Thank you, Aesop Schvartzman, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we went to the Rogers Centre to see the Rogers Blue Jays play a game against the TwitterX Yankees. We drove to the stadium, so we had to park at a Rogers P lot. While we were at the game, we had a Rogers hot dog and Rogers cola (we were thinking of getting a Rogers beer, but we decided we didn’t want to get tipsy because we didn’t want the Rogerscam to catch us throwing up on the family sitting in front of us). We had to buy a Rogers Blue Jays t-shirt because otherwise how would we be able to prove that we had been there? Sure, the outing was hella expensive, but we can afford it…as long as we don’t live past next Tuesday.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Kumbaya Only Takes You So Fa
A pair of enemies are urged to settle their differences in a bar.
“I know that you and I have a lot of differences,” one of the men says, “but, deep down, we’re really all just people trying to live meaningful lives. So, what do you say we put aside our differences and talk to each other – really talk to each other – so that we can find what we have in common?”
The other man punches him in the face.
“Oww. Good one,” the first man responds, rubbing his nose. “I wouldn’t have thought somebody as skinny as you are could hit so hard. I hope you got that out of your system, because if we could now engage in a meaningful dialogue, I think you would see that there is no need for us to fight, that we have so much in common that it would be foolish of either of us to see the other one as an enemy. I’m happy to sta -“
The other man punches him in the face.
“Wow!” the first man exclaims as he pinches his nose, then looks at his hand. “You really pack a punch! You wouldn’t happen to have a handkerchief on you, would you? One thing I think we can both agree on is that I shouldn’t bleed all over your leather jacket. No? Okay, well, uhh, I’ll just stand back here so that I bleed all over the floor. You see? Accommodation to facilitate dialogue takes just a little compromise on both sides. Wouldn’t you like to contribute something to the process of our mutual understanding?”
The other man punches him in the face.
“Ogay,” the first man allows. “I see dis is nod a good dime for a dalk. Whenever you’re ready, you just led me know, ogay? In da meandime, I’m going da loog for a dowel…”
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Good To See National Days Of Celebration Haven’t Got COMPLETELY Out Of Control
11 subjects that were rejected as national days of celebration
11. National Hit Yourself in the Head With a Hammer Day
10. National Climate Change Celebration Day
9. National Skynet Appreciation Day
8. National Day Of Lies And Alienation
7. National Hit a Friend in the Head With a Hammer Day
6. National Ego Dissolution Day
5. National Put Yer Yayas Back In! Day
4. National Share a Chapstick With a Stranger Day
3. Nation Day Of Pretending To Care About the Earth
2. National [FILL IN THE BLANK] Day
1. National Play Foosball With a Fascist Day
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2024/September/National_Bite_Your_Tongue_Day_Made_The_Finals.asp]
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If The Answer Isn’t Obvious…
Are you familiar with the concept of sanewashing? That is what happens when you take the insane rantings of a lunatic and write about them as if they’re the wise musings of an elder statesman. You may be sanewashing Donald Trump and not even know it. To determine if you are a sanewasher, consider the following question:
1. Donald Trump states: “If I…you know…I mean, Kamala Harris – Commie Kamala, as I call her – hee hee – I’m so clever – she has no policits – no policrats – it’s not my policy, it’s her policy – to put tariffs on…trucks. Tow trucks. Fire trucks. Dump trucks. You name them. And you know, not just the real thing, either. Remember the little metal trucks we used to play with when we were kids? Neither do I. I wasn’t that kind of a kid. Not allowed. So unfair! They were prosecuting Trump before Trump even was Trump! EVIL JACK SMITH continues this tradition of attacking Trump AND LETTING THE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY GET AWAY with crimes that would make Hannibal Lecter sick to his stomach! That’s right. Worse than the pile of bird corpses at the foot of a wind turbine! That’s what’s wrong with the world: everything! But I’ll fix it so that decent young Americans can play with tow trucks without worrying about the Deep State, DEI no goodniks coming after them!” How would you portray this in your article about the speech?
a) Old man with cognitive issues rambles pointlessly, combining projection with blatant lies
b) Former President Donald Trump says Kamala Harris to put tariffs on everything!
SOURCE: Wryerson X University Corporate Named University Journalism Review
[http://www.cnu.ca/cnurj/online/salamagundi-heretic1.html]
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He Risks A Nasty Editorial In The Podunk Mash And Enquirer
Or, Worse, A Tongue Lashing From Mehdi Hasan On…Whatever Platform He Currently Tongue Lashes On
“‘New phase’ fraught with risk for Israel
Netanyahu walks tightrope in escalating conflict with Hezbollah”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1552705598]
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Sadly, The Power Of Bum Buddies Has Limits
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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Trump Endorsed Caskets Are Versatile: They Could Be Used To Bury Donald Trump’s Political Career Or American Democracy
9pm
The Trump Shopping Network
Jewelry Hour
Donald Trump introduces a new gold watch that is produced for $99 that he will be selling for the low, low price of $1,099. The watch in the promotional video is encrusted with jewels, although, if you read the fine print, you’ll notice that it says that the watch you get may not be the watch that appears on screen. Who cares? We all need to tell time, right? Trump will get bored of the watch after a couple of minutes and start hawking Trump endorsed silver coins, Trump endorsed gold sneakers, Trump endorsed NFTs, Trump perfume, Trump endorsed caskets, the latest deck of Trump trading car – wait, did he say Trump caskets? He hasn’t endorsed a line of caskets…has he? Stay tuned!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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