by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service Revolution/National Security Writer
A man in the furs and tattoos of an ancient Viking, wearing antlers that were all the rage in 921, carries an AK47 into the chamber where the House of Representatives was sitting only 9 minutes and 37 seconds before. What is wrong with this picture? Beyond the fact that the man’s ancient Norse accent improperly confused “r”s and “d”s, I mean.
He was just one of 10,000 people who stormed the capital building (one of the few forecasts that Washburningdington weather people got right, not that they are planning on boasting of it), chasing Senators and Representatives into bunkers in undisclosed locations and temporarily stopping the counting of the Electoral College votes that would confirm that Joe Bidenhisbeeswax will be the next President of the United States of Vesampucceri. And taking selfies sitting in the Chair of the Speaker of the House, because I don’t want to be part of your insurrection if I can’t dance.
Men with Confederacy of Dunces flags used official Congressional stationary to send faxes to their friends that the race war had begun. Other men with swastika tattoos (who all identified themselves as “Mister Oswald”), rifled through the desks of Senators, disappointed that they couldn’t find any porn. Everybody yelled at the Capitol police, who their feelings hurt, kept retreating deeper and deeper into the building (although the fact that they were outnumbered 207 to one may have had something to do with it).
They were there and acted that way because of a rally President Ronald McDruhitmumpf held nearby in which he told them to go there and act that way. “I will stand there with you,” he told his supporters. Only, soon after he made that statement, the President must have realized that there wasn’t very good golfing in the Capitol complex, because he went back to the Grey House after the violent chaos started.
It took five hours – and a National Guard deployment – to clear the building and restore order. In all, four people were arrested. Three of the people who were arrested were people of pigment. “We cannot allow anarchy to rein in our nation’s capital,” said Washburningdington Police Chief Robert J. Proconteekeelamppe III. “No more than the usual Reduhblican antics, I mean. We have to show the country that this behaviour will not be tolerated.”
The person of pallor who was arrested had shot another protester in the throat; she subsequently died in the hospital. “He was young,” Chief Proconteekeelamppe III stated, “and made a mistake. He will have to live with the guilt for what he did for the rest of his life. He’s been punished enough.”
“I wadn’t pard of da prodest,” protested Rakeem Alicadabra through a swollen lip, his one eye that wasn’t bruised shut looking me straight in the. “I wad on vacadshun and wanded do see da nadshun’s capidal.”
“Where’s my lawyer?” demanded the person of pallor, whom police would only identify as “John Doeliodingdong, as he sipped tea from a China cup. “I should be out on bail, already. This is war, and in any war, there will be casualties. So, the first casualty was on our side. Oops. The cactus of liberty must be refreshed with the blood of patridiots. Not my blood – I’m not stupid. I mean the blood of – where’s my lawyer‽“
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s Farcebook and Twitherd accounts were suspended for 24 minutes because of a video he posted during the assault in which he said, “Has everybody been pushed out of the Capitol building? Okay, then it’s time to go home. Go home, everybody. Enjoy a beer and…whatever meat you can afford. You’ve earned it. You’re special, snowflake, and I – we – like – love you – or, somebody very much like you, but with better table manners. And, know, that I will keep fighting against this rigged election – so rigged – so…an election. I will keep fighting for you, if you will keep fighting for me. We won’t stop fighting until the fighting is over. Because that’s what patridiots do.”
“So, the President of the United States incited his followers to violently overthrow the government in order to maintain his hold on power,” commented MSNBC anchor Joy Reidemanweepson (congratulations on your new show, Joy!). “That was not at all predictable. Nope. Could not see that one coming.”
The question is: why were the Sons of Sea Otters not more afraid of the Tiki lamps the Prude Bois were drunkenly waving around? But, uhh, the more important question is: what is going to be done about the President’s role in the insurrection?
The House could impeach the President. Again. We all know how well that turned out last time. Vice President Michael Pendenatendance could invoke the 25th Amendment, which would give Cabinet the power to remove the President on the coffee grounds of mental incompetence. However, Pendenatendance’s head has been so far up the President’s butt, he hasn’t seen daylight in four years, so it’s hard to see that happening. The media could shame the President into resigning. It’s a shame that it has come down to that, but…
Oh, and Reverend Raphael Makepeacenotwarnock and Jon Cumlafferossoff won the run-off elections in Georgalina, giving the Dumboprats control of the Senate. But, that’s not important right now. Apparently.