Thank you, AmericanIdoit, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Umm, you know, we like Green Day as much as the next group of middle-aged middle management cubicle drones, but even we think that misappropriating the name of their latest album for a sign-up ID is lame. We blame the education system.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Woman In Vegetative State Has Sex In Her Head
In Britain, researchers have reported that a totally unresponsive 23-year-old woman showed signs of awareness on a brain-imaging test. When asked to imagine having sex, her brain lit up the same neural pathways as a healthy brain. When asked to imagine her boyfriend giving her oral sex, the MRI revealed changes in specific brain regions that mimicked healthy people.
This gives social conservatives a dilemma. One the one hand, it helps them build a case against ending life support for people in a persistent vegetative state (even though, technically, the woman wasn’t in one). On the other hand, it does so in a way that seems to promote an unhealthy lifestyle – sex with human vegetables before marriage.
“Promoting sex outside of consciousness is just plain wrong,” claimed Reverend Pat Robertson. “Can women on life support machines have children? No, no, forget I said that. Any way you look at it, it’s wrong… Still, you think they could have maybe one child?”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=31922691314661314687wow]
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All The News That Fits Our Budget We Print
| 1. | Pay another journalist to write favourable articles about your government. | |
| 2. | Has the public found out about your little attempt to subvert democracy? | |
| NO | GO TO 1 | |
| YES | 3. | Find a different media outlet whose generally favourable editorial board will unquestioningly report on whatever positive news you want spread about your government. Give its owners tax and other financial incentives to keep up their good work. |
| 4. | Has the public found out about the media outlet’s efforts on behalf of your little attempt to subvert democracy? | |
| YES | GO TO 1 | |
| NO | GO TO 3 |
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=469&dir=bb]
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And, You’re Fat And Your Momma Dresses You Funny
Let’s face it: you are a criminal. You want to take bread out of the mouths of our families by stealing our product without paying for it. If we had the resources, we would track you all down and see that you were prosecuted for your thievery to the fullest extent of the law. However, we do not. So, what we plan on doing instead is inserting code into our products that will track how you use them, and alert us to your thieving, criminal ways. This code may leave your computer open to infiltration or attack by unscrupulous hackers; we hope that this will teach you an important lesson about the value of honesty.
Otherwise, please enjoy the music on the CD that you have just purchased.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/1080902548cahs01.html]
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Be Honest: Haven’t You Ever Fantasized About Owning Your Own Rack?
Pope Benedict said he was trying to open a dialogue between Christianity and Islam when he quoted Emperor Manuel II Paleologus to the effect that Muslims spread their religion through violence. What Muslims offended by the reference have to realize is that the Pope actually toned down his rhetoric.
An earlier draft of the speech had Pope Benedict quoting 15th century religious icon Saint Caravantes the Dim, who said, “Yo, Mohammed was a son of a whoring, disease-ridden wench. Word! You want to dialogue with somebody? Meet my little friend – the rack!”
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Thin Skin, Thick Head
American Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was held by security at the Samson Amatumbo Aerodrome and Sports Bar for nine minutes on her way out of Togo. This is in clear violation of international law, which exempts diplomats from airport security measures. While the government of Togo has apologized for what they are desperately claiming was a mistake, some commentators have suggested that it was retribution for Rice giving a speech where she said the country was run by “stinky minions of evil.”
“Misunderstandings happen,” President Bush shrugged. “But, we’re gonna bomb the hell out of Togo just to be sure that they don’t happen again.”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwbugF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!3qZaiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7MUeRDeR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=2112]
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The Book Of Fred, Chapter Seven, Verse Eleven
The Lord God spake to John McCain. And, the Reverend Luis Sheldon was the vessel through which the Lord God spake. And He said, “Cast not thy vote against thy President’s torture bill. Whomsoever shall act thus shall not be delivered of the evangelical Christian vote in the upcoming mid-term elections.”
And, the Lord God looked upon the resulting passage of the torture bill. And, it was good.
SOURCE: The Bible – The Continuing Story
[http://www.thenewestnewtestament.com/the_further_teachings_of_jesus/on_torture/lk06_37a.html]
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News You Can Use (In Some Twisted Way…)
Things to do when you run out of cereal, but there is still milk in the bowl:
Add more cereal.
Put the milk into a glass and drink it.
Pour the milk into the cat’s bowl.
Wash your pinky in it.
Send the extra milk to a starving child in Africa.
SOURCE: Wiwipedia
[http://en.wiwipedia.org/wiwi/Too_much_milk]
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Only Because Arrested Development Was Canceled
Fox talking head Laura Ingraham said that the popularity of the television show 24 was the closest thing the United States has had to a referendum on the use of what she called “tough interrogation techniques,” and what the rest of us call “torture.”
Laura, you’re a babe. I would love it if you would agree to bear my children. Despite this, I have to ask, Laura, sweetie, ARE YOU ON CRACK? (If so, please disregard what I just said about children.)
Conservatives have been complaining for decades that people are losing the ability to tell the difference between reality and fiction. They have argued that the only thing keeping American society from anarchy is that we’ve managed to keep Grand Theft Auto out of the hands of a majority of our impressionable children (and, come to think of it, even more impressionable adults). Until now. Now, apparently, watching violent television means you support the war on civil liberties masquerading as the war on terror. Incredible.
Besides, everybody knows that the show that currently best reflects the state of the Bush administration is Lost.
SOURCE: Are You On Crack?
[http://www.finstermaninternational/~johnny/home]
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