SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
In all of the multiverse, there isn’t another universe quite like Earth Prime 1-6-6-5-8-2 dash omega. And, when we say that, we’re being hyperbolic for the sake of grabbing the reader’s attention, of course, since there are an almost infinite number of universes that are similar to it in every way except one – maybe you forgot to floss last night, for instance, or Ed Woodlandishcreature won a Best Director Oscar for Glen or Glenda or Glenadine. The point is, people from many other universes consider Earth Prime 1-6-6-5-8-2 dash omega to be, and we quote, “pretty weird.”
For Earth Prime 1-6-6-5-8-2 dash omega may well be – saying “we quote” and using quotation marks was somewhat redundant, wasn’t it? Okay, well, in order to correct our error, we’ll omit quotation marks from a future quote. You know, to be fair and balanced. Especially balanced. We love a good fair, but clowns, man. Clowns.
So. Earth Prime 1-6-6-5-8-2 dash omega may well be the most advanced idiotocracy in the multiverse. Idiotocracy, for those of you who are not political junkies or frying pan to the head fetishists, is rule “by the stupidest, for the stupidest, of the stupidest,” as the Declaration of Independence of the United States of Vesampucceri was reported to have said before the first and only draft was lost when John Hannoverfistcock accidentally burned the building in which the Foundling Fathers were meeting to the ground. (No, smartass, they didn’t back their documents up to the cloud in those days. True, it could be argued that burning the DoI was the original way of of sending a document to the cloud – retrieving it would be tricky, though.)
To help readers better understand the nature of idiotocracy, the Alternate Reality News Service assembled a panel to discuss the current state of the nation, and to free-associate about where it might go in the future. We won’t lie to you – hallucinogenic substances may have been involved (if any of the panellists had thought to bring any!). The panel was made up of:
- Andrew Cucbreitdohboybart, publisher of the alte cocker online publication Cucbreitdohboybart News
- Eugene Robinsoncrusoe, Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist for the Washburningdington Post, and
- Arnie Bamshitshotshutshe, the common-law partner of token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam (who was unavailable owing to a sudden case of death)
The panel was chaired (although, to her credit, she only threatened to throw it three times, all of them richly deserved) by Alternate Reality News Service Editrix-in-chief Brenda Brundtland-Govanni.
1.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Let’s get this over with as quickly as possible – I have a full body bikini wax at four and Andrea is nasty when I’m late! So. Idiotocracy. What’s the deal?
ANDREW CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: I believe it was President Ron Potganreabumbom who said, “Idiotocracy is the best form of government, except for all the others.” If we take him literally, that would appear to be a kind of condemnation of the form of governance. However, if we take the quote in the spirit in which it was intended, you can see that he really did love it, that he thought it was the greatest thing since the invention of the electric sock straightener.
EUGENE ROBINSONCRUSOE: Actually, it wasn’t President Potganreabumbom, and you’ve kind of mangled the quote. But, I wouldn’t expect anything better from a man whose publication once called Mother Teresa an anarchist.
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: That’s not –
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Hey! There should have been quotation marks around the word “anarchist.” Like you just did in my last sentence. I was not the one who described Mother Teresa as an anarchist!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Sorry, Gene. We overused quotation marks in the introduction, and we were trying to make it up to the reader. We’ll try and make it up to you later in the forum.
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Look. The principle of “one idiot, one vote” has been the foundation on which Vesampucceri has built the best country in the history of the world!
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Well, sure, if you think that global hot as hellification denial, fascists holding pep rallies on city streets and another season of Survivor: Washburningdington makes a country great, then Vesampucceri is certainly great.
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Oh, please! Spare me your –
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Arnie, you’ve been awfully quiet. What are your thoughts on this subject?
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: I…I wasn’t really the smart one of the family. I don’t –
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Sure, you do. You’re on this panel to give us the viewpoint of the average Vesampuccerian.
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: Oh. Well. I. I…didn’t vote in the last election.
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Vesampuccerians don’t get much more average than that!
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Well done!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Why do I bother?
2.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Reduhblicans cut taxes for the wealthiest Vesampuccerians, repeal labour laws and otherwise walk all over poor people (mostly at their conventions, but also sometimes at rallies). Yet, poor Vesampuccerians are their biggest supporters. Why do citizens in idiotocracies so often vote against their own interests?
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Implicit in your question is the idea that voters are one-dimensional. However, they are complex beings. For instance, a lot of poor people are willing to accept getting walked all over as long as immigrants and minorities have it even worse.
