Thank you, Alicia Alliterative, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about the model who was doing a photo shoot with a snake. She was licking its head when, oddly enough, it objected, biting her on the breast. Two days later, the snake died of silicon poisoning. Silicon poisoning! That’s animal cruelty, that is! So, we’ve decided to boycott Fashion Television – ooh, Fashion Television! – until the matter of animal cruelty in fashion photography is addressed. Well, new episodes, anyway. When they’re first aired on television. Look: we’re willing to make sacrifices for those poor animals who are at risk on photo shoots, but let’s not be crazy about it!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Chimes Of Free Dumb
At nine o’clock this morning, the chimes at Old City Hall rang to the sounds of a chicken squawking. Yesterday, it was a rocket propelled grenade blowing up a supposed rebel stronghold that was actually a health club, killing 17 civilians and wounding 34 others in a civil war that everybody has grown sick of but nobody can figure out how to end. The day before that, it was the fizzling of two antacids that have just been dropped into a glass of water. In fact, the bells of Old City Hall have not rung for the better part of a month and a half.
“Hmm…” said Mayor Fjord’s Chief of Staff Casey Oopes, “maybe replacing the chimes with a digital recording of bells to save money wasn’t such a great idea. The things one learns on the job…”
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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If You’re Lucky, You Could Win The Pacioretty Trophy For Undergoing Grievous Bodily Harm!
INT. OFFICE – DAY
An EMPLOYER is interviewing a potential EMPLOYEE.
EMPLOYER: Thank you for your interest in working for us. Let me explain the job in a little more detail. Depending upon your level of skill, we will pay you hundreds of thousands or possibly millions of dollars a year in basic salary. Employees who have been with us for four or more years will randomly have their heads viciously shoved into solid objects, causing them permanent physical injury and likely brain damage. The odds of having your head shoved into a solid object, causing permanent physical injury and likely brain damage, will increase for every year your are with us and the quality of your work. If you are a popular employee, when your head is shoved into a solid object, causing permanent physical injury and likely brain damage, there will be a public outcry, forcing the owners of the company to tsk among themselves about how terrible it is that employees get their heads shoved into solid objects, causing permanent physical injury and likely brain damage. However, the owners will take no action to stop the shoving, physical injury or brain damage. How does that sound?
EMPLOYEE: You said I could make millions of dollars?
EMPLOYER: If you’re good enough, yes.
EMPLOYEE: I’m in!
Employer reaches out and offers his hand to the Employee, who gratefully shakes it.
EMPLOYER: Great! Welcome to the National Hockey League!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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We Understand Your Confusion
Just Make Sure It Doesn’t Happen Again
WHAT YOU HEARD: People in the Arab world are not ready for democracy.
WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT MEANT: We’re concerned that bullies might take over democratically elected governments and try to beat us up for our lunch money.
WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANT: We’re worried democratically elected governments might not want to share their toys with us.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=723&dir=bb]
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And, You Thought Police Work Was Exciting Work!
In response to allegations that he maintained the policy of firing critics and stonewalling much needed reforms, RCMP Commissioner Bill Elliot told a Commons committee: “I
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SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2011/03/15/csiswhatcsis110315]
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Sure, I’ll Do The Same For Left Wing Pundits – As Soon As I Find Any Other Than Rick Salutin
Black, Conrad: believes he is a rhetorical master because he has memorized a dictionary and deploys obscure words in sentences long enough to be effective as a cure for insomnia.
Blatchford, Christie: believes she is a true pioneer in women’s rights because she opposes everything that would actually help women.
Frum, David: believes he is a maverick because he once offered mild criticism of the tactics of the right (even as he parroted its party line on just about every issue).
Levant, Ezra: believes he is a rhetorical master because his writing pisses off liberals.
Murphy, Rex: believes angry invective can make up for paucity of original thought.
Wente, Margaret: believes she is a true pioneer in human rights because she opposes everything that would actually help people.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/graham-pacifica1.html]
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If You Get Your Way, Rand, You Might Not Like What Some People Will Use THEIR Toilets To Dispose Of
LIKE YOU WILL BE CRUSHED BY THE WEIGHT OF THE CRAZY
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/118^.htm]
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Seizing The Day Is Out Of The Question
National Epileptics Week happens this Thursday. Somebody clearly hasn’t thought through the concept.
SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages
[http://www.utopia.tv/erewhon/index.html]
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What, Those? Don’t Read Too Much Into Anti-Liberal Attack Ads
Conservatives Run Them For Fun
Prime Minister Stephen Harper stated that reports that Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono had a hangnail should dissuade federal opposition parties from seeking a spring election. “We cannot afford to take our focus off the economy and get into a bunch of unnecessary political games in this time of international crisis,” the Prime Minister said.
“International crisis?” Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff responded. “The man has a hangnail. Having been to Indonesia, I know that they have nail clippers there. The Prime Minister’s insistence that he doesn’t want an election would be more credible if the Conservatives didn’t keep running ads attacking me!”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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