Good evening.
Our top story tonight: Industry Minister Allan Rock has decided not to run for the Liberal Party leadership. Frontman Paul Martin, now virtually assured of victory, said he was looking forward to “a very vigorous race” featuring a healthy “debate of ideas.” To ensure this, the Liberal Party is negotiating with Jim Henson Productions to create a new muppet specifically for the leadership contest. “Lefty,” a purple and blue pseudo-humanoid, will appear at leadership debates to give the centre-right Martin a straw…err, puppet to beat up on. Lefty will also appear in all of Martin’s attack ads. Not surprisingly, The Irrational Post has already declared Lefty more popular than Prime Minister Jean Chretien.
In other news: last week, Defense Minister John McCallum suggested that Canada might fight Iraq alongside the United States even without a UN mandate. This week, Prime Minister Chretien insisted that “on matters of peace and security, the international community” needs to work through the UN Security Council. Wow. Who could have guessed that bitch slapping fellow government members could cross national borders? Or be so much fun to watch?
Of course, the Prime Minister didn’t actually rule out the possibility that Canada would go to war with the Americans against Iraq without UN sanction. As we all know, a Canadian bitch slapping is only worth approximately 65 per cent of an American bitch slapping.
Hans Blix, head of the United Nations weapons inspections team in Iraq, said there is still no evidence the country has weapons of mass destruction, but he had serious questions to put to Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. And, a little voice went off in the back of my head: “The fix is in! The! Fix! Is! In! Even if the UN finds absolutely no evidence of weapons of mass destruction, they’ll leave enough questions open so that the US will feel justified in invading the country!”
I have not heard the little voice going off in my head for several days. I now believe that it’s somewhere in Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay. A spokesperson for the US Army said: “We can neither confirm nor deny that we have detained a specific person’s little voice in their head. All I can tell you is that all little voices in heads are fed a nourishing diet of excerpts from the Congressional Record.” I was about to point out the fact that this contravened the Geneva Convention on the Treatment of Prisoners of War when the Army spokesman added: “They’re kept in a shoebox, but that’s actually an improvement since it’s bigger than all but a handful of human heads.”
As a result of increased military spending and tax cuts for the wealthy, the American government’s deficit has ballooned to $159 billion, and may, in fact, grow as high as $350 billion by the end of the year. I guess that’s what happens when you replace tax and spend liberals with spend but don’t tax conservatives.
Despite a dismal record of human rights abuses, Libya is set to chair the United Nations’ Human Rights Commission. Although the general response to the announcement has been great appalledness, one longtime UN watcher did allow, “Libya has some unique tools to bring to bear on nations that do not protect the human rights of their citizens.” I’m sure S/M enthusiasts in governments around the world can’t wait.
And, now, it’s time once again for a trip to that magical place known as the American Imaginary. According to a recent poll, about half of Americans believe that Saddam Hussein was responsible for the terrorist attack on the World Trade Centre and the Pentagon. Wow. Trippy man. It must be nice to be able to develop opinions that have no visible connection to the real world. Facts – they just get in the way of the imagination, man.
In local news: the suicide rate for editorial cartoonists in Toronto has nearly doubled with the announcement that Mayor Mel Lastman will not be seeking another term. “He was a giant among clowns,” one editorial cartoonist sobbed. “When shall we see his like again?” Another moaned, “Oh, well – there’s always auto insurance!” It must be nice to feel so wanted.
In business news: the United States has offered Canada a deal on lumber: do everything we want. When Canadian officials pointed out that deals usually involve some form of benefit to both sides, an American trade representative said, “Okay, Sparky. Tell you what. How’s about we put a big fat maple leaf on all American products made with Canadian wood?” Hmm…somebody should explain to the Americans that Canadians still understand the difference between a maple leaf and a fig leaf…
The Canadian Council of Chief Executives wants the Canadian/US border to virtually disappear by coordinating policies on trade, immigration, security and defence. This is not an attack on Canadian sovereignty, the CCCE insisted, since Parliament will still be responsible for parking violations and commercial zoning by-laws. On the bright side, this could prompt the Prime Minister to step down before 2004…
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: Prime Minister Jean Chretien is said to be reconsidering his government’s stated policy of liberalizing marijuana laws after President George Junior gave the country a sharp, dirty look. When the Liberals introduce the legislation decriminalizing pot, I would suggest that it include a provision designating all residents of Canada as fighter pilots. The US government appears to have no qualms about what they put in their bodies!
Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
This week, Deadline News introduces a new feature: lifestyle watch. This does not mean that we are decreasing our commitment to hard news. Think of it, instead, as Deadline News increasing our commitment to maximizing our market share.
Forget power yoga. The latest trend in Buddhism is extreme meditation. This is where initiates intentionally allow their minds to wander so that they will be hit with sticks by monks. The initiate who passes out last wins. “All paths lead to wisdom,” one monk stated, adding, “but some paths are more painful than others.”
A report in the New England Journal of Medicine estimates that sponges, clamps and other medical paraphernalia are left inside approximately 1,500 patients in the US every year. And, you know, I don’t think this is what Donna Haraway had in mind when she wrote about cyborgs.
In a story last week, New York Senator Hilary Rodham Clinton stated, “Canadians need to get their pointy heads out of their asses and stop terrorists from bringing weapons grade Big Macs across the border!” Apparently, this was incorrect. Her anti-Canadian tirade was based on a report that, although prominent in the media, turned out to be a hoax. In response to this information, Rodham Clinton said: “Just because there’s no evidence that terrorists are flooding across the Canadian border doesn’t mean it’s not happening!” With logic like that, Rodham Clinton should be a prime contender if she really does run for President in 2008.
I’m sure Canadians worried about the country’s relationship with the US regret Rodham Clinton’s error…even if she doesn’t.
And, finally: Between September 2000 and December 2002, 1,597 Palestineans adults and 300 Palestinean children were killed. During the same time period, 642 Israeli adults and 82 Israeli children were killed. Am I being anti-semitic yet?
Good night.