Thank you, Aldo Bolincontro, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we would like to apologize to readers who felt some of last week’s commentary on the 2012 Olympics was too glibly dismissive. We didn’t intend to be glibly dismissive. We intended to be AGGRESSIVELY DISMISSIVE. SERIOUSLY. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO FOUND THE CURE FOR THE BATTINGEN’S ANEMIA? (HINT: IT WASN’T BATTINGEN!) WHO DEVELOPED THE ELECTRICAL GRID YOU SO EAGERLY SUCK ENERGY FROM? WHO INVENTED THE TWIST-OFF TAMPON? NO LOOKING IT UP ON GOOGLE – THAT’S CHEATING! BUT WE’LL BET YOU KNOW THE PERSONAL HISTORIES OF EVERYBODY ON YOUR COUNTRY’S HIGH DIVING CROCHET TEAM, DON’T YOU?
With priorities like this, is it any wonder the world is going to hell?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Are You A Man Or A Mouse?
Because, Frankly, A Lot Of Research Funding Rests On Your Answer
Mice genetically engineered to suffer cleft palates were found to have difficulty getting a date on a Saturday night, mice bred into alcoholism for forty generations had an enhanced appreciation of the movie Coneheads, mice deprived of the H3R gene were found to be less likely than wild mice to go into advertising, mice deprived of the FoxCI gene were found to grow elephants in their corneas, male researchers were 37 per cent more likely to salivate while doing lab experiments on mice than female researchers, and pregnant female mice given heart attacks were less likely to eat the cheese given to them by male researchers than healthy female mice.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1187H3EC-2C165-20K5-ABA1582614B701011]
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Each Sentence Will Take Up At Least Five Minutes Of Screen Time
Peter Jackson has confirmed that The Hobbit will be a series of 27 movies, the last of which is scheduled to appear in the summer of 2064. Fans of Jackson’s adaptation of Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings rejoiced at the announcement; everybody else shook their heads in disbelief and went on with their lives.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0196257/]
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Mitt Romney Is A Uniter, Not A Dividerer!
Duuuuuuude! Yes, Jews are great at pinching pennies. Still, polite people don’t say that in public any more! Oh, and Palestinians not doing well economically? You have heard of the Occupation, haven’t you? Economic success is a lot harder when you don’t have control over your own land or resources, you know. Or, you would know if you didn’t live so much of your life in the CoC.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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There Is No Video Of Him, But There Are A Lot Of Still Photos – A Lot Of Still Photos – To Marker His Passing
French filmmaker Chris Marker has died at the age of 91. Fans of Le Jetee prefer to believe that he hasn’t died so much as gone back in time…
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Would It Help If They Wore Their Parachutes During The Celebration?
City governments across Russia drained the water from municipal fountains in hopes of keeping drunken paratroopers from falling into them and drowning during Paratroopers Day celebrations. This is utter insanity.
This just means that drunken paratroopers will fall into the fountains and die when they crack their skulls open!
SOURCE: Beeb Radio On the Web
[http://www.beeb.co.uk/mediaselector/check/worldservice/meta/tx/summary5min?size=au&bgc=003399&lang=en-ws&nbram=1&nbwm=1]
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They Sure Know How To Get To The Meat Of The Matter
2am. Fox. Rick and Huck Talk Food! Politicians Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee exercise their taste buds in this cooking review show. THIS EPISODE: Rick and Huck give an enthusiastic thumbs up to Chick-fil-A, which serves reheated meat with your choice of mysterious sauces and a side order of religion-driven homophobia, and an equally enthusiastic thumbs down to Disneyland, which serves reheated meat with your choice of mysterious sauces and a side order of celebration of sexual difference.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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It’s Hard To See The (Tourist) Attraction
Toronto’s Hippo Bus is no longer giving amphibious tours of the city. Some are blaming it on the decision by somebody at Ontario Place (not John Tory) to not allow the bus to use a ramp that gives it access to Lake Ontario, a highlight of the tour. Others think that because Hippo Buses are not indigenous to the region, it should have never been brought to the city in the first place.
Float like a hippopotamus, sting like a…hippopotamus out of commission.
Although the city has been looking for places that would better suit the Hippo Bus (such as Caracas, Venezuela, or Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania), so far there have been no takers. It was, at one point, scheduled to go to a tourist attraction reserve in California, but that fell through when animal mascot rights groups protested that it wouldn’t get the diesel fuel it needed to live a healthy life.
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/life/advice/making-the-streets-safe-for-errant-waterfowl]
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So, You Mean To Tell Me That TS Ernesto Will Not Be Fabulous?
TUDOR: After wreaking havoc in other Caribbean nations, TS Ernesto is headed for Jamaica. We go now to Day to Day Show correspondent Asif Manhandle on the scene.
MANHANDLE: Thank you, Jon. Yes, there will be a gay old time in Kingston as TS Ernesto touches down for…
TUDOR: Excuse me, Asif. Sorry to interrupt, but, a gay old time? Shouldn’t Jamaicans be preparing for heavy damage?
MANHANDLE: Only to their constricted understanding of gender roles, Jon.
TUDOR: But, TS Ernesto has caused millions of dollars in property damage everywhere it has gone.
MANHANDLE: That’s laying it on a bit thick, don’t you think? After all, TS Ernesto is just one man.
TUDOR: TS Ernesto is not a man – it’s a force of nature!
MANHANDLE: Alright – a powerful man, then. Still…
TUDOR: Asif, what do you think TS Ernesto is?
MANHANDLE: A man who is unashamed of the fact that he is in the middle of gender reassignment surger –
TUDOR: That’s not what it is!
MANHANDLE: Oh, you can close your eyes to the reality of people like TS Ernesto if you want, Jon. But, they’re out there. They’re out there, and they deserve our respec –
TUDOR: No, Asif. TS Ernesto is a tornado. TS stands for tropical storm.
MANHANDLE: Tropical storm? Really?
TUDOR: Really. What did you think TS stood for?
MANHANDLE: Aah, not tropical storm, I can assure you of that! I…better get to a storm shelter, then, hadn’t I?
TUDOR: Asif Manhandle, ladies and gentlemen. We’ll be right –
MANHANDLE: I guess you won’t be interested in my follow-up on TS Ernestine, then?
TUDOR: We’ll be right back.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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