Two Prime Ministers who were born blond, whose hair darkened before they were elected and who practically bald when they died
1) Wilfrid Laurier
2) Louis St. Laurent
Eight opening lines that should earn one a slow and painful death, but will probably just get an embarrassed laugh, a pathetic stare and/or a slap in the face as a response
1) “Hi. What’s your sign?”
2) “Hi. Come here often?”
3) “Hi. Me Chuck, You…?
4) “Hey – haven’t I seen you some place before?”
5) “Hi. What would you think of somebody who owned 14 different Toyota Corollas?”
6) “Hi. Wanna dance, or are you just here to check out the guys?
7) “Hi. So…read any good books lately?”
8) “Hi. Has anybody ever told you that you have the looks of a young Margaret Hamilton?”
Ten days that didn’t shake the world
1) February 23, 921
2) May 10, 87 BC
3) September 3, 1953
4) February 18, 921
5) March 22, 1312
6) November 5, 1874
7) April 23, 337 BC
8) January 4, 113 BC
9) February 28, 921
10) July 8, 1960
Eighteen fun things to do with paper clips
1) open them up and pretend to fence with a friend (NOTE: the Ministry of Potentially Dangerous Hobbies is considering issuing every paper clip with a warning against just this kind of usage)
2) use an elastic band to shoot them at somebody who bugs you
3) start a fashion sensation by putting one through your ear and telling everybody you know that it’s an earring
4) put 1,000 in a box, shake it real good and challenge your friends to take apart the resulting chain in 12 “moves” or less
5) bend them into letters and spell something obscene
6) sell them to the Pentagon for $347 apiece
7) use them as skates for a flea circus ice show
8) unbend one, bronze it and tell your friends that Rick Moranis personally straightened it out for you
9) use them as spikes in your scale model D&D torture chamber
10) make granny glasses for earthworms
11) use them to solder the keys on your boss’ computer keyboard together
12) tell somebody really gullible that they’re what’s left of a spoon after Yuri Geller had a nervous breakdown
13) throw some on a lump of drying plaster, flick paint at it and call it Art
14) see how many it takes to make a chain around the world
15) see how many it takes to make a chain around Sylvester Stallone’s chest
16) melt a bunch down and use them as a shotput or paperweight
17) make braces for your hamsters
18) give them as gifts to people you really despise
Seven Late Night with David Letterman conventions that have gone on for far too long
1) throwing objects through the “window” behind his desk
2) the stupid pet tricks segment
3) any segment with Larry “Bud” Melman, especially remotes
4) the phrase: “And we all know how painful that can be.”
5) talking to Paul Shaffer
6) the “……………….” Guy segment
7) the dropping things off a tall tower segment
Eight replies to opening lines that should earn one a slow and painful death, but will probably just get an embarrassed laugh, a pathetic stare and/or a slap in the face as a response
1) “Damaged merchandise.”
2) “No, only after my house had burned to the ground…”
3) “Sick.”
4) “Yes, but I haven’t been there since – just my bad luck to meet you here, I guess.”
5) “I’d probably think he was brain damaged.”
6) “No, actually. I came here to check out the women. Now, if you don’t mind…”
7) “Darkness at Noon. Ever read it? Ever heard of it?”
8) Why, no. Thank you. Has anybody ever told you that you have the brains of Pee-wee Herman?”
Eight ideas whose time may never come
1) velcro scuba gear
2) seal hunting as an Olympic event
3) a computer programme that can calculate the polar bear population of the Arctic
4) Touch of Diesel air freshener
5) kitty couches for animal psychiatrists
6) Pierre Trudeau commemorative toothpaste dispensers
7) hang-gliding celebrity press conferences
8) plaid Rorschach test ink blots
Six things that most concern young people these days
1) nuclear war
2) future unemployment
3) not being able to rent a tux for the junior prom
4) passing the test on Monday
5) keeping refrigerator magnets away from small children
6) how many existentialists it takes to screw in a light bulb
Seven car names Ford and General Motors will never use
1) The Sniveling Wimp
2) The Bloated Aardvark
3) Shrooms in Butter
4) The Aeschylus
5) The Heavily Federally Subsidized
6) Twelve Tons of Rolling Death
7) The Life Without Man
Twelve things you could be doing right now instead of reading this
1) analyzing the latest issue of Mad Magazine for Shakespearean references
2) selling arms to a small third world nation
3) watching Merv try to sing (again!)
4) stopping and smelling the roses
5) figuring out where gas prices are going to end up
6) wondering if there’s life on other planets (and deciding that there isn’t)
7) shouting at the people upstairs to please turn down the bloody Perry Como
8) committing yourself to a life of fighting crime because of the special powers with which you were born
9) washing your hair
10) putting money on which mini-series will win the next Sweeps Week
11) making a fool of yourself in front of complete strangers
12) choosing wallpaper for the little one’s room