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I Thought “No Rational Facts Or Information Whatsoever” Was His Middle Name
Talking about the European Union’s proposed ban on seal products, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper stated: “It is a disgrace that [Canadian sealers are] treated this way in some countries based on no rational facts or information whatsoever.”
Tanned and rested from its time away (thank you, Hypocrisy Leader Board, for doing a bang-up job while it was gone), the Absurd Ironyometer wonders if maybe it ended its vacation a week too soon.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Truth (In Advertising) Hurts
We won’t make you smarter. We can’t help you make your older brother treat you better. Our product won’t make other people want to spontaneously give you things. Our product won’t make democracy work better. Our product won’t make everybody in the world love their neighbours.
We can’t help you break into the group of popular kids at school. If you use our product, you won’t spontaneously break into song. We won’t be able to help you break any world records. Our product probably won’t help you break any hearts. If you use our product to break windows, you probably aren’t using it correctly.
We’re Holyoakes. We make cellphones. If you want to talk or text with somebody, we can help you do that. If you want to feed your inner insecurities by associating their solutions with an object you have to purchase, buy somebody else’s cellphone.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1572952804]
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This Loose Cannon Comes With A Self-silencer
“To imagine that there are people who refuse to accept an apology because they have an agenda and would like me silenced – I’m done with that.”
– Laura “Dr. Laura” Schlessinger, defending her free speech rights by voluntarily ending her radio show
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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When It Comes To Investing Your Hard Earned Dollars, Don’t Be Rashomon
“We made it! We made it! We weathered the worst of the economic downturn! Go out and invest in housing or a small Internet start-up!”
– Evan Kowalskichuk, Investing Daily and Fishwarp
“We have reason to be optimistic; things do seem to be getting better. Invest in new technologies and the energy industry.”
– Blurk Braverman, Newsweep Magazine
“Things do seem to be getting better, but we have reason to be pessimistic. Invest in government bonds and solid Dow stocks.”
– Dan Franahan, The Motley Cruel
“We are about to hit a deflationary period that will make the Great Depression look like a case of minor sadness. Invest in guns and canned foods.
– Coriander McLoon, Money Mime
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd9-f6f3-4f3f-9f65-a2eb4cc6a128]
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We Know You Hate Being A Target, But How Can We Miss You If…
Palin Watch Update: We get it! Sarah had to ditch the pitbull with lipstick reference because pitbulls have been known to kill small children. Putting lipstick on them might make them more sympathetic in the court of public opinion, but it would not change this simple fact.
However, mama grizzlies, her latest animal avatar, have also been known to kill humans. Of course, they usually only kill adults, and anyway, they do it to protect their cubs, so they have an advantage over pitbulls, who kill just because they want to watch things die. Mama grizzlies are much friendlier predators.
This woman would be great in Afghanistan. What do you think the odds are that we can convince her to go?
SOURCE: Palin Watch: Keepin’ An Eye on Sarah So’s You Don’t Hafta
[http:wildaboutwasilla.urg/pg=10&chap=2551/]
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The Sharp End Of The Blunt Policy
INT. PRIME MINISTER’S OFFICE – DAY
PRIME MINISTER HARPER is sitting behind his desk. On the wall opposite is a dart board with pictures of various news anchors and journalists. He is aiming a dart at the board. SOUND: buzzer. The dart drops impotently to the floor in front of the desk.
SECRETARY: (over intercom) Prime Minister, Pat Stogran is here.
HARPER: Who?
SECRETARY: (over intercom) Veterans Affairs Ombudsman?
HARPER: Right. Send him in. Send him in.
PAT STOGRAN enters and, carefully stepping over the dart, walks up to the Prime Minister’s desk.
STOGRAN: You wanted to see me, Prime Minister?
HARPER: Yes, Pat. I wanted to tell you what a fantastic job we think you’re doing. You have been the best advocate for their interests veterans could possibly have.
STOGRAN: (moans) You’re firing me, aren’t you?
HARPER: Yes. Expect the official termination notice in your next pay package.
STOGRAN: You’re firing me for doing my job?
HARPER: For doing such an amazing job. I’ll be honest, if you weren’t so good – so very, very good – at what you do, you wouldn’t have been noticed, and you would probably still be employed. There’s a lesson there for all of us.
STOGRAN: You have to be mediocre to succeed in this government?
HARPER: (nodding) I would have used the term ‘intellectually unambitious,’ but you get the idea.
STOGRAN: (mumbles) If that’s the way Ottawa works, you’re going to be here for decades!
HARPER: (dark) Don’t let my dart hit your ass on the way out.
Harper picks up another dart and waggles it at Stogran. He scurries out of the office.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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And Mitch McConnell, And Their Little Dog Toto, Too
Barack Obama is a Pastafarian who is wasting billions of dollars that the country doesn’t have on serving pasta at White House rituals where he worships the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He says he’s a Christian, but, if he is, why does he eat pasta six days a week? That’s an awful lot for an ordinary person. If he doesn’t eat pasta that often, as he claims, why doesn’t he release White House dinner menus to the public? Pastafarianism is not a religion, it’s a political movement bent on world domination, and our President, sworn to uphold the Constitution, clearly believes in it!
But, uhh, you didn’t hear that from John Boehner, okay? What he might have said, hinted or winked at last week is old news and now he says he cannot understand why anybody would link such rumours to him because he now insists that he knows they’re not true.
SOURCE: Red State Blues
[http://www.redstateblues.com/diaries/martha_in_miss/2010/Aug/21/when-implausible-deniability-is-the-only-deniability-you’ve-got/]
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