Thank you, Amina Kipkalya, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the weather turned bastard on us. Look, at least 40 Celsius degrees is honest – you know it’s a miserable son of a bitch. It’s not trying to convince you that it is anything but a miserable son of a bitch. But, then, when it drops 10 degrees, you think it’s wonderful, but the temperature lies! We still worked up a sweat just walking…from the parking lot to the front door of the office. And, to tell you all the ways we hate sweat would fill updates for the next three days! We’ll never trust weather again.
That’ll teach it.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
As Marx Truly Said: “I Wouldn’t Want To Belong To Any Group That Would Have Giorgio Mammoliti As A Member”
“I’m really sick and tired of hearing from the communists in this city,” said Toronto City Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti, explaining that he would not allow them to access a Facebook page he has created to support Mayor Rob Ford. Don’t make the mistake of thinking he’s out of touch just because he talks about communists, though: he’s just being fashionably retro.
Still, as a public service, we’d like to educate Mammoliti on the differences between communism, members of Ford Nation and opponents of Ford Nation. And, what better way to do that than with a chart?
| communism | Ford Nation members | Ford Nation opponents |
|---|---|---|
| dead | work hard | work hard |
| dead | some goof off | some goof off |
| dead | support families | support families |
| dead | hate taxes | recognize much needed programmes paid for by taxes |
| dead | some love hockey | some love hockey |
| dead | some love opera | some love opera |
| dead | hate government workers, love cops, firefighters, et al | think that’s a weird contradiction |
| still dead | some love beer | some love beer |
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/local/its-his-party-and-hell-be-anachronistic-if-he-wants-to/]
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First As Tragedy, Then As Farsi
Iran has called on the British government to “restrain” its police and stop the “violent treatment” of rioters. Restrain its police and stop the violent treatment of rioters.
The Absurd Ironyometer regrets that it didn’t learn Farsi in high school.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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That’ll Settle His Hashtags, Boy Howdy
#tobybarrett #braindead #douchebag #reactionary #crossdresser #idealogue #useshardlineagainstnativestopandertohisbase
But, note that, in writing this, I am not calling Conservative MPP Toby Barrett a braindead reactionary cross-dressing ideological douchebag who uses a hard line against natives to pander to his base. I just used hashtags.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Reason Not Tempered By Compassion Is A Web Site Now
Michelle Fields grills actor Matt Damon at a Save Our Schools rally about how teachers become lazy because of their membership in unions. Damon may feel he got the better of the exchange, but our carefully edited footage says otherwise.
SOURCE: unREASONable.tv
[http://unreasonable.tv/video/show/michelle-fields-versus-wacko-teachers]
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THIS Is How They Repay Us For The Bailouts?
“GM recalls Cadillacs”
– Toronto Star
“Toyota recalls 51,000 Tundra trucks”
– Globe and Mail
“Honda recalls more than 135,000 cars in Canada”
– Montreal Gazette
“Chrysler recalling 367,000 minivans”
– Globe and Mail
“Ford recall targets 1.1 million pickups”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1276507340]
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Cheese It, The Copts!
Hating homosexuals is as natural to many Christians as wafers and wine on Superbowl Sunday. So, when the Catholic Church in Toronto knuckles under to radical secularists and suggests that maybe, perhaps it could possibly be not quite so vituperative in its condemnation of queers as it has been in the past, we have to ask them: “Why do you hate God so much?”
So, thank You Know Who for Coptic Priest Jeremiah Attaalla, who threatened to pull 400 children from the Catholic School Board if it didn’t maintain a hard line on Sodomites. Long after the Catholics find themselves roasting their chestnuts over an open fire in Hell, Egyptian Christians will bask in the glory of their loving, faggot hating God.
Keep hate alive! Support Toronto’s Copts!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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Congress Will Have To Replace Robert’s Rules Of Order With The Hostage Rescue Manual
“I think some of our members may have thought the default issue was a hostage you might take a chance at shooting. Most of us didn’t think that. What we did learn is this – it’s a hostage that’s worth ransoming. And it focuses the Congress on something that must be done.”
– Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Live And Don’t Learn
“Canada’s Emission Trends,” a report by Environment Canada, forecasts that the development of the country’s tar sands will undo greenhouse gas gains made by reducing its reliance on coal.
“Clearly,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper responded, “we didn’t fire people at Environment Canada fast enough!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20110809.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsEnvironment2011/]
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It’s Just Like Real Life, Except Without The Mustard
Didn’t See It Coming
directed by Ron Howard
starring Dane Cook, Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis
In Didn’t See It Coming, harried family man Dane Cook and successful rock star Justin Timberlake wake up one morning to find that their souls have been placed in each other’s bodies. The twist on the increasingly decrepit body switching flick? Nobody cares and, by the end of the movie, nobody has learned to be satisfied with the life they have.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0078350/]
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Children Are The Fear Of The Future
STORE EMPLOYEE: Here’s your bottle of Chivas Regal, Mister Woefullyinadequateparent. You may feel smug that you keep it locked in the liquor cabinet, but should you? Girls are learning to do amazing things with bobby pins, and boys with liquid nitrogen. Without you even knowing it, little Betty could be taking the bottle to little Jimmy’s Halloween beach party, where it will give a small buzz to the 37 little Charlies and little Fionnulas and little Nazreens. But, have you considered how it will mix with the bottles of Glenlivet and Captain Morgan and peach schnapps and whatever else the other children managed to steal from their parents’ liquor cabinets? First, the beach party will turn into an orgy. Then, sated on liquor and sex, the children will not be able to defend themselves from the inevitable zombie attack. Not so smug about the lock on your liquor cabinet now, are you?
ANNOUNCER: This has been a message from the Canadian Ministry of Nostalgia for Prohibition and this station.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1507632904]
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