Thank you, Amaranta Pimento, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, a study in The Lancet (which is not a ren faire handout, much to our surprise) suggested that there were 14 factors than can delay or prevent dementia. We looked over their list with a wary eye. Excessive alcohol? Have you ever met a journalist? Physical inactivity? Remember those videos of people talking on their cellphones walking into water fountains? Now, imagine that person was working on a manual typewriter! Social isolation? Seriously? Have you ever met people? Depression? Excuse us? If you’re not depressed at the state of the world, you’re not paying attention!
Why are there never any fun risk factors on these kinds of lists? Not binge-watching The Adams Family. Not cannonballing into the pool when your snooty in-laws are visiting the cottage for the day. Not getting a bigger tax break than you were expecting. Tough, to be sure, but these are sacrifices we would be willing to make to save ourselves from…umm…from…you know, that thing that happens to a lot of people as they get older? It’s a bad thing. It’s on the tip of our tongues…
*SIGH* Be gentle when you wipe the drool off our chins.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Make America Confused Again!
CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN JEWS: “Of course I’m voting for Donald Trump. I’m sick and tired of the Democrats’ forever wars! Trump is going to Make America Great AgainTM by bringing our troops back to the homeland!”
ALSO CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN JEWS: “Of course the United States must support Israel in its widening war in the Middle East! Money! Weapons! Advisors! Troops! Whatever Israel needs, the United States must supply, no matter how much it costs or how long it takes!”
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Can Somebody Please Adjourn The Meeting?
1 bad mother) Project 2025 has changed its name to Agenda 47, arguably a creepier way of referring to it. If it wants to disassociate itself from the bad taste Project 2025 and Agenda 47 leave in most people’s mouths, what should it name itself next?
a) Program 12
b) Docket 7
c) Civil War Propaganda 2
I wasn’t talking 2 you) How often should Project 2025/Agenda 47/Whatever It Calls Itself Next change its name to outrun the bad taste its goals leave in most people’s mouths?
a) at least once a month
b) at least once a week
c) I would say, but I doubt it has access to an atomic clock to keep time with
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The Cultural Sector Looked At This And Said, “Only A Third…?”
According to a report by the Conference Board of Canada, a third of all agricultural jobs could be replaced by technology within the next decade.
The manufacturing sector looked at this news and said: “What took you so long?”
SOURCE: Women’s Wear Daily Worker
[http://www.wwdw.com/content/1&ID=%25%22%2DT%2FRE%2C%20%0A&type=a&mr=332&CFID=723762&CFTOKIN=17200315]
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The Doors’ “Light My Fire” Is The New Provincial Anthem
Jasper, Alberta, has been utterly destroyed by a wildfire that was likely intensified by global warming, a term that UCP politicians like Premier Danielle Smith consider a worse curse word than [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. Despite this, the government has no plans to cut back oil production and move towards a more sustainable industrial base.
“How are firefighters going to be able to fight future wildfires if there is no gas for their engines?” Smith pointed out. “I mean, get serious! Firefighting helicopters don’t fly on smiles and hope for a better future!”
SOURCE: Festerin’ Report
[http://www.ax2grindnet.com/festerinreport/web/feature222222222222-22222.html]
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When “Peace Of Mind” Becomes “A Piece Of My Mind”
CarShield will pay ten million dollars to settle charges that its ads and telemarketing misled consumers into thinking they would be getting compensated for problems that weren’t covered. “Engines?” a press release from the company read, “Pfft! Why would anybody think that ‘complete coverage’ included something as trivial as a car engine?”
One of the complaints against the company was that it used celebrity spokespeople like Ice-T to assure potential customers of things that were not true. “That’s on the suckustomers, isn’t it?” Ice-T drawled. “I mean, I wouldn’t trust anything I said, and I’m me, so I would know!”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-1f00-a1eb0cc6a000]
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You Thought “The Great Game” Was Analogous To Chess? That’s Why You Never See The High Stick Until It Has Taken Out Two Of Your Teeth!
A blockbuster trade has happened between Russia and several members of the NATO league. American journalist Evan Gershkovich and Canadian-born Paul Whelan were among 16 players offered by Russia in exchange for convicted murderer Vadim Krasikov and several players to be named at a later date.
“Citizens are not pawns in a geopolitical game,” argued Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Melanie Joly.
“Maybe not the way you play it,” smirked Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. “Perhaps that’s why you are so bad at it…”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#58133642765]
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Local Goes Lo-Cal
Postmedia’s proposed acquisition of SaltWire Network Inc. and The Halifax Herald Ltd. have raised fears that the company is going to gut the local journalism that so many Atlantic newspapers involved in the deal are known for.
“What, that? Oh, pishtosh!” exclaimed Postmedia CEO Andrew MacLeod. “That is a base canard. Postemedia doesn’t cut local news staffs to the bone.” Although he attempted his best innocent face, he could not ignore the machetes that he was holding in both hands. With a gentle, “Tee hee,” he quickly put his hands behind his back. “Don’t pay any attention to that,” he concluded, “I had a particularly tough steak for lunch!”
SOURCE: Wryerson X University Corporate Named University Journalism Review
[http://www.cnuuniversity.ca/jr/online/theyre-at-the-postmedia1.html]
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Of Course We Show Our Appreciation
After All, We’re A Civilized Nation!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Desperate measures are called for in desperate times,
And Israel desperately needed a distraction from its war crimes.
We were coming under scrutiny for our record on civil rights
When you went and sent rockets into the Golan Heights.
Now, instead of calling Israel to account,
A greater war in the region we are being allowed to mount,
Setting the stage for international outrage.
It is with no small measure of satisfaction
That Israel welcomes this distraction.
Send our way a missile or three
And we regain the sympathy of the international community.
So, we hope you will allow us to buy you a cherry cola
As we sing our gratitude to the men and women of Hezbollah.
Playing into our hands takes a lot of courage!
SOURCE: Hellmark Greeting Cards
[http://www.hellmark.com/hmk/Website/Shopping/sh_eg_home.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0702681386.1094279119@@@@&BV_EngineID=hadcllcgffdibedcfchcgn.0]
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