Thank you, Beelzebub Tweezer, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, a very friendly security guard at our local MultiMaxiMegamart threatened to pepper spray us if we didn’t show him the receipt for our purchase of a personal hygiene item and a package of breath mints. We should be forgiven if we showed any hesitance; after all, it was a very personal hygiene item. (The breath mints were…for a friend…) So, this is what it has come to: retailers are trading cashiers for cops. And the excrement icing on the crap cupcake is that customers get to feel like criminals!
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Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Your Problem, Mister Lauro, Is That The Public HAS Been Paying Attention
DONALD TRUMP LAWYER JOHN LAURO: President Trump didn’t ask Vice President Pence to overturn the results of the 2020 election. He just asked him to put a pause on the counting of the electoral college votes.
JOURNALIST HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN: To give former President Trump time to find a way to overturn the election results.
LAURO: To give President Trump time to investigate allegations of Democrat election fraud and corruption.
MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN: Which he would have used as a pretext to overturn the results of the election.
LAURO: Which he would have used as a reason to seat the duly elected President.
MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN: Which would have been Joe Biden. After sixty losses for Trump in court, it’s clear that the Democrats didn’t engage in election fraud and corruption.
LAURO: That just proves that the courts are corrupt.
MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN: Ah. (pause) Wasn’t the point of getting Mike Pence to stop the electoral college count to argue the case up to the Supreme Court? Given that it is stacked with right-wing lunatics, didn’t Republicans count on them to hand the presidency to former President Trump?
LAURO: If the august members of the Supreme Court ruled that Donald Trump was the duly elected President of the United States, that would just prove that the courts are just.
MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN: Is there a scenario in which a pause of the counting of the electoral college votes doesn’t end in Donald Trump being handed the presidency again?
LAURO: I suppose it’s possible that aliens could invade the planet and destroy humanity as we know it before the issue is settled.
MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN: If that’s the case, how can you deny that asking Vice President Pence to delay certifying the electoral college votes wasn’t about overturning the election results?
LAURO: Because it was just about buying time for an investigation into fraud and corruption – have you not been paying attention?
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/zootalauro.shtml]
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The Poll Respondents? The Usual Suspects…
In a recent poll, 69 per cent of Americans said they believed in angels while only 56 per cent claimed to believe in Satan or the devil.
“Fifty-six per cent?” commented Satan. “Really? That much? Looks like my greatest trick needs some work!”
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=577&but=allis1]
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We Absolutely Believe In The Rights Of Workers…As Long As They Never Exercise Them
“More than anything, this experience is a case study of the urgent need to rethink Canada’s labour laws, ensuring that the needs of the broader economy and Canada’s international reputation are considered in cases of strikes and lockouts in critical areas.”
– Dan Kelly, Canadian Federation of Independent Business President
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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The Coma Was Likely Food-related And May Be Ongoing
The wanted man known in Scotland as Nicholas Rossi insists that he is an Irish orphan known as Arthur Knight who has never set foot in the United States, rarely leaves his house, really, even though the US wants him extradited on a rape charge in Utah under the name of Nicholas Alahverdian. Rossi claimed that he was being framed by American authorities who tattooed him and took his fingerprints while he was in a coma in order to connect him to Alahverdian.
“He sounds like the kind of man the government could use more of,” Republican Presidential front-runner Donald Trump wrote on Truth Antisocial. “I’m looking for a Vice President to run with me in 2024 – one who isn’t too honest. He should have his people call my people. What a Dream Ticket that would be!”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1501249807363792.xml]
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Putting Another Crimp On The Barbie
A funeral home in El Salvador offers pink coffins with Barbie linings. For fans of the best-selling doll, now a wildly popular movie, these coffins are to die for.
However, if people want the real Barbie experience, they should have their heads pulled off by their younger brothers and be tossed in a landfill.
SOURCE: Playtoy Magazine
[http://www.playtoy.com/worldofplaytoy/hmh/news/every-cloud-has-a-pink-lining001.html]
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Barbarian At The Gaetz
If you look up the word “traitor” in the dictionary, you…won’t find a picture of Republican Representative Matt Gaetz because that’s not how dictionaries work. In a well-run universe, though, not only would you find his image, but it would prominently feature bars and a yellow jumpsuit.
“[O]nly through force do we make any change in a corrupt town like Washington,” Gaetz told a crowd of people who were eating pickles on a stick and calculating how much the pig in the pen behind the stands weighed. It must have been surreal, enjoying a state fair and talk of an insurrection; but, then, at every moment in the past seven years, I’ve expected Rod Serling to walk onto the scene and monologue about fate or hubris or some other profound shit like that.
I’m still waiting. Rod, have you forsaken us?
You have to know that, if there is another failed right-wing insurrection in the United States, Gaetz will argue that he didn’t mean that people should take his words literally and actually, you know, use force against the government or anything stupid like that. Like all Republicans these days, he has the cowardice of his convictions.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Policy Takes Albertans’ Breath Away
Alberta Premier Danielle Smith slammed the federal government’s net-zero electricity guidelines yesterday.
“If Canadians want clean air to breath,” she said, “they can always buy oxygen tanks!”
When asked if her government would subsidize oxygen tanks for those who can’t afford them, the Premier responded: “So they can sell their air to each other to buy drugs? Why on earth would I do that?”
SOURCE: Festerin’ Report
[http://www.ax2grindnet.com/festerinreport/web/feature222222222222.html]
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