Thank you, Abstemious Pfefferling (in absentia), for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we wanted to bring the funny, really, we did, but the funny had left the building and was heading out for parts unknown. We blame Trump. So, instead, we hope you will savour this tone poem:
The wind in the filing cabinet of your mind silently screams a name and three digits of a phone number
While honourary sheep account for
Losses on the NASDAQ
In the ledgers of time gerbils.
PUNCTUATION!
Hunh. More like a tone deaf poem. Yep. Definitely gonna leave that to the professionals from now on!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
“There Is No Joy In Mudville
The Mighty Casey Has Been Shot Three Times In The Chest” Just Isn’t The Same
A baseball game between the San Diego Padres and the Washington Nationals was suspended in the sixth inning after there was a shooting outside Nationals Park. I don’t see why the game was interrupted, much less stopped. After all, the gunman was just combining America’s two favourite pastimes.
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/opening-monologue-07-19-21]
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It’s Pronounced “Ow-thows,” But We Don’t Expect Any Better From The Lamestream Media
Tory leader Erin O’Toole has chosen longtime social conservative operative Steve Outhouse for a senior role in his office.
We hope this is not indicative of the kind of campaign O’Toole plans to run in the next election, but not all that much. No use wasting hope on what is likely to be a lost cause.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=612212]
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He’s From The School Of Hard Knoxville
The fourth and final instalment of the Jackass franchise will be released in October. Star Johnny Knoxville has said that it will be “more mature” than the previous movies.
“I got kids,” he explained. “I got a mortgage. I pay my taxes and go to PTA meetings. I can’t do the crazy shit I did when I was younger. So, now, when I light my balls on fire, there will be a fire extinguisher on the set. And, if I’m lucky, somebody who knows how to use it.”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2021/2021/07/22/hesgotballsbutforhowlong/]
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Especially If The Accused Is A Cop!
T-MINUS 0: The Ontario Court of Appeal rules that systemic anti-black racism can and should be a sentencing factor considered by judges, even if the accused is a cop.
T-PLUS .000034 SECONDS: The Toronto Police Union thinks: You can’t!
T-PLUS .000127 SECONDS: The Toronto Police Union thinks: You mustn’t!
T-PLUS .000696 SECONDS: The Toronto Police Union thinks: We need time!
T-PLUS .0074 SECONDS: The Toronto Police Union thinks: We need more time! Lots of it! Lots and lots of time!
T-PLUS .0986 SECONDS: The Toronto Police Union thinks: Oh, shit!
T-PLUS 36 HOURS: The Toronto Police Union announces that it will review its policies and practices regarding minority policing.
T-PLUS 3 YEARS, SIX MONTHS, THREE DAYS: Still reviewing…
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=1012&dir=bb]
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Is It Possible To Overdo Do Overs?
The European Union’s refusal to stick electric eels down the pants of delegates to renegotiate the part of the Brexit deal about Northern Ireland has put the bloc on a new collision course with Boris Johnson’s UK government.
“We’ve all had electric eels down our trousers at some point in our lives,” Prime Minister Johnson stated. “It really focuses the mind. And, right now, the minds of European Union negotiators need to be as focused as – what do you call those thingies? You know, the ones that cohere light? Well, they need to be as focused as…as…as one of those light cohering thingies!”
One EU representative, who asked not to be named because she didn’t want her family to know that this is what she did for a living, said, “The UK knew that electric eels were not on the table before the Brexit vote. They knew that electric eels were not on the table during the Brexit vote. They have been repeatedly told that electric eels are not on the table since the Brexit vote. This must be some kind of deep negotiating tactic – the alternative is too horrible to contemplate!”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.news.semaphore.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/
e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=56380]
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I’m Not Saying Live Music Is Pestilence’s Best Friend, But They Do Drink At The Same Bar A Lot
Eric Clapton has announced that he reserves the right to cancel any concert “where there is a discriminated audience present.” He was not referring to an audience of discerning music lovers; he was referring to an audience indifferent to the suffering and death of others, as long as there was a beat they could dance to.
Clapton was originally planning on doing a 120 stop tour of the United States starting in September. Given his new policy, that tour is now down to three cities in Texas, Georgia and Florida, two in Louisiana and one in Tennessee.
If he wasn’t already richer than Gord, one could almost feel sorry for him.
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=7/23/2021.htm#1]
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I Would Not Want Jim Jordan To Be A Member Of Any Commission That Would Have Him
INT. CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE – DAY
House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, Jim Jordan and Jim Banks, all wearing short pants, striped shirts and beanies, sit in high chairs. McCarthy shakes tiny balled fists.
KEVIN McCARTHY: Nancy Pelosi is a big meanie!
JIM JORDAN: Meanie meanie got a little weenie!
McCarthy looks at him.
JORDAN: What?
JIM BANKS: She wouldn’t let me be on her poopie 1/6 commission!
JORDAN: Me, either!
McCARTHY: That’s why she’s such a meanie! Would you pay attention, guys, please?
PAUSE
BANKS: What are we gonna do?
JORDAN: Ooh, let’s dip her pigtails into an inkwell!
McCARTHY: She doesn’t have pigtails and nobody uses inkwells any more.
BANKS: Ooh, I wanna be the one who dips her pigtails into an inkwell! Me! Me! Me! M –
McCARTHY: (shouting) Nancy Pelosi doesn’t have pigtails and nobody uses inkwells any more!
BANKS: (pouting) Way to kill a guy’s dream.
JORDAN: (belligerent) So, what do you think we should do?
McCARTHY: First, I’m gonna tell Rodney, Kelly and Troy that if they sit on the commission, they’ll be kicked out of our club.
JORDAN: What good will that do?
McCARTHY: You can’t have a bipartisan commission if the bi aren’t a part of it.
BANKS: (suspicious) What was that about…bis?
McCARTHY: (ignoring him) I know – I’ll start my own commission. And, it will have all my friends, and we’ll find out what really happened on 1/6, and –
BANKS: Ooh, and I’ll dip Liz Cheney’s pigtails into an inkwell!
McCARTHY: Jim, you really need to learn how to focus!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227712]
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