“Darrin!”
“Josh!”
“How’s it hanging?”
“Low fruit, my man. It’s all low fruit.”
“Good. …Umm…good?”
“The best! And, you?”
“Hanging like a criminal, my brother. Hanging like a criminal!”
“Oh! Uhh…are you…sure that’s the phrase you want to go with, Josh?”
“It’s on today’s list of Hip, Happening Catchphrases – I just got the email from my Street Idiom Coach five minutes ago, so I know it’s glistening fresh.”
“You ever get the impression your Street Idiom Coach is, you know, phoning it in?”
“You mean…gimme a sec to look it u – ah, here we go: doobing the Zeitgeist?”
“No, I meant phoning it in. Still, you go with that if you think it would be best.”
“Thanks, man. If you can’t trust your Street Idiom Coach, it’s a pretty sad kettle of fettuccini!”
“Soooo…Josh. You called because…?”
“Right. My studio just bought the rights to a book we’re hot on turning into a trilogy of films. I was wondering if you might be able to make any suggestions that would help us find the right writer.”
“Writer?”
“Correct.”
“Screenwriter?”
“That’s what I said.”
“Person to write a screenplay?”
“Preferably somebody whose dialogue doesn’t repeat itself. That trope gets tired really fast.”
“Josh, bro, BRO! Three quarters of the zombies with cameras on Sunset Boulevard have scripts in the bottom drawer of their home offices in Buttefuque, Montana that they’d love a studio executive to take a look at! Just go down there and throw a rock. And -“
“Throw it hard. Yeah, yeah, I know. Writers Guild is always bitching about how much the Coen brothers have to answer for! It’s not that easy, though.”
“No? What could be easier than throwing a rock and seeing whose forehead gets smeared with blood?”
“The writer I’m looking for needs a…specific skill set.”
“Un hunh. And, what would that be?”
“He needs to be able to…fill out thin material.”
“To pad the script, you mean?”
“I prefer the term fill out the material. It’s more haimeshe gezundheit.”
“Darrin, if you don’t mind my asking, what, exactly, is the property that you’re planning on turning into a trilogy?”
“The Cat in the Hat.”
“By Dr. Seuss?”
“No, by Stephen King.”
“Really? I knew he was prolific, but I had no idea -“
“OF COURSE BY DR. SEUSS!”
“Oh. It’s a little thin for a trilogy, don’t you think? I mean, it would be thin for a 30 minutes special, but three feature length motion pictures?”
“I have some ideas about how to deal with that.”
“Any you’d care to share?”
“I was thinking we could give the cat a tragic back story. You know the drill: orphaned when he was just a pup -“
“Kitten.”
“Calf. Whatever. Had to fend for himself on the mean streets of…of…of Seussville. Learned how to fake being a tomservant’s tomservant and started a career cat-ering to the city’s wealthy. But, seeing the disparity between where he had come from and where he was working drove him a little…gonzo like Alonzo in the head, so, on his days off, he terrifies middle class kids whose parents aren’t maybe as attentive as they should be.”
“Tragic.”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
“Still, if that’s all you’ve got…”
“Of course that’s not all I’ve got! Thing One and Thing Two are really aliens sent to Earth to examine the planet’s dominant life form. Their reports back to their superiors are full of hilarious misunderstandings and generally wrong information. Sort of like mime Morks in white unisex bodysuits with numbers painted on them.”
“I…did not see that one coming.”
“In this business, you always gotta be thinking if you don’t want to be sinking.”
“Your Street Idiom Coach teach you that one?”
“Naah. Got it from a biography of Luis B. Mayer.”
“Dude. Sounds like you know exactly what you want to do – why not just write the script yourself?”
“Darrin, man! I thought we were friends!”
“Right. Sorry. Only, honestly, even with your…embellishments, I don’t see three pictures, here.”
“Did you factor in the CGI space battles?”
“I factored in the CGI! I factored! But, it’s just not grabbing me by the balls, man. My balls have a definitely ungrabbed feeling at the moment.”
“Well, I gotta say, that’s disappointing considering all the favours I’ve done for you over the years. You know, like helping out with that little matter of flora carabundus?”
“Flora carawhatsis? That’s not a street idiom.”
“Her name was…Lucy?”
“OH! Oh, well, since you put it that way, my balls are beginning to warm to this project. Yeah, my balls are definitely feeling much more positive about it. I…I’ll make some calls…”