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Implicit in Andrew’s answer is the idea that those voters actually know that they are being walked all over. That’s not necessarily the case. These people are what are sometimes known as “information indifferent voters,” “information averse voters” or “flaming moron voters.” I mean, these are people who think that Big Brother was an accurate depiction of life in modern England!
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: That’s just an elitist media personality talking. You need to get in touch with the values of ordinary, honest, hard-working Vesampuccerians.
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Were you not listening? I have been in touch with the values of ordinary Vesampuccerians. I had to shower for a week!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Arnie, you’re the closest thing to an ordinary Vesampuccerian in this room – hell, probably in this whole building! – what do you think?
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: Can I go home, now?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: You and me both, pal. You and me both.
3.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Presidential –
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Actually, before we move on to the next numbered discussion topic, I think I should point out that years of cuts to public education and a series of particularly vicious attacks on left wing politicians and the media have made a lot of otherwise reasonable people into lunatics who will believe that Hillary Roocartoncleveman had a secret plan to send the Earth careening into the sun. A lot of the worst aspects of idiotocracy have been deliberately fostered by the right and its supporters in the media.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Andrew, do you want to respond to this?
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Eugene has a wart on his nose.
ROBINSONCRUSOE: What? No, I don’t.
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: I think he’s a witch. Has anybody seen him in a swimming pool?
ROBINSONCRUSOE: That’s ridiculous! I’m not a witch!
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Are you sure about that? By the time this forum is over, 40 per cent of Vesampuccerians will believe that you are a witch. Who –
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: I’ve never seen you in a swimming pool.
ROBINSONCRUSOE: I’m allergic to water!
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Who are you going to believe – a single biased journalist or 40 per cent of the Vesampuccerian population?
ROBINSONCRUSOE: (shouting) I’m not a witch!
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: (smug) I think the people can make up their own minds…
3. (let’s hope it sticks this time)
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Presidential son-in-law Jared Kushkushinthebush met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu to discuss summer home opportunities in the Gaga Strip. Meanwhile, Secretary of State T-Rex “For The” Tillerovlandzman is lucky if he sees the Undersecretary of Pencil Sharpening of the country of Finland. What happens to diplomacy in an idiotocracy?
ROBINSONCRUSOE: That’s a – I’m not a witch, okay‽ I don’t even like Hexed! – ahem. That’s a complicated question. You have to wonder why Jared Kushkushinthebush, whose only qualification seems to be playing Albania in a grade six mock Disunited Nations exercise, is being given an ever-largening role in the administration. Putting relatives in positions of power? That’s what they do in banana daquiri republics! On the other hand, President McDruhitmumpf seems to prefer military action to diplomacy. You have to wonder if McDruhitmumpf –
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Oh, for [EXPLETIVE DELETED] sake! You vegan liberal communist anarchist witches are so obsessed with Ronald McDruhitmumpf!
ROBINSONCRUSOE: He is the President.
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Why don’t you focus on Hillary Roocartoncleveman?
ROBINSONCRUSOE: She’s not the President?
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Evil is evil, whether it has power or not.
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: Hilary Roocartoncleveman isn’t evil.
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Shut your festering gob, you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] tit!
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: Sorry.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Hey! Nobody swears at the guests but me!
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Not sorry.
ROBINSONCRUSOE: This is what people on the right do all of the time. They –
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: People on the right? People on the right? Why don’t you ever talk about how people on the left – Dumboprats, if you’re too [EXPLETIVE DELETED] thick to get the metaphor – how they’re obstructing President McDruhitmumpf’s agenda?
ROBINSONCRUSOE: The Reduhblicans control the Grey House and both houses of Congress. The only way the Dumboprats could obstruct the President’s agenda would be if they all committed ritual suicide, forcing the legislature to pause while special elections had to be held to fill all of their seats!
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: And, things would still be better than they are now! Not a single Dumboprat has voted for anything on President McDruhitmumpf’s agenda.
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Why would they? President McDruhitmumpf’s agenda seems to be entirely made up of undoing everything that Dumbopratic President Bushbamclintreagbush managed to get passed. Legislation, I would hasten to point out, that Reduhblicans fought every step of the way, and refused to vote for, even when the policies had originally been theirs.
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: (chuckles) Yeah, we were scamps. (sobers) I mean, that was completely different!
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Because it was your side that was being obstructionist?
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Is he allowed to steal my lines like that?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: I did say I would make up the whole quotations debacle to him. So, yeah. Arnie, do you have anything to add?
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: Will that man swear at me again?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Not if he doesn’t want to experience the business end of my industrial strength slapping gloves, he won’t.
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: Oh. Okay. Then…umm…what was the question, again?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]!
4.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Eight months into office, we have learned that President McDruhitmumpf was negotiating with the Duchy of Grand Fenwick to build a massive sewage treatment plant in that country. Why is this such a big whup?
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Other than the fact that they’ve been our mortal enemy for almost 70 years?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Yeah. Sure. Other than that.
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Okay. Other than that, it has been common practice in the United States of Vesampucceri for politicians to make money off the office after they leave – that’s why Gord created speaker’s fees and book deals.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: And celebrity appearances on reality TV shows.
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Okay. Right. That, too. The point is, President McDruhitmumpf was starting to make money off the office before he was even elected to the office! This upsets the natural order of things! You think dogs lying with cats is an overused metaphor for chaos? Give it a little time. Just give it a little time…
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Oh, please! North Korea could have nuked us by tomorrow and anti-fascist thugs are beating the crap out of poor, defenseless neo-Nasties on the streets of Vesampucceri. Now! As we speak! Why are we even talking about this?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Eugene, why are we even talking about this?
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Why are we even…? – look. President McDruhitmumpf said clearly and repeatedly on the campaign trail – not to mention since he won the election – that, “I did not have relations with that country.” Now that it’s obvious that he did –
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Yeah, okay, right. He said that. But then, when he was in office, President Roocartoncleveman said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” So, this is not a Reduhblican issue specifically.
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Oh, sure! Next you’ll be telling me that every President lies for personal gain because in a famous child’s story President George Washburningdington said, “I did not have relations with that cherry tree!” It’s obviously not the same!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Arnie, you’ve been awfully quiet. Do you think it’s not the same?
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: Yeah. Sure. Not the same.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Why not?
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: Umm…because Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe says it isn’t?
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Oh, come on, man! Why don’t you think for yourself?
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: Because the average person in an idiotocracy doesn’t know how?
ROBINSONCRUSOE: Kid’s got a point.
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Well, yeah, okay, that is the way the system was designed to work, but, umm…[EXPLETIVE DELETED] you, you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] dashiki-wearing, son of a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] camel-necked [EXPLETIVE DELETED] geek!
ROBINSONCRUSOE: So, when you say you want somebody to think for themselves, you actually want them to agree with you?
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Are you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] mocking me, [EXPLETIVE DELETED] French [EXPLETIVE DELETED] witch? You –
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: I’m warning you for the last time: swear at the other panellists on your own time, neo-Nasty boy. I can smell the wax melting!
5.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: So. Civility in public discourse in an idiotocracy. What’s the 9-1-1?
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Are you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] kidding me? [EXPLETIVE DELETED] civility in [EXPLETIVE DELETED] public discourse is a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] Chinese plot to undermine our freedom of speech! You know where they have [EXPLETIVE DELETED] civil discourse? [EXPLETIVE DELETED] North [EXPLETIVE DELETED! Korea!
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: I – I think I wanna go home, now.
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: Of course you do, you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED]! This is real [EXPLETIVE DELETED] political discourse. It’s [EXPLETIVE DELETED] raw! It’s [EXPLETIVE DELETED] in your face! It’s –
BAMSHITSHOTSHUTSHE: We don’t – we don’t talk like that to each other in New Hampshirecticut!
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay, Andrew. That’s enough.
CUCBREITDOHBOYBART: You wanna [EXPLETIVE DELETED] stifle my [EXPLETIVE DELETED] freedom of expression, lady? Are you a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] lady, or are you a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] man mountain wrestler in drag?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: (shouting) Shut the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] up you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] bullying bastard! Don’t make me [EXPLETIVE DELETED] throw this! Because I will! And, the form you signed before the panel started makes it very clear that the Alternate Reality News Service is not responsible for any medical expenses you may incur as a result of this journalistic event. Oh, yeah [EXPLETIVE DELETED] – you do not want to mess with our [EXPLETIVE DELETED] lawyers!
ROBINSONCRUSOE: I think that answered the question.
The Alternate Reality News Service would like to thank Andrew Cucbreitdohboybart, Eugene Robinsoncrusoe and Arnie Bamshitshotshutshe for their participation in this [BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: No, we’re not. We’re not thanking Andrew Cucbreitdohboybart for shit!] Umm…okay. The Alternate Reality News Service would like to thank Eugene Robinsoncrusoe and Arnie Bamshitshotshutshe for their participation in this forum. We’ll figure out how to diplomatically say how we really feel about Andrew Cucbreitdohboybart and get back to you on that…