Thank you, Amanda Q. Pants, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. We don’t like to think of Marco Rubio, who is running in the Republican primaries for a Senate seat in Florida, as a far right carpetbagger. We prefer to think of him as the anti-Crist.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Being A Dick No Longer Reserved For American Vice Presidents
Prime Minister Stephen Harper has decided not to attend the Copenhagen summit on climate change on his next foreign tour. When it comes to climate change, Canada is increasingly being seen as a country full of dicks.
About time.
It’s been decades since Canada was considered a country full of dicks by other nations. Mostly, we’ve been looked at as patsies for whatever our superpower overlords wanted. Send troops to Afghanistan? Sir, yes sir! Undermine our economy by gutting our manufacturing base to comply with international trade agreements? Where do we sign? Let American culture swamp Canadian culture? What Canadian culture?
I’m not saying all Canadians will enjoy the country’s newly earned dick status. But, it might just save Canadian jobs and lives. And, if the American south has to suffer endless droughts, well, that’s just the kind of sacrifice Canadian dicks are prepared to make.
SOURCE: Festerin’ Report
[http://www.ax2grindnet.com/festerinreport/web/feature2.html]
Thirsty Work, Movie Reviewing
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
starring Matt Czuchry and Jesse Hall
directed by Bob Gosse
Five minutes into the film, I realized that they don’t.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt2078380/]
Beyond Rogue – Going AWOL
Over 1,000 fans of Sarah Palin in Indiana waited in the rain for up to seven hours for her to show up for a signing for her book Going Rogue.
“I would like to apologize to my fans in Indiana,” Palin later wrote on her Web site, “but I couldn’t show up. If I had been rained upon, I would have melted.”
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.42.44/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
You Have To Learn How To Interpret Other People’s Inarticulate Screaming And Clean Up Their Shit – The Similarities Are Striking
“[T]here’s no better training ground for politics than motherhood.”
– Sarah Palin in Going Rogue
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
People Will Be Demanding Their Money Back Even If They Don’t Actually Go To See The Movies
27 bad ideas:
27. Lizard soccer.
26. Air-conditioned parkas.
25. Telling your mother what you really did with your boyfriend last night.
24. Cat tweets.
23. Using a vise to pluck your eyebrows.
22. Getting the great-grand-nephew of a long dead author to lend his name to a sequel to a much-beloved book. Who is Dacre Stoker, anyway?
21. Playing bridge with Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck.
20. Letting the autistic kid drive.
19. Not allowing journalists to ask any questions after you’ve made a speech lauding freedom of the press.
18. A remake of Dumb and Dumber in Smellovision.
17. Eating a bug because a girl double dog dared you to in the schoolyard at recess.
16. Claiming that tanking the world’s economy in order to make yourself super-rich is “doing god’s work.” It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people wonder if you are a conscienceless greedheaded douchebag than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
15. Underestimating Bob the Builder’s thirst for vengeance.
14. Telling your boss what you really think of his new marketing plan.
13. Letting the autistic kid drive…while talking on a cellphone.
12. Chocolate covered asparagus.
11. Authorizing your soldiers to give prisoners to a foreign nation’s army knowing full well that they will be tortured.
10. Claiming that you had no idea when you authorized your soldiers to give prisoners to a foreign nation’s army that they would be tortured. Oops. Our bad. Not.
9. Smearing the reputation of the whistleblower who made public the reality that you knew full well that the foreign government would torture the prisoners you authorized your soldiers to turn over to it.
8. Convincing yourself to have just one more beer, chocolate or Pomeranian.
7. Telling a cop where you would really like to see him put his badge.
6. A New Democratic Party/Conservative Party coalition.
5. Eating a snail because a girl double dog dared you to in the restaurant on your first date.
4. Telesquirreldonics.
3. Telling your Facebook friends about your encounters with your mother, your boss and the cop.
2. Randomly choosing the number of items on a list before properly evaluating the idea’s comic potential.
1. Michael Haneke, Catherine Breillat and Lars von Trier releasing films on the same weekend.
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2009/November/Bad_Ideas.asp]
A Rock Can Be Moved…But Only So Far…
Conrad Black’s prison diary:
Meeting with Bruno, Guido, Maxime and other inmates of my prison has been richly rewarding: I taught them how to read, they reminded me of the value of wealth, breeding, education and, most important, well maintained and regularly employed plumbing. In our interactions, I was struck by their – I would hesitate to call it shared humanity, so, let us say, almost humanness. And, I vowed that, should I ever be in a position to advance public policy again, I would urge more immediate tax cuts for the wealthy in the hope that they would trickle down even faster and help these unfortunate almost humans.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c78-bf9b-07b312cc48ec]
Hard To Swallow
How the Senate makes a cake:
STEP ONE: Start with a cake.
STEP TWO: Remove half the icing off the top to get the approval of the Senator from the great state of Connecticut.
STEP THREE: Remove the eggs to get the approval of the Senator from the great state of Montana.
STEP FOUR: Replace the milk with water to get the approval of the Senator from the great state of North Dakota.
STEP FIVE: Add marzipan, even if the people the cake is for don’t like marzipan, to get the approval of the Senator from the great state of Arkansas.
STEP SIX: Watch as the Senators from Connecticut, Montana, North Dakota and Arkansas refuse to eat any of the finished cake.
STEP SEVEN: Tell the American people that the cake will taste great and not add any inches to their waistlines.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=659&dir=bb]