1) What is TARP?
2) Really?
3) So, what is it?
4) A radio station?
5) Okay. Forget what the acronym stands for. What is TARP supposed to do?
6) Yes, I want to ask that question.
7) How many toxic mortgages did the government end up buying?
8) Answer the question! How many toxic mortgages did the government end up buying?
9) What?
10) What did the banks do with the money?
11) Didn’t Congress attach any strings to the TARP money?
12) So, they just blew $700 billion?
13) How did they come up with the figure $700 billion, anyway?
14) WHAT’S SCIENTIFIC ABOUT THAT?
15) Why did Congress go along with this madness?
16) They only spent half of the money that had been budgeted, and not even on what they claimed it would be spent on. What happened to the economy?
17) Didn’t Congress at least do anything when it found out that the TARP money hadn’t been spent on what they authorized it to be spent on?
18) You know, I’m really getting tired of you answering questions that way. Could you please stop doing that?
19) Okay. So, where were we?
20) No. What did Congress do when it found out that the TARP money hadn’t been spent on what they authorized it to be spent on?
21) Really?
22) Groan! Does it get worse?
The Totally Arcane Recovery Plan.
No. It’s not much of a plan.
A radio station.
You know: T-A-R-P in Cincinnati.
5) Okay. Forget what the acronym stands for. What is TARP supposed to do?
Are you sure you want to ask that question? The answer could make you long for the answers to questions one through four.
6) Yes, I want to ask that question.
TARP was intended to forestall financial Armageddon by taking $700 billion of government money and using it to buy up toxic mortgages. This would allow the banks that were losing money on their bad investment in “financial instruments” that sneakily included these mortgages to remain sufficiently liquid to continue to lend money. This would keep the economy from collapsing.
7) How many toxic mortgages did the government end up buying?
Have you ever noticed that you can’t have a mortgage without a little mort?
8) Answer the question! How many toxic mortgages did the government end up buying?
Uhh…none. Give or take…none.
Hee hee. Funny thing about that plan. You see, after the money was authorized by Congress, Treasury Secretary Paulson had a better idea. He figured that if you just gave the money to the banks, they would immediately lend it out. What else could they do with it? It’s not like they could use it to take over each other, pay dividends to their shareholders or pay their executives outrageous bonuses for essentially destroying their companies’ value, right?
10) What did the banks do with the money?
They used it to take each other over, pay dividends to their shareholders and pay their executives outrageous bonuses for essentially destroying their companies’ value. But, uhh, you probably saw that one coming.
11) Didn’t Congress attach any strings to the TARP money?
Hee hee. Funny thing about the whole “attach strings to the TARP money” thing. No. No, Congress didn’t attach strings to the TARP money.
12) So, they just blew $700 billion?
No. They only blew $350 billion. Congress delayed giving the Bush administration the other half of the money until it wasn’t the Bush administration any more.
13) How did they come up with the figure $700 billion, anyway?
The process was very scientific. Paulson took a couple of magic mushrooms and, when he awoke, the figure was scrawled in the dust next to him in chicken blood.
14) WHAT’S SCIENTIFIC ABOUT THAT?
Are you kidding? They’ve been experimenting with mushrooms at the Pentagon for decades. But, uhh, that’s probably better dealt with in its own Frequently Unasked Questions file.
15) Why did Congress go along with this madness?
They were told that the economy of the United States of America would collapse if they didn’t do something immediately, and that it would take the economy of the world down with it.
16) They only spent half of the money that had been budgeted, and not even on what they claimed it would be spent on. What happened to the economy?
Hee hee. Funny thing about what happened to the economy. It had been in recession for over a year, but it didn’t fall off a cliff like everybody had been told it would.
17) Didn’t Congress at least do anything when it found out that the TARP money hadn’t been spent on what they authorized it to be spent on?
Hee hee. Funny thing about tha –
18) You know, I’m really getting tired of you answering questions that way. Could you please stop doing that?
Sure.
You had started tearing your hair out with frustration and were reminiscing fondly about the answers to questions one through –
20) No. What did Congress do when it found out that the TARP money hadn’t been spent on what they authorized it to be spent on?
Uh, nothing.
Really. To be fair, though, most members of Congress probably didn’t know what they were voting for, so, as far as they’re concerned, the money was spent on what they authorized it to be spent on.
Well…there is still $350 of TARP money to be spent…