Thank you, Anna Anthracite, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Lollyphile, makers of maple bacon – mmmmm, bacon, strawberry basil mojito and white Russian lollipops announced a new flavour: breast milk. And, we thought, okay, we’re basically infants at heart – this is gonna be awesome! And, it was: sweet with just a hint of almonds, cinnamon and crushed youthful dreams. Of course, it is not made with actual breast milk; the lollipop contains sugar, corn syrup and artificial and natural flavours. Typical for our culture: remove anything healthy in a product and replace it with addictive substances that are bad for you. Still, Diabetes seems like a small price to pay to be taken back to when we were three months old – they were the best days of our lives. Bwaaaaaaah nahaha gurgle gurgle pfffft!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
No, Doing The Right Thing Is Simple
Convincing Your Base That It IS The Right Thing To Do Is Complicated
Excerpt from the International Treaties Frequently Unasked Question file on the Harper Government of Canada Web site:
1. In April, did Canada vote for the international Arms Trade Treaty which requires countries to report on arms exports to help ensure that weapons such as missiles and tanks don’t go to countries banned for human rights abuses or that will transfer them to abusive factions or terrorist organizations?
We certainly did. The consequences of an unregulated international arms trade are horrific.
2. But, Canada hasn’t signed the completed Treaty yet. Why not?
Don’t worry. We will. We’re just…looking for the right pen to sign with. We want a pen that will allow us to write with a bold, firm line.
3. So, you support the United Nations reinstating the long gun registry in Canada?
What? No! Of course not!
4. Wouldn’t this Arms Treaty be a pretext for the UN to come into Canada and take all of our guns?
Come on! You know that we would never allow that!
5. So, you oppose the Treaty?
Absolutely. No international treaty should interfere with the democratic freedoms of our citizens!
6. Democratic freedom? Like such democratic countries as Iran, Syria and North Korea, which voted against the Treaty? And, forgive me for asking, but what kind of citizen of a democracy needs a tank?
Whoo boy, this is complicated.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-4734183781506cahs01.html]
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It’s A Fine Line Between Catering To Families And Creating Them
Taco Bell has responded aggressively to the negative reaction to the picture of an employee licking a stack of 25 empty taco shells.
“His tongue was out,” Taco bell said in a statement, “because he was French kissing the food. He loves it that much. In fact, we have many photos of Taco Bell employees showing their love for our product in more, uhh, direct ways, but our clientele is made up of families, so they will remain in our CEO’s personal collection.”
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB113413397491118404,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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The Snake Swallows Its Tail, Then Negotiates The Book And Film Rights With OmniEntertain, A Wholly Owned Subsidiary Of MultiNatCorp (“We Do Vertical AND Horizontal Integration Stuff!”)
Original Ricin
starring Shannon Guess Richardson
written and directed by Shannon Guess Richardson
produced by a country that venerates celebrity and violence
Shannon has dreams of becoming a major actress, but can only get minor parts in popular TV series. Sick of playing parts like “Zombie 12,” one night Shannon gets a brilliant idea: send a ricin-laced letter to the President so that when the TV movie based on reports of the crime is produced, she can play herself! But, will it work, or will she be replaced by Shannon Doherty?
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt2253344/]
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Exhaust From Pixie Dust Fuelled Engines Smells Like Almonds, Cinnamon And Environmental Despair
So responded CNN environmental reporter Erick Erickson to news that mothers were now the primary source of income in 40 percent of American households. That he had to go to Fox News to say it should tell you something right there.
Of course, Erickson has a point. Five out of every four biologists know how the female peacock has colourful plumage to attract the male, even if they’re not saying. Not only that, but 247 per cent of them will tell you that the male black widow spider kills the female after mating. Because, having a female actually carry fertilized eggs to term is not necessary for the propagation of your species. And, that has to be true because it’s scientific!
Sigh. So many religious people try to use science to justify their faith-based beliefs that there is a whole suburb of the Bag of Crazy just for them. The buildings are made out of marinara sauce and the cars run on pixie dust, of course. Unbelievers shouldn’t scoff -pixie dust gets better mileage than diesel fuel!
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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We May Have Been Paraphrasing Just A Bit
What He Really Said Was: “No Big Whup”
Société Radio-Canada, the French language service of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, has announced that from now on it will be called S’EN ALLER. This can be directly translated as “go away,” or, more colloquially, as “bugger off.”
The organization’s Web address will be changed from Radio-Canada.ca to SEC.ca, short for “s’en aller Canada.” In a similar vein, its main TV channel will be SEC Télé, its radio chain will be SEC Secondaire and Espace Musique will become SEC Musique.
The few people who still care about such things were in an uproar over the name change, but sources within Société Radio-Canada said that the rebranding exercise was no big deal. “We’ve always had contempt for the country’s English speaking majority,” an unnamed President stated. “This just codifies that in our name. No biggie, really.”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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They Were Just Following The Gluten Commandments…
Hot on the (tastefully low – remember who we’re talking about, here) heels of the announcement that they would be offering gluten-free wafers to parishioners for communion, Anglican and Protestant churches in Toronto have said that they will soon also be offering “caffeine-enhanced” wafers.
“It’s hip, it’s new, it’s trendy,” said Anglican arch-bishop Whilliam Whitbred. “Besides, it will help keep parishioners awake through our long, long sermons!”
The only holdout has been the Catholic church. “Why would we want to distribute caffeinated communion wafers?” asked Bishop Italio Fabreezio. “That would just give our parishioners more energy to go out and sin!”
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=529&but=allis1]
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