Thank you, Asoke Viswanathan, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard that Cat Stevens would be performing again. Our first thought was, He’s Still alive? No, we didn’t mean it like that – Cat Stevens is no Abe Vigoda. We meant that he long ago turned himself into a strict Muslim by the name of Yusuf Islam. Going to one of his concerts now should be an adventure. Will the man who wrote “Peace Train” show up? Or, will the man who cheered the murder of Salman Rushdie show up? Hmmmm…sounds like an idea for an office pool!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
And, If That Doesn’t Work, There’s A Sweet Little Galaxy Seven Hundred Thousand Light Years Away That Might Take You…
A few months after moving off Earth to find religious freedom, a group of extreme Orthodox Jews are being told they have to leave their homes on Mars.
“We tried to get along with the Lev Tahor beings,” said Vervash Vuevolly, Mayor of Vavreville, a city in the central part of the southern hemisphere of the planet, its eyestalks palpitating agitatedly. “Really, we did. But, they dump garbage in front of Shmully Vasht during the holy Day of Tentacles. They caterwaul something called ‘prayers’ during our Hour of Silent Rectitude. And, the stories I have heard about how they treat their younglings! I am sorry, but they just had to go!”
“Martians are anti-semites,” said three year-old Schmuel Isaacsoon. We’re not sure why he was chosen to represent Lev Tahor to the press, but there you are. Isaacsoon said that the sect was currently looking into booking passage to Alpha Centauri.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32083641974641316637fx]
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At This Rate, They’ll Run Out Of Hollywood Actors Midway Through The Second Season
9pm. Springfield Blue. Fox.
Combines the best elements of high school dramas such as To Sir With Love and police procedurals like NYPD Blue. This series was made possible by a recently enacted Missouri law that drops the concealed carry (CCW) age requirement from 21 to 19 and allows local school districts to grant CCW privileges to teachers. In the opening episode, a shootout leaves half of the main cast dead and several others wounded. Fox isn’t sure there will be a second episode.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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They Said His Real Name Was O’Bama Because…Geography Isn’t Exactly Their Strong Point
While overseas for a NATO summit, President Obama made a surprise visit to Stonehenge. Fox News immediately accused him of being a Druid-worshipping pagan and demanded that he show proof that he wasn’t born in Cardiff.
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/pagan-ninny-09-05-14]
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CODENAME: O’Keefe Maneuver
| 1. | Find a loyal Conservative who is not known to the Liberal Party and try to get him into a private Liberal function. | |
| 2. | Is your agent given credentials to get into the event? | |
| NO | GO TO 1 | |
| YES | 3. | Have the person ask a prominent Liberal a leading question, promising that his answer will be strictly off the record. |
| 4. | Does the prominent Liberal answer in a candid fashion that is certain to embarrass the party if it is made public? | |
| NO | GO TO 3 | |
| YES | 5. | Publicize the answer as widely as possible. |
| 6. | Has the Liberal party figured out that your agent is a Conservative ringer? | |
| NO | GO TO 3 | |
| YES | | GO TO 1 |
|
NOTES
Dirty tricks have been a part of politics since Og convinced rival for clan leadership Thag that the Clan of the Mud Velociraptors was safe to raid. Hee hee. The dirty trick described here is relatively simple but is guaranteed to generate bad publicity for your political rivals. Why? Because Liberals never learn! Hee hee and ha.
As always, this algorithm describes things as they are, not as they should be. The morality of implementing the algorithm is left up to the politician contemplating it. Still, hee hee and all that.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Execution Is Too Good For Them – They Should Be Forced To Sit Through A 24 Hour Latma Marathon
Citing moral reasons, dozens of reserve soldiers from an elite Israeli intelligence unit publicly declared that they would refuse to operate in the Palestinian territories.
The Canadian Jewish News immediately labeled them self-hating Jews and urged a swift court-martial and execution for each and every one of them.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=3090211597365]
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But, Don’t Let My Emotions Sway Your Vote…
“I love Scotland. If I were physically able, I would bear all of your children until my body was a shriveled old husk of a thing,” said British Prime Minister David Cameron hours before the Scottish referendum on independence. Then, he took a deep breath and added: “But, if you don’t remain within the United Kingdom, I will rain economic hellfire down upon you that will make your country financially unviable for generations to come!”
“Bit of a mixed message there,” said Yes organizer Dalton Grumble.
SOURCE: Beeb Radio On the Web
[http://www.beeb.co.uk/mediaselector/check/worldservice/meta/tx/summary5min?size=au&bgc=013569&lang=en-ws&nbram=1&nbwm=1]
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Her Original Name Was Considered Too Ethnic By Her Banker
Hi. My name is “Debt Free.” That doesn’t mean that I don’t owe anybody any money. I’ll owe money to the end of my days, and probably for several lifetimes. No, it means that I have legally changed my name.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=2740925604]
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Given A Choice, 72 Per Cent Of Students Choose The Rack Over Dodgeball
Against a background of American flags and a brass marching band, the Faggots Must Die! Club of Camden Central High School burnt its first gay student at the stake Friday night. “I thought it was going to be like fireworks on the Fourth of July or something,” groused grade 11 student Attila Smith. “Instead, there was, like, a couple of minutes of screaming and the fire didn’t even last that long.”
When Lillian Bedletter, mother of Simon, the gay student, complained about her son’s murder, she was told that nothing could be done since Tennessee had passed the “Religious Viewpoints Antidiscrimination Act” that allowed students to use religion in any manner they chose and protected them when they did. “But, I’m an atheist,” Bedletter protested.
“She better stay away from the Camden Central High,” Smith stated. “We have put a couple of racks in the gym to deal with people like her…
SOURCE: This Week in Medievalism
[http://hosted2.twIm.org/APDEFAULT/bbd825583c8563198e6fa7d480b9febc/Article_2014-03-25-HealthBeat-Free%Torture/id-b426496b78574f402736f8786520b7fe]
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