you’ll be more popular if your viewers can’t always tell what you’re going on about.
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2233,96564,00.html]
Karma Comedian
Well known theologian Sharon Stone, having claimed that the Sichuan earthquake was the universe getting karmic revenge on the repressive Chinese government, has been asked to mediate the ongoing dispute between Anglicans over the ordination of gay priests.
This isn’t as impressive as it might seem considering that it was the Catholic Church that asked her.
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=443&but=allis1]
Because Somebody Has To Defend Powdered Wigs
Rumpole and the Bald Magistrates
John Mortimer
March of the Penguin Books
178 pages
The admittedly aging Horace Rumpole has a heart attack when he arrives in court and finds the judges have abandoned their horsehair wigs and exchanged their elaborate robes for something simpler. Something…funkier. He spends the rest of the series of interlocking novellas hallucinating about strange aliens presiding over the Penge Bungalow murders trial.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.55/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]