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Warfare Is Just Sports By Other Means
It’s the end of Wednesday, and China is leading the 2008 Police Brutality Olympics with 18 gold medals. No surprise there. Not only does China have a history of repression dating back thousands of years, but it has put a substantial amount of money behind training its police and paramilitary forces so that they could make a good showing in front of the home audience.
The United States is in second place with 10 medals, led by the amazing Michael Phelps, who has won five golds in various water torture events, and may win a record eight golds before the games are done.
There was a moment of drama as the Russian women’s team lost a beach voltage to the balls contest to a team nominally from Georgia but made up of Brazilians who had dual passports. “They may have beat us here,” Russian loser Natalia Uryadova sneered, “but we beat them where it counts: on the streets of Tbilisi!”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56838133387]
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The Kids On South Park Will Never Have Another Opportunity To Eat Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls, Either
Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks? Not Isaac Hayes.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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At Least They’re Clear On The Kind Of Action They DON’T Want
The United States army is considering abandoning the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy because recruitment isn’t going well. Of course recruitment isn’t going well! You’re talking about letting fags go back in the military closet with their khakis and medals for bravery under fire!
Imagine being in a tank with frilly pink curtains. Don’t kid yourself. Once you make it official policy to accept gays in the military, they’re going to want to replace traditional camouflage with something more colourful. The military will continue to fall apart as trust between soldiers throughout the corps is undermined by the question: is the guy behind going to cover my ass or try to fuck it?
ACTION: sign on our online petition, Do Ask, Do Expel. If the army wants to increase recruitment, it should take in more retards. Forrest Gump was an excellent soldier.
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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And, The Former Beatle Had A Kenyan Father And An American Mother
Last week, we published a news article in which Democratic hopeful Barack Obama was quoted as telling a private audience that he was “bigger than god.” If our reporters had actually asked somebody who had attended the meeting instead of relying on their anonymous source, they would have been told that what Obama had actually said was: “It has become increasingly clear in my travel, the campaign – that the crowds, the enthusiasm, 200,000 people in Berlin, is not about me at all. It’s about America. I have just become a symbol.”
A little further investigation would have shown that the quote was actually made by John Lennon in 1966.
Despite this, the newspaper will not apologize for its error, because that would make us look like we don’t take basic investigative reporting techniques seriously, and we’re too sensitive for that kind of criticism.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49884-2008Aug03.html]
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And, That’s Supposed To Sell Courier Services…How?
Members of the Spanish Olympic basketball team have defended an advertisement in which they slanted their eyes to make themselves look Chinese. “We thought it was something appropriate and that it would always be interpreted as somewhat loving,” Jose Calderon, a member of the team and a Toronto Raptor, wrote on his Web site, adding that “some of my best friends in Toronto are from China…”
It’s a good thing that the accompanying television ad hasn’t received the same level of international attention. In it, members of the Spanish team affecting Yiddish accents try to convince other members with southern drawls to let them win a few medals by bombing the Iranian team. Somehow, I don’t think saying “some of my best friends are Jewish” would make that ad all right!
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1092271590525]
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TV Doesn’t Get Much Realitier
Thursday. 9pm. NBC. Corrupt or Stupid? When financial irregularities are found in their books, corporate executives have to plead guilty to plundering the company (corrupt) or ignorant of the fact that other people were plundering the company they were supposed to be in control of (stupid). This week: Livent’s Garth Drabinsky and Myron Gottlieb choose – surprise, surprise – stupid.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp’referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Her New Campaign Motto: Keep Resentment Alive
Congratulations to Ed Farfegneugin of Accounting for winning the “How long will it take before a Clinton abandons all pretense of party unity and throws a monkey wrench into the Obama campaign?” office pool. Ed had picked July 29. It was actually July 31 when Hillary Clinton released a video insisting that her supporters be allowed to name her as their presidential candidate at the Democratic nominating convention. Yes, there’s really nothing that unites a party more than rallying behind the person who didn’t win the nomination. Ed has won $50 and the undying enmity of all the women in the office.
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/July2007.txt]
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Money May Talk, But Your Tax Dollars Are Too Busy Laughing Their Asses Off
Eleven senior Conservatives refused to attend a Commons Ethics Committee hearing on whether the Conservative Party broke election funding rules. Spurred by reports that the Party advised the witnesses not to attend, opposition MPs said they would consider a separate inquiry into the reason for the no-shows.
This is how governments become recursive. The next step, of course, will be to hold an inquiry into why Conservatives didn’t attend the inquiry into why they didn’t show up for the inquiry into election finances. Then, we’ll need an inquiry into why Conservatives didn’t attend the inquiry about why they didn’t attend the inquiry into why they didn’t show up for the inquiry into election finances.
Then, Stephen Harper will have facilitated the American annexation of Canada, and all ongoing inquiries will have become moot.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088541831813&call_pageid=968335233492&col=966666972154]
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