Thank you, Aragones Vermillion, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we had a pleasant conversation with Mindy Kaling. And, when we say conversation, what we mean is that we listened to her as she told us our friend wasn’t currently available and we should call her back later, okay? Okay! Mindy Kaling is so adorable that way. And, we would totally go out with her. Of course we would! She’s quirky and funny and has a steady job as a gynecologist. The only problem is, of course, that she doesn’t know that we exist. Acknowledgement of mutual existence is a fundamental element of any relationship. We learned that the hard way from Tina Fey.
Valentine’s Day is just full of important life lessons, isn’t it?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
I’m Sure The Puppy Thinks It’s For The Best
Benedict XVI has resigned, the first Pope to do so in over 600 years. Rumour has it that he was asked by a senior Cardinal whether he was still fit for the job, and Benedict thought that he was being asked if he wanted to strangle a puppy.
Perhaps this was for the best.
The speech announcing the Pope’s resignation was given in Latin. It included the phrase: hic propter esse copter prop hic. Babelfish translates this as: “Get the helicopter, I’m bombed out of my skull!”
Yes, it looks more and more like this was for the best.
SOURCE: Religion For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/home.asp?did=534&dir=bb]
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Punditry Works Better When You Are Wearing A Sarong –
Although I Could Be Wrong
Entertaining the Possibility
Making war in the growing killing fields from Afghanistan to Lachine.
If necessary, going it alone.
Using our mighty war machine,
Or targeting individual enemies with drones –
This is how a country stays strong.
Death and destruction, and bankrupting the national purse –
Leading the free world sure is a terrible curse.
But, it could be much worse:
I could be wrong.
Corrupt corporate heads get hastily bailed
Out – destroying the world economy is how you get ahead
While ordinary folks get jailed
For a decade or more for stealing their third loaf of bread.
It’s an old, old, very old, ancient, really, song.
How you end up often depends
Upon the number and quality of your friends.
Although – heaven forfend! –
I could be wrong
I always have an instant opinion
(Usually free of uncomfortably pesky facts);
Luckily, I have a million minions
Whose attitude towards proof is relaxed,
And who are willing to become part of an angry throng.
They will always listen to me
Because, of course, I’m on TV,
And it will never occur to them that maybe
I could be wrong.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/628.html]
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Chancellor Angela Merkel Shook Her Head Sadly And Declared The Death Of Irony
A comment by a female politician about how well a male journalist could “fill out a codpiece” has prompted absolutely no response from men across Germany. “I guess we’d all like to believe that about ourselves,” tweeted Olympic sidehorse brass medalist Hans Dietrich Franz.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M3UF96LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s129/Os/14/JD030O.7wF!2qZiiv~/
DUeReDR/s119/Os/28/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!4iG5gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=32324]
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DETENTION DIARY: Fanning The Flames Of Extremism
WEEK FORTY-EIGHT
You ever heard the expression “like a house on fire?” You know, as in, “The elephant and the hoot owless got on like a house on fire?” Or, “That book about sparkly race car drivers took off like a house on fire?” Or, “That thing that’s really popular right now is like a house on fire?”
Well, the phrase is not nearly as endearing when it’s your house (or trailer) on fire, although, I suppose it’s more accurate.
I ran into the kitchen area, where I found my dad huddled against the dishwasher. “I didn’t get a medal,” he keened. “I should have gotten a medal, but I didn’t get a medal.”
When I was a kid, whenever I got a good grade on an assignment, scored a touchdown or didn’t get beat up at recess, my father would always respond, “So, what? You want a medal?” This was awkward.
“Dad!” I shouted. “I gotta get you out of here!”
“You have my medal?” he replied. The rotgut stench of his breath was so strong I was surprised it didn’t connect with the flames around us and combust.
“Uhh, yeah!” I told him. “If you want your medal, you have to come with me. Now!”
Dad tried to get up, but his legs had abandoned him. I put an arm under his and pulled him up – sonofabitch was heavier than I remembered. I half pulled, half dragged him out of the trailer.
Sitting on the gravel of the trailer park, dad shook his head and asked, “Hey, did I…did I…set fire to the trailer?”
“Yeah,” I bitterly responded. “What do you want? A medal?”
“Hell, yeah. Where’s my medal?”
I tried to gently let the old man down about the whole medal thing, but he kept on and on about it. After 10 minutes, I got fed up and handed him the last business card I had in my wallet. It took me a while, but I was able to convince him that this was the form that medals were handed out in these days.
My dad snored loudly as the firemen arrived and put out the blaze. The trailer was totalled.
And, I thought, This is the life I have to look forward to?
SOURCE: Harpo’s
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/12/02/dd-9000048]
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But…Aren’t Your Neighbours Rich?
“Mister President, I don’t oppose your plans because I want to protect the rich. I oppose your plans because I want to protect my neighbours.”
– Marco Rubio’s response to President Obama’s State of the Union address
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Multiculturalism Means Never Having To Say Sorry…To Obese Gentlemen Named Choi
Kung hey fat choi – which, I think, means “Hey fat guy named Choi.” I’m not sure why Asian people feel the need to greet overweight fellows named Choi on their New Year, but I respect their right to celebrate their ritual passages in any way that is meaningful to them.
This year is the year of the Snake in the Chinese calendar. Not that that means much in the nation’s capital – for politicians, every year is the year of the snake!
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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How You Feel On The Issue Depends Upon Whether It’s Your Ox Pooping Methane Gas Or Being Slaughtered To Feed The European Market
What stage of global warming denial are we currently at? Use this handy checklist:
Global warming is not happening.
There is no evidence that global warming is happening.
The small number of scientists who believe that global warming is happening are practicing bad science.
The small number of scientists who believe that global warming is happening have been paid to come to this conclusion by radical environmentalists.
A lot of scientists dispute the evidence that global warming is happening, so it clearly isn’t.
Global warming isn’t happening, but, if it were, it wouldn’t be caused by human activity.
We had a big snowstorm yesterday, so clearly global warming is a myth.
Global warming isn’t happening, but, if it were, it would be part of a natural cycle.
YOU ARE HERE: Global warming theory is a conspiracy to wreck the economy by radical anti-capitalists.
Global warming isn’t happening, but, if it were, human ingenuity would find a way to combat it.
Global warming isn’t happening, but, you know, if it is, we should find a way to make a profit out of it.
Human beings look better with gills.
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=547&dir=bb]
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The Male Mind Is Endlessly Fascinating –
It Can Make A Dirty Joke Out Of Anything!
A guy from New Jersey is suing Subway sandwiches because the meatball subs he regularly ate there were sometimes half an inch to a full inch shorter than the advertised 12 inch length. And, I thought, hasn’t anybody explained to you that it’s not the length of your meat but what you do with it that counts?
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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