Thank you, Adnan Adelaide, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we spent Family Day playing Star Blap: Deranged New Worlds on Steam, Punk! We justified this by pointing out that it is a member of the Star Blap family of games, going back to The Kobe Yoshi Marilu Incident for the Atari 900, most of the cartridges of which are believed to be in a landfill outside of Vulcan (only Alberta – sorry for the disappointment). Don’t judge us: there are more members of our immediate Star Blap family than there are members of your immediate flesh and blood family!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
News At Eleven…AM
Or Two Thirty-Seven PM
Or Whenever I Feel The Need To Take A Shower, Which Happens A Lot These Days
NEWS ANCHOR: Our top story tonight: Bell Media announces it will be laying off 4,800 employees, crippling its local news-gathering capabilities, even after vowing to support local news in exchange for being given lower licensing fees that amounted to a $40 million gift last year. To add insult to inj –
MABEL: (off, shouting) Honey, are you giving the news to the bathroom mirror again?
NEWS ANCHOR: – ury, the corporation increased its dividends to share – (shouting) What? No! I’m not giving the – humph! I…I’m brushing my teeth!
MABEL: Because, you were fired three weeks ago.
NEWS ANCHOR: I know that! (quickly, under his breath) And there was nobody there to report on the loss. From his bathroom, this is Joe Anchor for…himself…
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Am I Suspended In Rafah?
Israeli officials say that they are “absolutely, thoroughly, definitively, without a doubt, no take backsies planning to attack Rafah, the last more or less intact area of Gaza. In response, world leaders have urged Israel to minimize civilian casualties. “They need to have a credible plan to protect civilians,” US President Joe Biden stated. “They don’t actually have to implement it, but, as long as they have it…you know…”
“They’re cute when they think they have any power over me,” remarked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “When the messiah comes again, I expect the legend of what happened will include a long description of that hopeful look on their faces…”
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1098951594925]
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The Victory Lap Around The City Involving 100 Uniformed Officers, 25 Cruisers, Eight Mounted Police And The Drone Van May Have Been A Bit Excessive
A public relations campaign by the Toronto Police Association to convince City Council to increase spending on the force in its 2024 budget seems to have borne fruit: an additional $12.6 million appeared for the cops moments before the vote.
But was it a victory? The campaign, which included cards mailed to residents, radio advertisements and frequent social media posts, cost the TPA $12.59 million. So, the police netted about $10,000, roughly one ninth the annual salary of a single officer.
“When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound so impressive,” Police Chief Myron Demkiw stated. “Still, it’s the principle that counts…”
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2024/02/17/509727.html]
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And Our Egos Aren’t As Resilient As Our Fingers Used To Be
Last week, in response to a mass shooting at a Super Bowl victory party in Kansas City that left one dead and over 20 wounded, I quipped, “Imagine how bad it would have been if the Chiefs had lost!”
In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have done that.
In my defence, my attempt at humour was what is commonly referred to on the internet as a “hot take.” When I was growing up, a hot take was grabbing a cookie off the baking pan my mother had left on the windowsill to cool. Well, okay, maybe when my grandfather was growing up, but the genetic memory is strong.
Now, a hot take is an instant response to something that has just been reported in the media. It has been well established that hot takes are often ill-considered, widely offensive and not all that amusing. But the internet makes it so damn easy!
In either case, the lesson is clear: if you engage in a hot take, you can get burned.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#50230103605]
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WHERE’S CANADA’S APOLOGY‽
“If Canada someday ever attacked Buffalo, I’m sorry, my friends, there would be no Canada the next day. That is a natural reaction. You have a right to defend yourself and to make sure that it never happens again. And that is Israel’s right.”
– New York Governor Kathy Hochul in a speech on Thursday at an event for the United Jewish Appeal-Federation of New York
“While I have been clear in my support of Israel’s right to self-defence, I have also repeatedly said and continue to believe that Palestinian civilian casualties should be avoided and that more humanitarian aid must go to the people of Gaza.”
– New York Governor Kathy Hochul the next day after realizing that supporting war crimes is not a good look for a Democratic politician
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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You Have To Sell A Hell Of A Lot Of “Freedom Sneakers” To Make Up $355 Million!
As punishment for engaging in financial fraud, New York judge Arthur Engoron has ruled that Donald Trump cannot do business in the state for three years, and his children, Eric, Don Jr., and Rudolph, cannot do business for two years. In response, the former president remarked, “What a total travesty of justice! The totalest! The travestiest! If they can do this to me, they can do this to you!”
Garamonde de la Vithix, a short haul (three blocks in city traffic, five in country driving) trucker and Trump supporter said, “Yeah. Not being able to buy and sell real estate in New York would be just about the worst thing that could happen to me!”
Soon after, de la Vithix wiped the top of his head with his hand and looked up. “Did a flying pig just poop on my head?” he demanded. “I felt something – was it flying pig poop?”
SOURCE: The Legal Unintelligibler
[https://www.law.com/thelegalUnintelligibler/2024/02/16/355-million-what-was-judge-engor-on/]
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Alexei, No Evil
Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny has died at the age of 47 in the Arctic penal colony where he was serving a 19 year term for saying mean things about President Vladimir Putin. The cause of death is currently being investigated, but a fall down eight flights of stairs in the three story tall prison building has not been ruled out.
And I thought, He was still alive? No, seriously: he was still drawing breath? Vladimir Putin must be losing his touch – twenty years ago, Navalny would have been dead five minutes after returning to Russia!
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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