You may be under the mistaken impression that being the President of the United States is all fun and games. And, in truth, there are a lot of perks, everything from pardoning turkeys on Thanksgiving to having your staff bitch slap turkeys in Congress all year round. But, it isn’t all Rose Garden parties and debt ceiling negotiations. Sometimes, the President has to tackle serious issues. Like a mass shooting of innocent civilians.
If you advise a President who finds himself in this situation, or if you find yourself in this situation, the following algorithm should give you a good idea of how to deal with it.
| 1. | Is the President a Republican? | |
| 2. | YES | Were there five or fewer victims? |
| 3. | NO | Were there five or fewer victims? |
| 4. | YES | Have the White House Press Secretary say at a press conference, “This is a sad day for America.” Then, GO TO 28 |
| 5. | YES | Have the ranking House Democrat say at a press conference, “This is a tragedy for America.” Then, GO TO 28 |
| 6. | NO | Were there six to 20 victims? |
| 7. | NO | Were there six to 20 victims? |
| 8. | YES | Have the ranking house Republican say at a press conference, “This is a tragedy for America.” Then, GO TO 16 |
| 9. | YES | Have the ranking Senate Democrat say at a press conference, “This is a terrible tragedy for America.” Then, GO TO 17 |
| 10. | NO | Were one quarter or more of the victims children? |
| 11. | NO | Were one quarter or more of the victims children? |
| 12. | NO | Have the ranking Senate Republican say at a press conference, “This is a terrible tragedy for America.” Then, GO TO 16 |
| 13. | NO | Have the President call a press conference and say, “This is a sad, terrible tragedy for America.” Then, GO TO 17 |
| 14. | YES | Have the President call a press conference and say, “This is a horrific, terrible tragedy for America.” Then, GO TO 16 |
| 15. | YES | Have the President call a press conference and say, “This is a sad, terrible, horrific tragedy for America. Then, GO TO 17 |
| 16. | Are powerful interests (such as television news anchors) agitating for stricter gun laws? | |
| NO | GO TO 28 | |
| 17. | Are powerful interests (such as television news anchors) agitating for stricter gun laws? | |
| NO | GO TO 28 | |
| 18. | Does your party control both houses of Congress? | |
| 19. | Does your party control both houses of Congress? | |
| 20. | YES | Get your friends in the media to disseminate the idea that the availability of guns isn’t a factor in gun violence, so stronger gun laws won’t stop what happened from happening again. In the spirit of political compromise, say that you will consider stronger gun laws despite your misgivings, then make sure any attempt at developing them are killed in committee. Then, GO TO 28 |
| 21. | Have your members make rousing speeches about the need to balance public safety with people’s Second Amendment rights, and be puzzled when you get no attention from the media for this position. In the spirit of bi-partisanship, negotiate with yourself for a few months, then pass a mild bill that is immediately challenged in the courts by the NRA. Then, GO TO 28 | |
| 22. | Does your party control one house of Congress? | |
| 23. | Does your party control one house of Congress? | |
| 24. | YES | In the spirit of political compromise, say that you will consider stronger gun laws despite your misgivings about them, then make sure any attempt at developing them are killed in committee. If the opposition passes a law that strengthens gun control in the house that it controls, get your friends in the media to call them monsters who want to micromanage people’s lives. Make sure that the law is watered down as much as possible, if not outright killed, in joint committee. Then, GO TO 28 |
| 25. | YES | Pass moderately strict gun control laws in the house you control. If the opposition fails to pass a law in the house that it controls, watch it water down the bill in joint committee, then still fail to pass it. Then, GO TO 28 |
| 26. | NO | Threaten to veto any gun control bill that passes your desk and have your friends in the media lie about what is in proposed bills in order to scare gun owners. If a gun control law is passed, veto the shit out of it and call it a victory for freedom. Then, GO TO 28 |
| 27. | NO | Say that if Congress does not act on gun violence, you will find ways of mitigating the worst of it on your own. When Congress does not act on gun violence, watch your proposals be ripped to shreds by opposition media. Then, GO TO 28 |
| 28. | Time passes. The media gets bored of the tragedy and moves on to other vital stories (such as the monkey in the Ikea parking lot). The shooting becomes a historical footnote of interest only to the victims and their friends and family. You can feel free to move on to your own agenda. |
Notes
As always, we feel the need to point out that this algorithm does not promote the behaviours it describes; it was developed by close examination of the historical record. If we seem defensive about this, blame Fox News.