The United States government is planning to operate a television station in Iraq in order to show the conquered – sorry, I meant liberated. I don’t know what comes over me, but rest assured I am seeking medication for it – people of the country what life in America is all about. The theory is that a steady diet of American shows – Friends is most often quoted as the model – will eliminate those pesky suspicions among many Iraqis that maybe the US doesn’t have their best interests at heart.
Setting aside practical considerations – like the inconvenient fact that 90 per cent of Iraqis don’t own television sets, and half of those who do do not have the electricity to run them – one can’t help but wonder just what sort of image this kind of programming really projects. If all you knew about America was what was portrayed on its television entertainment programmes, what would you really know?
Well. You would believe that…
There is no privacy in America: everybody listens in on other’s people’s conversations. Moreover, the state of American hearing is appalling: most often, those who listen in on others’ conversations completely mishear them!
Everybody in America is tall. Most Americans are blonde. Most Americans have cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass. Almost every American woman has a bust to waist ratio that asymptotically approaches zero. Almost every American man has shoulders broad enough to serve a seven course meal on. Those few Americans who do not fit this model are kept around because they are frequently spontaneously funny.
Everybody in America has a job that is either glamorous (for example: magazine editor or music company executive) or exciting (for instance: police officer or doctor). Oddly, though, Americans who work in offices rarely seem to actually do what they are paid to do. A foreign viewer can only assume that professions not shown on television (construction workers, say, or sewage engineers) are filled by migrant workers who are not American citizens, and who only come out late at night to fulfill their tasks.
Even Americans with low-paying jobs can afford apartments the size of aircraft carriers and clothes not ordinarily seen outside the runways of Milan and Paris. The United States must have developed a secret cleaning device that it refuses to share with the world, because these apartments are invariably immaculate even though nobody ever seems to dust or vacuum. Similarly, perhaps “smart fridges” and “smart stoves and ovens” are now so sophisticated that they male meals on their own, because, although Americans are constantly shown eating, it is rare to see any of them cooking.
Black Americans and white Americans seem to live in different communities. On the other hand, they often appear to work together in more or less complete harmony. These two conditions may not be mutually exclusive, but more viewing is likely necessary before they can be satisfactorily reconciled.
Nobody in the United States appears to have sex. Young adults are too busy trying to make their way in the world and/or playing practical jokes on each other. Older adults usually have families which, for a variety of reasons, makes sex either impossible, irrelevant or both. It is likely that Americans have sex between these two periods, but, other than the existence of children on some shows, the evidence for this belief is sketchy.
There is only one bar in America: Cheers. Every American who goes into the bar is a loser, but kind of lovable nonetheless. In America, no matter how much alcohol you consume, you never get falling down, puke in a stranger’s lap drunk, nor do you end up in a knife fight in an alley. And, you certainly never kill anybody trying to drive home after a night of drinking.
You rarely see anybody in the United States watching television. This may lead you to assume that it is a very cultured country, but, in fact, you rarely see an American reading a newspaper or a book, either. Especially students. If Americans are not consuming all of the culture they produce, how can they afford to produce it?
Americans appear to suffer crises every 12 minutes or so. Despite this, they manage to resolve all of their problems in 30 minutes, and sometimes as many as three problems in 60 minutes. This suggests either that Americans are tremendously gifted problem-solvers, or that they only suffer superficial, easily solved problems.
Oh, yeah. Television obviously gives an accurate reflection of life in the United States. No wonder so many people want to live there. Wouldn’t you?