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Oh – BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
The Halton Catholic School Board has voted down a proposal to protect children from being bullied on the basis of their sexual orientation or gender identity, citing the possibility that the new policy could undermine religious teaching in its institutions.
When we tried to reach God for a comment, we received the following message: “You have reached the office of God, the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-merciful deity. At the sound of the tone, please leave a prayer, and I will get back to you in due time if you are worthy. Oh, and, if your call has anything to do with gay or transgendered people, I created them, didn’t I? Are you claiming that I made a mistake when I did that? Me, the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-merciful deity? Made a mistake? You better think about my message a little harder, there, fellas, because some day you’re gonna face me, and you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!”
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2016/05/27/509727.html]
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For $10,000, You Get A Shell Casing From The Recreation With A Signed Letter Of Inauthenticity
An American businessman in Thailand is trying to raise $1.5 billion to buy a small village that will be razed and rebuilt to recreate the Dallas of the early 1960s. His ultimate goal is to reenact the Kennedy assassination.
“I don’t know if the conspiracy theories are correct,” Paul Salo said. “But, this should prove or disprove them once and for all.”
To ensure the experiment’s authenticity, Salo plans to start his recreation in 1945, at the end of the Second World War; he will hire several thousand actors to live like known Dallas residents for almost two decades. At the appropriately time, Kennedy will be played by a convict on Death Row, while the part of Lee Harvey Oswald will be taken on by a Thai executioner.
“I like Hayden Panattiere for the part of Jackie Kennedy,” Salo said. “I think she could really grow into the role.”
For five million dollars, one lucky donor will receive the grassy knoll (after the experiment has been completed, but, the good news is that shipping and handling will be free). For one million dollars, the donor will receive an authentic Lincoln limousine just like the one the Kennedys drove in on that fateful day. But, you don’t have to be rich to contribute to the cause. For a mere $50, an image of you will be Photoshopped into one of the windows of the Texas School Book Depository.
To date, the project’s Indiegogo campaign had raised $187.
SOURCE: WWW: World Weird Watch
[http://www.worldweirdwatch.com/archive/www264277.html]
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Better To Discuss Policy Goals In Never. Does Never Work For You?
2 dumb to live) “There should be some sort of punishment,” Donald Trump has said of women who have abortions if the procedure is outlawed. What sort of punishments is he considering?
a) forcing them to listen to all of his primary speeches
b) forcing them to work for a year at one of his companies
c) no, no, no, nice try, but campaigns are not the place to discuss policy details
3rd down and a lifetime to go) The owners of the Trump International Hotel & Tower are trying to sell the building. The new owners might want to end a 12 year agreement with Trump Toronto Hotel Management, a company owned by Donald Trump which provides marketing, reservation and housekeeping services to the facility, but this would likely entail lawsuits. More lawsuits, I mean. How would this affect Trump’s Presidential campaign?
a) the same way his four bankruptcies have affected his campaign
b) the same way his reneging on his promise to release his tax returns has affected his campaign
c) the same way the lies, retractions, changes in course, personal attacks on other politicians, personal attacks on anybody Trump doesn’t like, racism, sexism and assorted other bad behaviours have affected his campaign – not at all! The man is unstoppable! A never-ending nightmare of…of…of unstoppability! Would somebody please make the top fall onto the table so I can wake up? Please? PLEASE!
4bearance is three bearances too many) What is the best thing about staying at a Trump-branded hotel?
a) the “Trump Experience” (you can learn what it feels like to grope supermodels, divorce supermodels to marry other supermodels, host your own reality television programme and put your brand on products nobody wants – and you don’t even have to stay for more than three days!)
b) the concierge has the city’s most prominent lawyers on speed-dial
c) using the toilet paper with Trump’s face on every sheet
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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“The Loss Of Eyes Was Devastating,” He Continued. “And, Me, A Veteran Of The War Of The Roses!”
Graduating students of the University of East Anglia have been asked not to throw their mortarboards in the air due to safety concerns.
“We all remember the great Mortarboard Massacre of ’07,” said Alegar McFusty, Dean of Anachronisms at the British institution. “Nobody wants a repeat of that. Nobody.”
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/nation/2016/may/25/title-title]
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Terrorism Is A Dish Best Served On Ice
Three men who have been arrested and charged with terrorism insist that it was all a terrible, terrible misunderstanding.
“When we said that we hated America and wanted to destroy it,” said Habib Panjumudran, one of the men, through his lawyer, “we weren’t talking about the country, we were talking about the beer. For the love of Allah and all that is holy, we were just complaining about a brand of beer!“
“Oh. We hadn’t considered that,” said Anita Trinke, a spokesperson for Anheuser-Busch, which changed the name of its flagship brand of beer, Budweiser, to America for the summer. “It’s kind of flattering, when you think that one of our beverages could inspire such strong feelings in some consumers.
“But, uhh, nobody at Anheuser-Bush knew anything about this terrorist plot and we were in no way involved. Okay? Okay.”
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2016/ALLPOLITICS/05/24/reps.main/index.html]
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