Six subjects that have been relegated to the Humour Hall of Fame
1) lightbulb jokes
2) “No soap, radio!” jokes
3) jokes about uses for a dead cat
4) jokes about Joe Clark’s ears (they’ve been replaced by jokes about Brian Mulroney’s chin)
5) “What do you call a drowning…?” jokes
6) jokes about polar bears on ice floes
Twenty answers
1) yes
2) August 12, 1954
3) the Five O’clock Shadow knows
4) whatever it wants!
5) “King Kong” Bundy
6) maybe, but it’s pretty lame if it is
7) because, if they’ll lend $2.6 million to the wife of a Cabinet Minister, they’ll lend money to just about anybody
8) anything Kerrie Keane is in
9) angora, not sheepskin
10) definitely the hypotenuse of the square, man
11) embossing greeting cards for 10 to 20 at Hallmark Pen
12) complete and utter boredom (but, don’t let on)
13) if I had known there was going to be a party, I’d have bought a cake
14) Eldorado, Camelot, Shangri La and, now, Renfrew
15) his plaid period
16) “Your aces with us”
17) nobody in their right mind would willingly be President of the Teamsters Union
18) an all-Canadian Stanley Cup Final (YEAH!)
19) it’s not the meat, it’s the emotion
20) no
Six spurious standards of measurement
1) two car garages per neighbourhood
2) pounds per square Melvin
3) parts per three
4) miles per millenium
5) gossip seconds per hour
6) tape hours per teenager per week squared
Seven things I can’t bring myself to comment upon, although I know I probably should
1) the phenomenal success of The Cosby Show
2) Phil Donahue’s pugilistic prowess in airports
3) leather underwear
4) Daniel Hechter’s latest tacky radio advertisements
5) where I was September 23, 1980, and what I did there
6) the 35% tariff on Canadian lumber recently put into effect by the American government (even though it was quite a slap in the face, coming, as it did, at the beginning of free trade negotiations between – oops. Sorry. Forget this last bit…)
7) Alan Alda’s truly unbelievable sincerity
Eight New Year’s resolutions you aren’t likely to keep next year, either
1) to stop putting Cool Whip on the cat
2) to stop laughing at tasteless jokes in National Lampoon
3) to not tear up Montreal if your favourite team wins the Stanley Cup
4) to turn off all the lights before you go to sleep
5) to not read the newspaper on a full stomach or acid
6) to be nicer to Uncle Sylvester
7) to stop dwelling on the success of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
8) to stop making New Year’s resolutions you can’t keep
Five classic closing lines from films as they might have been if they had been written by Woody Allen
1) “Frankly, my dear, I don’t really, uhh, care all that much…”
2) “This could be the start of a beautiful friendship, but who knows?”
3) “There’s no place like home, especially if it’s New York.”
4) “The, err, stuff post-Freudian existential nightmares are made of.”
5) “STELLA! Oops. Pardon me. I’ll try to keep it down…yes. I’m very sorry. Stella…”
Eight government Ministries you don’t want to mess with
1) the Ministry of Frenzied Inactivity
2) the Ministry of Doorknob Appreciation
3) the Ministry of Covering Up and Making Excuses for Errant Members of the Governing Party
4) the Ministry of Keeping Trivial Matters Before the Senate
5) the Ministry of Put-down Supply and Services
6) the Ministry of Mending Broken Hearts
7) the Ministry of Eventually Disowning and Dumping Errant Members of the Governing Party
8) the Ministry of Arnold
Seven things that can go wrong with a list
1) obvious speling errrors
2) defective humour (not returnable after 60 days)
3) references to Bert Parks, Morgan Fairchild or the Culture Club
4) not enough hours in the day
5) ink that rubs off on your fingers
6) not having enough items to complete the list
Twelve songs Anne Murray, Olivia Newton John and/or the Culture Club will never in a million years cover (although it is fun to imagine them trying)
1) “Soft Parade” by The Doors
2) “Knife Edge” by Emerson, Lake and Palmer
3) “Twenty-first Century Schizoid Man” by King Crimson
4) “Devil’s Food” by Alice Cooper
5) “Hot for Teacher” by Van Halen
6) “Sympathy for the Devil” by The Rolling Stones
7) “God Save the Queen” by The Sex Pistols
8) “Revolution 9” by The Beatles
9) “Supper’s Ready” by Genesis
10) “Flesh for Fantasy” by Billy Idol
11) “Siberian Khatru” by Yes
12) “Crimes of Passion” by Rough Trade
Seven acronyms that don’t actually stand for anything
1) MUDD
2) APDDR & S
3) NRG-XTC-PDQ
4) TOBRNOTTOB
5) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM & M
6) IWANNA
7) AFL/CIO/MOUSE