Thank you, Bill Morneau “Or Less,” for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were dismayed to hear that Miss Iceland, Arna Yr Jonsdottir, felt compelled to withdraw from the Miss Grand International beauty pageant because she was advised that if she wanted to win, she would have to lose weight. Lose weight? Serious? She could stand to gain 20 or 30 pounds, you ask us! #thinshaming? No way! #rubensrocks!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Shkreli Is Other People!
When the cost of her arthritis medication skyrocketed 236 per cent, 87 year-old Margarethe Von Scribbler took out a mortgage on her cat Leon Squiggles. “I was in so much pain, I didn’t know what else to do?” Von Scribbler explained. “If I can’t keep up the payments and the bank forecloses, I’m sure Leon Squiggles will be happy in its vault!”
How does she feel about the promise by Martin Shkreli, who was responsible for raising the cost of her medication, to release Wu-Tang Clan’s Once Upon A Time In Shaolin for free to the public if Donald Trump is elected president? “Oh, you know, if it helps make America great again,” Von Scribbler sighed, “I suppose Squiggles imminent incarceration in a safe deposit box will be worth it!”
SOURCE: The Medical-Industrial Complex
[http://www.medical-industrial-complex.org/journals/micx/price_to_music_ratio/secure/2_pds.htm]
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Not Sure Who Should Be Wearing The Diapers In This Scenario
Three Kansas men have been arrested in connection with an alleged plot to blow up a building housing 120 Somali refugees. The attack, which was intended to “take back America from the black babies who threaten it” was scheduled to take place the day after the presidential election.
Surprisingly, some far right leaders are condemning the plot. “Bombs? Really?” said Ivor Smalluns, chief spokesasshat for the so far right they’re practically left again group National Stormy Weather Front. “We didn’t fight for gun rights so that we could take America back from the black babies who threaten it using…explosives! [EXPLETIVE DELETED], if guns were good enough for the Foundling Fathers to take America back from the Indian babies who threatened it, they should be good enough for us!”
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/10/31/Artykul/200235,Kansas-hats]
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Maybe They Want To Start Their Own Skull And (Cross)Bones Chapter
What’s up with police and their patrol cars? For some reason, they’re changing from friendly, approachable white to more ominous black and dark grey with a large skull and crossbones on the hood.
“Not really sure what the skull and crossbones is supposed to convey to the people of the city,” said Toronto City Councilor Ivan Prestobal. “That the police are a law unto themselves? That they have roamed the seven suburbs and have buried treasure in highly inaccessible places for romantic adventurers to seek out? Happy Halloween? The piratization of the police force is something all citizens should be concerned about.”
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=298022]
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Who’s Rigging Whom?
Trump’s repetitive accusations of a “rigged” election and a slanted electoral system are grounded in the belief that fraudulent behaviour would only help his opponent. Roughly 45,000 newly registered voters in Indiana – almost all of whom are black – may not be allowed to vote next month after state police targeted the state’s largest voter registration drive, forcing it to shut down its operation. The Des Moines Register reported that Rote is a registered Republican who cast two ballots in the general election: one at an early voting ballot at the Palk County Election Office and another at a county satellite voting location, according to police records.
“If you don’t have a ballot, they give you another one and they void your one at home,” [Trump] told the crowd at an afternoon rally. “And then, of course, the other side would send that one in, too, but, you know, we don’t do that stuff. We don’t do that stuff.”
“I wasn’t planning on doing it twice – it was spur-of-the-moment,” Rote told the radio station. “The polls are rigged.”
“We’ve seen nothing but partisan activity from the secretary of state, and even from the police,” Buck said. “They saw that there was a very successful voter registration drive happening, and this was an attempt to shut it down.”
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Flying By The CETA Their Pants
Conservative government negotiates a trade deal with Europe
Conservative government is replaced by a Liberal government in a general election
Liberal government continues to negotiate trade deal
Liberal government announces that the trade deal negotiations have been successfully completed
Walloon referendum threatens to scuttle trade deal
Concessions to trade deal bring Wallonia back on board
YOU ARE HERE: Liberal Prime Minister triumphantly signs trade deal
Luxembourg balks at ratifying Canadian/European trade agreement
Concessions to trade deal bring Luxembourg back on board
Britain leaves European Union, making some wonder about the value of a Canadian/European trade deal
Wallonia leaves European Union, which has no effect on trade deal
Making good on threat, Russia starts a shooting war with the United States over Syria
A Canadian/European trade deal doesn’t seem all that important any more…
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=572&dir=bb]
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November Fools!
NOV 1 @trump4god: FBI arrests #benthillary for treason! #jalehernow
NOV 3 @trump4god: judge says no need for trial – sentences obviously guilty #benthillary to life in prison!!!!! #jalehernow
NOV 6 @trump4god: #benthillary looks good in prison orange. it brings out the ugly in her eyes!!!!!!!! #jalehernow
NOV 9 @trump4god: wait – what? how did #benthillary win? convicted felons not allowed 2 b president!!!!!!!!!!!! #electoinrigged #jalehernow
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/proper-spelling-is-elitist/]
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A Cold Front Moving In From Alberta Will Meet Hot Air Over Ottawa – Expect Stormy Weather
“Canada not ready for climate change, report warns”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1874793010]
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Critics Point Out Pardon Implies A Crime Was Committed
Would Settle For Cake And Sparklers
The British government has announced that it plans on posthumously pardoning tens of thousands of men convicted during the 1950s and 1960s of being fabulous. Incredible as it may now seem, laws against fabulousness remained in effect until 1967, and the police didn’t get the memo until at least the mid-1980s.
How will people who are part of the pardoning who are still alive respond? “Oh, honey, we’re going to throw a party!” said 87 year-old Miss She-Rah. “And, it will be fabulous!”
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2016/oct/29/the-fab-fifteen-thousand]
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