Thank you, Bryndi Olafsdottir, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. !- Hey, Edwina! How was your holi –> Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. — Edwina Walker no longer works at this company. Please direct all your inquiries to the trash bin on your desktop. ->
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The Daily Me Staff
Imagine What The Campus Would Look Like If He Got His Advice From G. I. Joe
According to Harvard University President Lawrence Summers, men are better at math than women. He knows this is true because his Barbie doll told him.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
Seemed Pretty Clear To Me, But, Then, I’m Not A Religious Man
The Roman Catholic Bishop of Calgary claims he was being misunderstood when he wrote that the state must use its “coercive power” to curtail homosexuality, which he referred to as “evil” and likened to adultery, prostitution and pornography. What Bishop Fred Henry actually meant was: “Fags will burn in Hell, but I’d like to get the fire started early.”
I know, I know, I’ll be burning in Hell myself for this one. But, as the Bishop himself said, “I’m just trying to speak the truth as I see it.”
SOURCE: Unicycle
Even With An Infinite Number Of Universes, I Don’t Buy It
The Iraq Survey Group returned to the United States without finding any weapons, let alone weapons of mass destruction. Democrats in Congress immediately started impeachment proceedings against President George W. Bush, citing assurances from every member of his Cabinet that the weapons were there, assurances that lead the US into a war that has already cost $100 billion and hundreds of American lives. “This is a bipartisan issue,” the House Majority Leader, who voted for the impeachment process, stated. “The people have to believe that their leaders are honest with them, especially when American lives are at stake.”
Meanwhile, millions of average Americans took to the streets to protest their government’s deceit. “The President had no mandate to do this,” Texan Frank Abernathy said. “I mean, shit, I’ve been a Republican all my life, but this is just going too far!” Police kept a respectful distance from the protestors, and everybody got home safely.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
I’m Not Especially Fond Of Being Tucked Away For The Future, Either
To the editor of the National Post:
A recent headline in your newspaper stated “IRA blamed for massive bank heist.” As a matter of fact, no authority has accused me of anything. If they had, however, I think I could prove to their satisfaction that I was, in fact, an ocean away when the bank in Belfast was robbed. I expect a retraction forthwith.
Sincerely,
Ira Nayman
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
I Like The Best Boy’s Commentary Track
DVD releases are giving viewers a good idea of what making a movie is all about. Perhaps too good. The 200 DVD release of the Star Blap Tetrahedology documents every detail of the making of the eight Star Blap movies, down to the specs for the trailers of the animals of the stars to the genealogy of the wardrobe and makeup people. It should come as no surprise that the DVD is full of nitpicky, obsessive details that quickly become boring, making it a perfect mirror image of the moviemaking process itself.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
We know you love your girl. But she can be so foolish, sometimes. Or, maybe she doesn’t listen to you, or doesn’t do everything you tell her, or, maybe doesn’t do it the way you tell her to. Or, maybe she just mouths off when she shouldn’t. Let’s face it: sometimes, the only way to keep her in line is to hit her. Not out of anger. Out of love.
Still, you may find yourself hauled into court for doing what any reasonable man in your position would do. Want to avoid the hassle? Join the Army! Not only will the Army ship you out to a foreign country before a trial date can be set, but we’ll send a letter to the bitch explaining why it would be in the interests of national security that she not pursue a court case at this time.
Intimidating? You bet! But don’t just take our word for it. Ask Specialist Charles Graner, Jr.! He was whisked away on a tour of duty in Iraq, and who knows when he’ll be back to take the heat for his violent, abusive behaviour. And who knows? The longer he’s away, the more chance his wife has to change her mind. Sweet? Damn straight! In a spot of trouble and want a piece of that action?
Join up today!
Today’s United States Army
Beat All That You Can Beat
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
One of the things that Susan Shepard, the new ethics commissioner of Nortel Networks Corp. will be responsible for is determining whether the company’s management makes decisions on the basis of how it will be rewarded with bonuses rather than the interests of shareholders. For this, Shepard will receive a base salary of $375,000 a year and, if the company is successful, a bonus of an additional 60% of her salary. Who thought ethics could be so rewarding?
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
Democracy Marches Up To Your House And Kicks You In The Gut
If the United States held elections like they do in Iraq:
* women voters in eight states, including Texas, Alabama and New Mexico, wouldn’t be allowed to go to the polls because the men who ruled their lives using traditional religious values wouldn’t let them.
* all voters in seven other states with almost half the country’s population, including Los Angeles, Illinois and New York wouldn’t be able to vote because United Nations observers couldn’t guarantee the safety of election workers.
* voters throughout the country would not be allowed to drive their cars for three days around the election so that there could be no car-bombing incidents.
* 95% of Americans would do anything they could to vote no matter what obstacles were placed in their path.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Is This Question A…A Zen Thing?
A study has shown that people who sleep longer tend to weigh less. Stop the presses! Could it be because they have less time to eat?
SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages