by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Trade in Helium 3 was the most important issue dealt with by the various offshoots of humanity at the latest Intergalactic Ruling Symposium and Oyster Bar. However, trade between star systems is such an arcane pursuit that even those who negotiate it have only a passing knowledge of its intricacies. (It is a well documented fact that Galactic negotiations are so deadly dull that only low level – read: not very bright – further reading: expendable – embassy workers are allowed to take part in them; this should explain why, to use but one example, terraforming of lifeless planets can only be conducted on alternate Thursdays.)
Let’s be honest: galactic trade is boring. What everybody really wants to know is: did the Gee Stank Ambassador really get drunk and try to have sex with a Gallifreyan Puddle Fern?
Several witnesses claim that something funky was going on between Ambassador Wilson and the plant in a private room of the Arthur Dent Hotel (motto: “We always know where your towel is!”). The Gee Stank embassy has issued a statement denying the allegations. The Puddle Fern has remained stubbornly silent on the issue.
In the FP Bar and Oyster Symposium after the final day’s deliberations, various strains of humanity gathered for the more serious business of mingling. As it always does (I flipped through dozens of universes to check, and it was true in every one of them), the conversation turned to the question of which branch of humanity was the original from which the others had springed. Spranged? Uhh…originated.
“My. People. Had. To. Develop. Great. Muscles. In. Order. To. Survive. Our. Gravity’s. Crushing. Weight,” stated Ambassador Kar’El Ror’Schach. “We. Are. Clearly. The. Template. For. Other. Specimens. Of. Humanity.”
Ambassador Ror’Schach represented the P’Up’Py of Rinimbi Seven, the third planet in the Rinimbi star system. Due to the gravity on Rinimbi Seven, the P’Up’Py are short and squat, the sort of characters you expect to find underneath bridges demanding the sacrifice of small children to allow you to pass. But, very strong. Mind-boggling strong. So strong, in fact, that fighting and weightlifting events at the Galactic Olympics had to be cancelled because nobody could compete against them.
“Water people, are we,” responded Ambassador Pulsate Slushthrup of the Arklon Agonsutes. “Adapt to wet planet, had to we. A most graceful people, became we. First humans, were we.”
Halsion, the planet of the Arklon Agonsutes, is 99 per cent water. (At least, it was before the worst of global warming hit.) The Arklon Agonsutes developed gills, webbed appendages and an alternate breathing system in order to be able to live under water. All swimming events at the Galactic Olympics had to be cancelled because nobody could compete against them.
“Oh, pullleaze!” commented Ambassador Firefly of the Flauff of planet Esmerelda. “We have developed eyesight so advanced that we can pick the lint off a cashmere sweater at a mile and a half. You think we could possibly have evolved from the P’Up’Py? Are you blind? Oh, snap! And, the uniforms at the opening ceremonies of the Symposium? I needed three Gravol and an aspirin just to keep my lunch down! Oh, yes! I went there!”
Constantly changing atmospheric conditions on Esmerelda required the Flauff to develop extraordinary vision. It is said that their sight is so good that they can see three seconds into the future (except when distracted by reruns of I Love Lucy, which have only recently arrived in their star system). This ruled out baseball, basketball, hockey and just about every other team sport at the Galactic Olympics.
“Uhh, yeah,” Ambassador (formerly Captain) Spalding added to the debate. “Hate to break it to you, but legend has it that the human race started on Urth.”
Everybody in the bar made noises that, given their varied physiognomies, approximated laughter.
“You. Are. Weak,” Ambassador Ror’Schach stated. “I. Could. Snap. You. In. Two. And. Use. You. As. A. Toothpick.”
“Graceful, are not you,” Ambassador Slushthrup added. “Please, laugh, do not make me.”
“Oh, you didn’t!” Ambassador Firefly screeched. “Honey, I know a poseur when I’m looking at one, and my poseur alert status is in ultraviolet!”
The argument went on well into the closing ceremonies the next afternoon. And, while all of the representatives continued to argue that their race, being superior, must have been the one from which all of the others developed, there was one thing upon which they could all agree: it definitely wasn’t the Urthers!