| 1. | The United States would really, really, really, really, really (and, that’s five reallys, and you know what that means) like you to contribute troops to its current pointless military adventu – err, campaign for freedom and against terror. The Canadian people, on the other hand, are really, really, really, really, really against having anything to do with it. Guess they don’t like freedom. Do you send Canadian troops to war? | |
| YES | 2. | Good luck winning a seat in the next federal election. |
| NO | 3. | However, as a gesture of goodwill, you do let the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) give the names of suspected Canadian terrorists to the American Central Intelligence Agency (CIA). Are they actually guilty of anything? Who knows? What part of “suspected” do you not understand? You’re sure that the Americans will use the information you give them wisely, so what could possibly go wrong? |
| 4. | Years later, a Canadian citizen shows up in a foreign embassy. Oh oh. He claims that he was kidnapped and tortured, and he just wants to get back home. Oh, oh, oh oh! Do you let him return to Canada? | |
| YES | 5. | He tells the press his story. They trace his imprisonment and torture back to the information CSIS gave the CIA. You know the next election? Expect to be booed on the campaign trail. |
| NO | 6. | You have your ambassador tell the man that the government will issue an emergency one-way travel document to him…as long as he can buy a plane ticket to get home. Hee hee. You know he arrived at the embassy with just the clothes on his back and can’t afford the ticket. This would appear to resolve your little public relations problem. |
| 7. | Oops. Spoke too soon. Do Canadians, having gotten wind of what is happening, start a collection to buy the man a ticket to get home? | |
| NO | 8. | Put your feet up on your desk and move on to other business. |
| YES | 9. | Threaten to charge the people who donate to the collection with aiding a terrorist. Does this stop them from giving money to the plane ticket fund? |
| YES | GO TO STEP 8. | |
| NO | 10. | Okay, you’re not going to arrest hundreds of Canadians. It might be nice to think about, but get a grip! Instead, tell the man you cannot give him the travel document that will allow him to return to Canada because he is on a United Nations terrorist watch list, but, hey, we’re all sports, here, so he can come back if he can get his name off the list. |
| 11. | Have CSIS and the RCMP released reports now stating that there is no evidence that the man was ever a part of a terrorist organization? | |
| NO | GO TO STEP 8. | |
| YES | 12. | Wow. Awkward. |
| 13. | Is the political cost of keeping the man out of Canada becoming greater than that of letting him return? | |
| NO | 14. | Patiently explain to the man that you’d love to help him return to Canada, really, you would, but that, under international law, you would be required to get the permission of every country he would fly over, and that just doesn’t seem possible. This isn’t, you know, strictly speaking, true (the UN grants travel exemptions for people on its terrorist watch list to return to their home countries), but, hey, did we mention that he’s on a UN terrorist list? |
| YES | 15. | Accuse the man’s supporters of loving terrorists, change the subject to how proud you are about alienating foreign leaders by boasting of Canada’s economic strength at the G20 summit, do something, anything to avoid acting. There will be an election soon enough, and then the whole mess will be somebody else’s headache. |
Notes
Remember when you thought that being a politician was an honourable way of serving your community? Then came your seventh birthday. Now, of course, you know that being a politician is actually a subtle dance between accommodating the needs and desires of the people who have power over your government and accommodating the will of the people who really have power over your government. (That would be the voters and the American government, although which is which is pretty fluid.)
Nobody teaches you how to negotiate the demands of these constituencies at politician school. Out in the real world, though, there is enough evidence to build models of how it can be done. The Canadian Right of No Return Policy Algorithm is one such model.
As always, Les Pages aux Folles Inc, its employees, dependents and assigns makes no claim as to the moral implications of The Canadian Right of No Return Policy Algorithm. We just tell it like it is.