Thank you, Astrid Babbleon, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, last week, four aid workers from – or, was it six? – as many as seven aid workers from Chef…Andrew? Anderson? Andy of Mayberry? Umm…as many as seven aid workers sponsored by a famous chef were killed trying to deliver aid to starving Gaz – oh, look, a solar eclipse! Man, that was something, wasn’t it? Where were w – oh, right. Aid workers. Killed by Israeli Defence Forces, despite being clearly…umm…clearly marked and…and…and there was some public outrage because…reasons. But then Donald Trump couldn’t get a court to delay his hush money trial, and 2023 was the hottest year on record and that solar eclipse really was amazing and…and…and…and…and…
What were we talking about again?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Take The Money And Crawl
INT. BAR – DAY
PRIME MINISTER JUSTIN TRUDEAU and ONTARIO PREMIER DOUG FORD are sitting at a table, several empty glasses in front of them.
DOUG FORD: There aren’t many things that Pierre Trudeau and I agree on.
JUSTIN TRUDEAU: It’s Justin, actually. But it’s true. I think Rob Ford is a conniving, back-stabbing corporate shill who pretends to care about the working man while screwing him every chance he gets.
FORD: Hey! The name’s Doug, bud! And I think Trudeau is a limousine Liberal corporate shill who doesn’t even bother pretending to care about the working man while screwing him every chance he gets.
Pause. Very uncomfortable pause.
TRUDEAU: But one thing we can agree on is that the Ford Motor Company should not have promised to turn its Oakville plant into an Electric Vehicle producer by 2025, then postpone the changeover until 2027.
FORD: Especially since the Province gave the company a $295 million subsidy for the switch.
TRUDEAU: Hey! So did the federal government!
FORD: Yep. We were both screwed. (raises his glass) That we can agree on. Cheers.
They clink glasses and chug.
FORD: Get the next round, will you? All this exposition is making me thirsty.
TRUDEAU: It’s your turn to get the next round.
FORD: Are you shitting me? It’s the federal government’s turn to get the next round.
TRUDEAU: Please be reasonable! The provinces have to pay their fair share, and the next round is part of it!
ANNOUNCER: (over their bickering) When it comes to corporate subsidies, nine out of ten politicians agree: don’t expect corporate gratitude.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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The Arc Of Justice Goes On A Bender
Football star, actor and crusader for equal rights Orenthal James “Orange Juice” Simpson has died of cancer at the age of 76. Of all of his accomplishments, the one he is most likely to be remembered for is proving that a Black man with tons of money can buy justice just as easily as a white man with tons of money.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Then, He Unleashed The Mirko Smirko On The Committee
They Never Stood A Chance
At a hearing before Members of Parliament, Bell CEO Mirko Bibic defended the company’s decision to lay off 4,800 employees. “With falling revenues, the media ecosystem is in crisis,” he argued.
When it was pointed out that he accepted substantial bonuses and equity stakes from the company at the same time as the layoffs, Bibic responded, “You don’t think having to justify that is a crisis? I’m here having to answer questions from you, aren’t I? Life doesn’t get more crisisy than that!”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a008]
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A Well-Executed Practical Joke? Oh, Rapture!
The solar eclipse-driven apocalypse did not turn out the way many evangelicals had expected it to.
“I…I don’t understand,” said Andre Firchblungst. “I have always followed the word of Jesus. When I was called to stand with white Christians in America, I supported policies that would have closed our border to immigrants. I believe in free markets and not giving government support to those who are incapable of supporting themselves. My success in banking is clearly approved of by God – how could I be able to afford this mansion if not by His grace? But I wasn’t raptured to Heaven!”
Firchblungst pointed out that an empty suit in front of the house of his neighbour, Ishmael Goldblatt, suggested that he was raptured instead. “How does that make any sense?” Firchblungst moaned. “Not only is Izzy a Communist, but he’s Jewish!” I could not detect a hint of “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” in his statement.
Found sipping a martini in his living room, Goldblatt commented, “Could you please not print that I left an empty suit on the sidewalk just to see how Andre would respond? I wouldn’t want the joke to end too soon!”
SOURCE: Religion For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/home.asp?did=582&dir=bb]
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“Of Course I Punch Down. Punching Up Could Result In People Punching Back, And That Would Hurt!”
Punching Down, Sucking Up
starring Dave Chappelle
Netflux
Starting streaming Friday
The comedian, formerly known as funny, goes ultrameta as he makes jokes about being meta about making jokes about his comedy crusade against transgender people. If his brow was any lower, he would trip on it as he walks onto the stage.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Sadly, All Three Of Them Would Vote For McDruhitmumpf If He Allowed Another Election
According to Stephen Siewnottmillertyme, head of racist state terrorism when Ronald McDruhitmumpf was president, mass deportations of brown and Black people would be “celebrated by American workers, who will now be offered higher wages with better benefits to fill these jobs.” How has that turned out?
“I’d love to talk to you,” said guava harvester Mark Whitebread, wiping sweat off his brow with the sleeve of his shirt, “but if I don’t make my hourly quota, I won’t be able to afford rent this month.”
“I’d love to talk to you,” said slaughterhouse worker James Whitfield, “but if management ever finds out I blew the whistle on them, I would be fired in a New York second, and I have no savings to live on.”
“I’d love to talk to you,” said taxi driver Alain Ford, “but the destination you’ve given me isn’t far from here, so we wouldn’t have enough time to give the subject the detail it needs. Are you sure you don’t have some place else to be?
Oh, yeah. Siewnottmillertyme was a prophet.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32390226414648851317fx]
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