by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
The problem with killing babies is that there isn’t much of a constituency for it. Babies are cute: when they gurgle, they remind people of babbling Brooks (because of his propensity to ad lib, Avery had to do a lot of retakes). Babies are adorable: when their eyes open real wide, they look like aliens who have come to Earth to solve all of humanity’s problems (an impression quickly dispelled the next time you have to clean their diapers, but still).
The only people who tend to want to kill babies are people who are allergic to certain skin colours (it makes them break out nooses) and people who have mastered the art of torturing small animals and are looking to up their game. At any time, such people are a vanishingly small percentage of the Vesampuccerian population, no more than 25 or 30. This is not enough to win elections; hell, it’s barely enough to claim a mandate.
So, it should come as no surprise that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf assured the public that, “Kill babies? With kindness, maybe. What, a crazy idea? I mean, what a crazy idea! Babies are the backbone of our economy! Babies are the innovators who spur our great stock market – the greatest in the history of apple blossom jelly! It’s a great stock market, folks. You know it. I know it. The girl with only one eye knows it. And it would be nothing without babies!”
It should come as even more of a no surprise to those actually paying attention that one of the first things McDruhitmumpf did when he assumed office was to close the United States Agency for International Resuscitation (USAIR), which supplied food aid to poor African nations. This had the effect of condemning thousands of innocent African babies to growing up to become third assistant grips on reality shows that would last three seasons or fewer.
According to – no, that’s not what it did! It condemned thousands of innocent African babies to die of starvation! Please pay attention!
According to token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, when Congress allots money for a specific purpose – like funding an agency – the President cannot stop the money from going out. “This is known as ‘Congress’ power of the purse.’ And in case anybody wanted to quibble, the twenty-leventh amendment to the Constitution expanded that to the power of the tote, the power of the handbag, and the power of any other portable receptacle that could be reasonably expected to hold money. If Congress asserted this power, the President couldn’t get away with shutting down agencies willy-nilly!”
“Is that true?” an astonished Speaker of the House Mike Pullyerownjohnson exclaimed. “Not the part about the President’s willy – let’s save that discussion for another time. Are you teasing about Congress having that power? Don’t tease me. I mean, not in my office where anybody can barge in on us!”
When I assured him that what the token smart person had said was true, Speaker Pullyerownjohnson shook his head. “The Constitution is very clear,” he argued. “Congress shall pass no law that will in any way interfere with the prerogatives of the President, swear on my mother’s left nut (she was a big fan of goobers – just look at my dad for proof) that’s the way the Framer’s intended things to be, forever and ever, a man.”
When I asked him which version of the Constitution he pulled that ass fact from, the Speaker told me that it was the McDruhitmumpf-approved Constitution for Dummies (only $29.99, or an absolute steal at $45.99 if you buy it in conjunction with the McDruhitmumpf-approved Bible). “I like colouring in the pictures,” Speaker Pullyerownjohnson sagely stated.
Grey House Press Weasel Karoline Kleavittbelievitt claimed that it would be immoral for the United States to send aid to a foreign country to alleviate the suffering of their babies when there were plenty of starving babies in the good old UsofA – “And if there aren’t now, there will be by the time President McDruhitmumpf has dealt with the problem!”
When a random drywall installer who had walked into the room pointed out that Vesampuccerian peanut farmers were the main beneficiaries of USAIR policies because they grew the food that was sent overseas, Press Weasel Kleavittbelievitt panicked and called on a Cucbreitdohboybart News drywall installer with a Press Pass (actually a ComicCon pass on which somebody had crossed out “ComicCon” and write “Press” over it in Sharpie). To Kleavittbelievitt’s relief, the discussion then shifted to the threat trans girls on automobile construction lines posed to the economy.
Who would benefit from Vesampucceri starving African babies? Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious. “Fenwick! USAIR is the best advertisement around the world for Vesampuccerian values. By shutting it down, it gives Fenwick the green light to influence countries on the African continent. Obviously!”
Is that true?
“You might say that,” Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, said with an offhand toss of a Roman to the lions. “I couldn’t possibly comment.” After a moment’s reflection, he added: “It’s been a while – I didn’t realize how much I missed saying that!”