Thank you, Bettina Csiderm, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, some people complained that the Oscars were the dumbest, most boring thing they had ever seen on TV. Obviously, they had never watched Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels, The Real Housewives of New Jersey or just about anything that passes for a situation comedy these days, or they would have known better.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
I Would Write A “How To Write A Bad Pun” Column, But I Don’t Want To Be Lynched
How To Write a “How To Write…” Column:
1. CHOOSE YOUR TOPIC CAREFULLY. Find out what the top Google searches are. If the number one “how to” search is “How to get yak lint out of my sofa,” write about that. You don’t have to actually know anything about the subject; that’s what Google searches are for.
2. WRITE QUICKLY. If you can get it out within five minutes of the search, so much the better. The Internet is a fickle beastie, and if ye dinna capture the moment, laddie, people will be on ta “How ta get goat yak outta ma ottoman” before ya even write the damn article! And, then, you will be sad. And, we’ll be out money. Which will make us sad.
3. DON’T WORRY IF THE FACTS AREN’T EXACTLY WRITE…I MEAN, WRIGHT…I MEAN, CORRECT. The people who read your article know nothing about the subject, so they wouldn’t know yak lint from a hole in their pocket. And, if a jackhammer actually destroys their sofa…well, you get the advice you pay for, right?
4. FILL THE COLUMN WITH GRATUITOUS ADVICE. Sometimes, you get a subject that just isn’t interesting enough for five or six points, so add points on unrelated topics. If, for instance, you have exhausted the potential of yak lint (hard to believe, but it can happen), offer advice on how to choose a better couch. Or, how to wash a monkey. Or, how to fly a Honda into your neighbour’s backyard pool. Once the creative juices start flowing, you would be amazed what you can come up with; the important thing is to not let your creativity be limited by, you know, the subject you’re supposed to be writing about.
5. SIT BACK AND WATCH US GET RICH OFF OF ADVERTISING FROM YOUR WORK. Pretty self-explanatory, that. But, hey, you get to experience the joy of literary creation, and who can put a price on that?
SOURCE: eHow Now Brown
[http://www.ehownowbrown.cow/how_2087865_write-how-to-column.html]
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Canadian Prime Minister Not On Crack
(Power Is A Far More Potent Drug)
INT. BAR – NIGHT
CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER is at a table talking to AMERICAN SECRETARY OF STATE HILLARY CLINTON.
HARPER: So, you gonna go after Khadaffi? Hunh? Hunh? Are you? Are you?
CLINTON: We haven’t decided yet what the best course of action would in regard to Libya –
HARPER: Cause we want in on that military action.
CLINTON: We haven’t decided on military action.
HARPER: Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. But, it’s only a matter of time, right? Only a matter of time. Then, put us in, okay? We’re ready. We’re tough! WE CAN DO THIS THING!
CLINTON: Stephen…
HARPER: We want in! We want in! WE! WANT! IN! Fight! Fight! Fight! We can do it! We’re not scared! We can totally do it!
CLINTON: Are you on crack?
HARPER: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. This is pure adrenaline. So, whaddya say? Can we invade Libya with you guys?
CLINTON: What if we want Canadian troops to take on a peacekeeping role in a transi –
HARPER: AAAAAAAGH! YOU’RE KILLING ME, HERE!
CLINTON: (mutters) I get this every time I come to Ottawa!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Probably Far More Than There Are Kansans In Asia
Although Enbridge claimed its Northern Gateway pipeline would be used to ship oil to Asia, regulatory documents show that a third to a half of the oil flowing through it would end up in the United States.
“This is not a contradiction,” Enbridge spokesweasel Gina Jordan commented. “There are a lot of Asians in…Kansas.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=38eeccd2-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a3eb8cc6a178]
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Has He Seen Black Swan?
If He Had, Huckabee Might Have Chosen His Fight More Carefully…
EXCEPT WITHOUT THE MOLE…OR THE WHACKING…
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/118^.htm]
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It’s A Fine Line Between Crazy And…And…And Something Else
It’s an idea so crazy that it has to be brilliant: Celtic Fury. What could be more counterintuitive than having Celtic artists covering hard rock and metal songs? Haven’t you ever wanted to hear Enya do a cover of Metallica’s “Enter Sandman?” Or, the Rankins rocking out to the soothing sounds of “War Pigs” by Black Sabbath? Or…Enya, again, performing a cover of…wait for it…”Big Bottom” by Spinal Tap? Crazy, right? Well, guess what?
I’ve heard the album, and it sucks.
Sometimes, an idea is so crazy that it’s just nuts.
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=3/05/2011#1]
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You Won’t See Oil Companies Returning Any Of The Money THEY Made
In light of events in Libya, musician Nelly Furtado has returned a $1 million fee she earned from performing there. In response, former Barenaked Lady Steven Page wondered, “So, it was okay to accept money from Gadhafi in 2007?”
It must have been, Steven. After all, everybody was doing it.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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You Know, Al Capone Was Brought To Justice For Tax Evasion
I’m Just Saying…
The term “Government of Canada” has been replaced in federal communications with the term “Harper Government.” Trust our Prime Minister to try to develop a Cult of Lack of Personality!
In other news, the Commissioner of Elections has laid charges against four Conservative party officials for their part in the “in-and-out” election financing scheme that may have allowed the party to spend as much as $1 million more than their limit during the 2006 campaign.
At first, Prime Minister said it was a minor disagreement over the finance law. However, the PMO has more recently suggested that the courts go easy on the four, as the “in-and-out” scheme was the only action they had seen in years.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2011/03/03/wehaveanelectionscommissionerwhoknew110303]
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