Thank you, Bonny Fidey, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we called in sick with turkey coma. It’s a real medical condition – look it up! When our boss pointed out that Christmas was three weeks ago, we argued that it was delayed turkey coma, the most insidious form of holiday illness. This stopped her just long enough for us to hang up. There’s one New Year’s resolution kept!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Beware The “And Stuff”
9pm. PBS. Ideas Inaction. This series, co-produced by The George W. Bush Institute – the “action- oriented think tank” that is part of Bush’s Presidential Center – will take an in-depth look at how political policies develop out of ideas about the nature of man and the world. Tonight: My Pet Goat. “It’s not just a children’s book,” former President Bush explains. “See, it has a lot to tell us about our relationship with the natural world and personal responsibility and stuff.”
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Next Up: “Auld Lang Syne” Is Rewritten As A Defense Of Climate Change Denial
Twas the day before Christmas,
When all through the paper
Columnists played with Clement Clarke Moore’s classic poem,
With wit they hoped was rapier.
I decided not to be one of them.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/302.html]
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How Do You Know The Dead Horse Doesn’t Enjoy The Flogging?
YOU MAY BE A MISTRESS OF TIGER WOODS AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT! To see if you are a mistress of the famed golfer, see if any of the items on the following list applies to you:
1. You’ve been getting phone messages telling you to deny you’ve gotten any other phone messages.
2. When Tiger’s corporate sponsors started to reconsider their relationship with him, your first thought was, “I guess I won’t be getting that Persian rug for Christmas!”
3. You’ve been named by Joe Halderman’s lawyer as a reason he should not be prosecuted for blackmailing David Letterman.
4. You suddenly stopped thinking double entendres on golf terms were funny.
5. When Tiger announced he was taking a year off golf, your first thought was, “Oh, great! There go my afternoons!”
6. You don’t think it’s strange that a lawyer would try to drag Tiger Woods into his defence of Joe Halderman against charges that he blackmailed David Letterman.
7. You have been sleeping with Tiger Woods, but you’re waiting for your name to appear in the tabloids for confirmation of the fact.
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2009/December/Tiger_Burning_Light.asp]
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Next Major Legislation: Military Bases On Mars
Funny how things change. Campaigner Barack Obama said he opposed a personal mandate, saying it was wrong to force people who cannot afford health insurance to buy it. Lo and behold, there it is in the Senate bill. President Obama opposed the sale of health insurance across state lines, saying that doing so would create a race to the bottom in quality and accountability. And, what have we here? I do believe it is a provision allowing just such a scheme. President Obama repeatedly said that if health care reform didn’t contain costs, it would bankrupt the country; of course, the Senate bill doesn’t.
I don’t think the President has no spine. I think he’s post-partisan: he’s willing to accept bad ideas no matter who proposes them.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Another One?
“Critical year ahead in Afghan conflict”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1372537618]
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When Computer Gaming Merges With Accounting Spreadsheets
Raven’s Ravenous Rivening. This spell adds +3 to Oddmentalism, unless you are carrying an Orb of Occipitization, in which case you have to use the spell of Fire Water to keep from succumbing to Booger Eye when confronting a Purple with tufts of Lavender Dragon. This spell can also raise the Alcohol Level of your party when used in conjunction with summoning Butch the Doom Sprite to Flay Flagons. Of course, Flaying Flagons only works in the Outer Midlands of the Inner Good Badlands, so the party may have to be put on hold while you trek halfway across the map. You can avoid this by calling on your Pumpkin Familiar to Snort at the Devil, but this could lead to a -27 communicativeness penalty if you don’t cast a Love Brigade spell over the kitchen, pantry and dirtier parts of the livingroom. Whether you do this depends, of course, on how badly you want your raiding party.
Of course, only one player out of 127 actually uses this build, and most of them end up dying long before they get to Raven’s Ravenous Rivening. We only outline this path to leveling up your character because…well…we’re not sure. Completeness, maybe.
SOURCE: Gamer Bois Mag
[http://boiswillbe.com#ipo_article=146]
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Fear Trumps Reason
A man from Nigeria, claiming to be acting on orders from Al Qaeda, unsuccessfully attempted to blow up a plane as it was landing in Detroit. The United States immediately invaded Nigeria.
Ivana Trump, acting on orders from her fevered imagination, disrupted a flight and had to be escorted off a plane in Florida. The United States immediately invaded New York’s Trump Towers.
“We should not allow fear and panic to lead us to overreact to such incidents,” President Obama stated. “But, we must use every means necessary to make the homeland safe!”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2009-12-26-mixed-massages_x.htm]
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You Knew The Government Had To Pay Down The Deficit Somehow…
When you were a kid, did you drool over the ads in the backs of comics for x-ray specs? Were you disappointed that you couldn’t actually use them to see the bodies of the women around you under their clothes? Well, now, thanks to modern science, you can live that childhood dream!
The Department of Homeland Security has installed new x-ray machines in airports AND THEY SHOW EVERYTHING! From the tiniest mole to the strayest pubic hair, these babies were made to reveal what you didn’t want to be made public AND AIRPORT PORN DOT COM HAS GOT THE SCREEN CAPTURES TO PROVE IT!
Men! Women! Everything in between! All naked in the highest definition! Privacy’s loss is your pleasure’s gain! Sign up at Airport Porn dot com now!
Airport Porn dot Com: You get off as they get on.
SOURCE: Airport Porn
[http://www.airportporn.com]
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