Thank you, andthehouseyourodeinon, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were asked, “Who won?” Naturally, we answered, “The Blue Jays. It looks like they’re serious about a playoff run this yea -” Even more naturally, the asker interrupted, “No, I meant who won the election?”
Election? There was an elec – oh, of course, the Canadian election. That was happening all this month. We knew that. We, uhh, just, give us a second to see the latest results… Okay. It looks like the parties got almost exactly the same amount of seats that they had when Parliament was dissolved. So, nobody won. Unless you would consider ignoring the whole mess a win – in which case, we did.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Preacher Better Hope Satan Is A Classic Rock Fan
Conservative…conservative Bob Enyart, the pastor of the Denver Bible Church and one-of-a-kind talk show host, has died from COVID-19. (Another one bites the dust.) Enyart and his wife refused to get the vaccine due to concerns that it was produced using parts of aborted fetuses. (Doot doot doot – another one bites the dust.) In October, Enyart successfully sued Colorado over mask mandates and capacity limits in churches. (And, another one’s gone. And, another one’s gone.) On his old TV show, Bob Enyart Live, the host would gleefully read obituaries of AIDS sufferers while cranking “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen. (Another one bites the dust!)
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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#RepresentationSoComplicated
#EmmySoWhite
#SoWhyDoYouWantAnEmmySoBadly
#EmmyRecognizesBestInTelevision
#NoEmmyAGlorifiedPopularityContest
#WhyWouldYouSayThatAboutEmmy
#EmmySoWhite
#Erm…my
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=669&dir=bb]
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At Least The Chimpanzee Would Have Died Happy
Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett mused that Justices must be “hyper-vigilant to make sure they’re not letting personal biases creep into their decisions, since judges are people, too.” She made this appeal for the impartialiality of the court with Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell at her side, at a centre that he founded. That would be the same Senate Leader Mitch McConnell whose machinations to get her on the court were so beyond hyper-partisan they had accelerated to warp-seven-partisan!
The Absurd Ironyometer didn’t have the words, so it mimed that it was a chimpanzee drowning in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding. Or maybe that it was outraged. It’s hard to mime when all you have to work with are adapted clock hands.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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I’m Not Big On Violent Imagery, But That Would Be Proof That I Was Slaying My Audience!
I have a list of ways I know that I will have made it as a writer. For instance, when my name is a clue in a crossword puzzle, or the first time somebody sets a work of fan fiction in my universe, or when I get my first death threat from an internet troll. Something to look forward to (he inspiratioI’ve never been under police protection…). I recently added another item to my list: when one of my books becomes a touchstone for a conspiracy theory.
According to Shiva Ayyadurai, Donald Trump’s vote was undercounted by 4.2 per cent in every state. How did he come by this number? “Either this whole thing is a hoax, disinformation to try to actually take away the real substantive issues of election fraud (like ballot images, etc.) – OR there’s a bunch of nerds out there who simply said we’re just going to subtract votes [From Trump] by 4.2 percent. So either it’s a hoax or people read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”
Man, I would kill to have that kind of recognition!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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It Was The Most Sensible Thing The Governor Had Ever Said On The Issue
When Texas’ anti-abortion law went into effect, critics charged that it would allow anybody to sue an Uber driver who transported a woman to a clinic for the procedure. The critics weren’t thinking big enough.
Franklin Parabellum has sued the Dallas Area Rapid Transit agency for allowing Annette Mick on one of its buses to go downtown for an abortion even though she was more than six weeks pregnant. Explaining why he felt it was his civic duty to begin the legal proceeding, Parabellum stated, “Where’s my 10,000 bucks? I was promised 10,000 bucks.” After a moment’s reflection (he was looking at himself in a funhouse mirror), he added, “Ten thousand bucks buys a lot of civic duty!”
When he was asked whether he intended public transport systems throughout the state to be bankrupted by lawsuits arising from the new law, Texas Governor Greg Abbott said, “Gleep!” When he was given the opportunity to elaborate on this response, he added, “I stand by my previous statement. Glargle bargle.”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2021-09-21-putting-the-ass-back-in-the-lone-star-state_x.htm]
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The Glass Minajerie
Popular singer Nicky Minaj was ridiculed on social media for her claim that a cousin of the brother of the hairdresser for the daughter of the third deputy assistant to the Minister of Health of Trinidad had told her about a Jamaican man whose testicles ballooned because of a COVID shot.
Rightly so. Everybody knows that you can’t trust anything you hear from anybody less than the cousin of the brother of the hairdresser for the daughter of the second deputy assistant to the Minister of Health of Trinidad!
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=9/22/2021.htm#1]
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The PPC’s Vetting Process Consists Of A Meat Lover’s Pizza And A Six Pack
Even before the ballots were counted, there were losers.
NDP candidate Sidney Coles ended her campaign after posting “unsubstantiated theories about vaccine supply linked to Israel” on Twitter. On the same day, NDP candidate Dan Osborne ended his campaign after the public became aware of a Holocaust joke he had made two years previously on what he claimed was a satire website.
Meanwhile, the Liberal Party rejected candidate Kevin Vuong, who faced a charge of sexual assault (which was ultimately dropped) in 2019. And the Canada Council of Imams demanded that Conservative Steven Carter be disavowed as their party’s candidate for sharing Islamophobic Facebook posts about shariah law and the burqa ban.
And what about the People’s Party of Canada? “They sound like great Canadians to me,” said PPC leader Maxime Bernier. “We’d be thrilled to have them! I’m in the book, guys – call me!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20210921.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsOops2021/]
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