by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
He strides onto the shop floor like a sheriff walking onto a dusty main street at High Eleven (allowing for Daylight Savings Time). Manfully. Full of…man. He shakes the hands of the executives he meets there with all the abandon of a lawman galloping towards three killers. (If he survives, perhaps next time he’ll remember to get on a horse.)
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf likes to think of himself as John Waylaidwhilinnane. On a good day, he should be so lucky as to achieve the gravitas of Gabby Carfairindrughayes.
For somebody who got out of military service in Vietnam because he had “high arches and low expectations,” President McDruhitmumpf is showing uncharacteristic bravery in the face (and arms and intestinal tracts) of a global pandemic.
Or, is he?
The Alternate Reality News Service has learned (from the school of hard knocks, where else?) that President McDruhitmumpf, Vice President Michael Pendenatendance, anybody they travel with and anybody they are likely to meet are tested for the COVID-19 virus every day he leaves the Grey House. They –
“Whaaaaaaaat‽” shrieked New Yoricknuhemwell Governor Andrew Lopomocuomo. “I’ve been begging the federal government to send us tests so that out front line workers – our doctors, our nurses, our health insurance agents – could be tested for the coronavirus. And this sorry piece of…manfully is hording them for himself? I got two words to say to the President of the United States, and neither of them would be approved by my grammie!”
Nobody knows how many tests the federal government has in its stores because it’s not telling. According to Unofficial Secretary of All Cabinet Positions and Master of None Jared Kushkushinthebush, “Those supplies are ours. Ours. They don’t belong to the states. They don’t belong to the cities. They belong to us. If we want to go on a drunken spree and test everybody in the bar with us, we can. That’s the whole point of ‘ours.'”
Apparently, petulant six year-old is the new Grey House media strategy. To be fair, Kushkushinthebush learned from a master.
Kushkushinthebush was appointed the head of a coronavirus task force. Other heads of coronavirus tasks forces (which multiply faster than digital calculators) include: Vice President Pendenatendance, Doctor Anthony Faucispendulum and Groucho Gottsadlylowmarx. Posthumously. The President appears to believe that if there were just a few more task forces, the economic slowdown that arose out of self-quarantining and staying in place would be solved.
New Yoricknuhemwell and Californahoma were the two states hit hardest in the early days of the pandemic. Their hospitals were overwhelmed by patients faster than Zebulons raiding a frabjous kaloo kalay storehouse. (Earth Prime 1-6-7-1-8-3 dash Psi is a great source of literary metaphors!) In addition to tests for their front line workers, they soon ran into shortages of medical masks and ventilators for patients. The –
“Mine!” Kushkushinthebush blurted, hugging a tablet with an image of a teddy bear on life support close to his chest and rocking back and forth. “All mine! Daddy-in-law says we can do with them whatever we want, and I want to keep them all for ourselves! So, nana nana na na!”
Somebody needs a lesson in sharing. Or, messaging. Or, both.
“Jared is doing a great job. Top notch,” President McDruhitmumpf tweeped at 2:37 this morning. “I mean, he knows just how far to cinch up his belt to keep his pants up, and that’s a rare thing these days. He is definitely a master of belt tightening! #firstsoninlawpride”
A few minutes later, the President follow-up tweeped: “I meant that he was doing a great job leading the coronavirus task force. He’s helping us bend the curve, bend it until it yells ‘Mommy!’ and goes sniveling back to the universe of theoretical geometric figures where it came from! #ughmath”
Twelve clarifications later, it was clear (to forensic used saddle brokers, if nobody else) that the President was praising Kushkushinthebush for sticking it to Governors in Dumbopratic states.
“This is perverse,” said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Viruses don’t respect borders. They don’t think to themselves, ‘This is a Reduhblican state – I’ll just go around it and hit the blue state on the other side.’ They don’t have passports and they don’t need visas. To withhold help from states to punish them for their politics now is to guarantee the states that supported you will get hit hard by the virus in the future!”
“What she said,” Governor Lopomocuomo agreed, looking for all the world like somebody had just forced him to swallow a turtle whole. Although Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich was not available for public comment, aides assured the press that he was still alive and eager to affirm conservative judges to courts across the country.
Perhaps next time, Governor Lopomocuomo will have more input into his menu…