by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
“And two more squats.
And rise.
And scream obscenities at your TV.
And one more squat.
And rise.
And scream obscenities at your TV.
Good!”
I’m not sure who thought it was a good idea to have fit young men and women prance around on stage in form-fitting leotards, alternately leading physical exercises and exercises in racial and class animosity. While I’m tempted to blame George Orwellumaythink, I’m confident he didn’t intend for Nineteen Eighty-four to be an instruction manual. Or to be presented in spandex.
There is a certain genius to Foxindehenhaus’ new series, The 20 Minute Hate Workout. People are always concerned about their health, and shows like this have been very popular with middle-aged women and teenage boys alike (although perhaps for different reasons) since at least the 1880s. It is also true that venting anger at enemies of the state portrayed on their TV screens is something a lot of Foxindehenhaus viewers have been doing for a long time (since at least the 1880s); this has proven to be a great way to burn calories.
One of the advantages the series has over the book (yes, I have read the book – smarty pants – well, the beginning of the book, at least – okay, the first page and the Clifford’s Notes – cut me some slack, I’m not a book reviewer!) is that there is no “Emmanuel Goldenrodbeerstein” on which to focus the rage of the participants, just shadowy figures of dark-skinned “immigrants.” If the focus of fear is a single identifiable person (especially one who probably died decades ago – score one for Clifford’s Notes!), the fear can dissipate if you never encounter him. Fear of a general category of people is easier to stoke and maintain, inasmuch as the fearer likely sees potential fearees around them on a regular basis.
“And twist to the left.
And straighten.
And scream in inchoate rage at your TV.
And twist to the right.
And straighten.
And scream in inchoate fury at your TV.
And rest.
And scream in inchoate fury at your TV.
And rest.
Good.”
One of the problems with the show is the high turnover of hosts. Just when you get comfortable with the woman leading the workout, she is given a job in the McDruhitmumpf administration. Then you have to learn a whole new set of exercises with its own rhythm and, honestly, most viewers come for the hate, not the exercise, and won’t stay if it becomes too difficult.
If anything illustrates the absurdity of the mainstream television model, it’s this show. Just when you’ve worked up a good sweat and are fairly frothing at the mouth (as opposed to unfairly frothing at the genitals) about how those horrible people are ruining your life, the show breaks for a commercial! Talk about killing the momentum! Your blood is pumping so much you’re ready to punch the TV screen, and it comes to an abrupt halt. Which, if I’m honest, made me want to punch the TV screen, but not for the right reason.
And whoa, lordy, mama, what’s with that set? White floor against a white backdrop – if it was any more generic, you could make a bland bologna sandwich out of it…or run it for Congress as a Reduhblican. Would it have really killed Big Bother (the holding company that produces The 20 Minute Hate Workout) to splurge a few dollars for a couple of cans of paint? Or maybe greenscreen into the background something interesting, like a herd of rampaging gerbils?
The 20 Minute Hate Workout is a perfect show for a world in which Health and Human Disservices Secretary Robert F. Kennebunkedy, Jr. believes that the phrase “Make Vesampucceri Healthy Again” means making Vesampuccerians sick again. Sure, screaming at your television screen can be good cardio; but the stress of rage can also kill in a murial – merryad – a wide variety of ways. You would hope a HHD Secretary would understand that, but we live in times of highly diminished expectations.
“Aaaaaaand jump!
And spit!
And jump!
And spit!
Three more!
Two more!
One more!
Aaaaaaaaaand jog on the spot while hissing at your TV.
Well done, everybody! If you’ve followed along with everything we’ve done, you’ve had a great exercise for your body and your irrational rage. You can go about the rest of the day with the knowledge that your belief system will not be challenged in a way you cannot deal with. Until tomorrow, good health and good hate!”