by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
It’s like that movie – you know the one – where the main character has, like, this thing? With his brain? Where he, like, can’t remember stuff and stuff? Me…something. Meeee…mory movie. No? It’ll come to me. Anyway, watching the President address the recent delivery of pipe bombs to prominent Dumboprats and journalists at a campaign rally in North Pennsylaska was exactly like that, only ultimately even more confusing. And, watching in our homes, there was no concession stand where we could get popcorn. 🙁
When he was speaking from his teleprompter, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf would say, “The political rhetoric in this country has been dangerously overheated. We need to return to civil, fact-based discourse.”
Then, somebody in the crowd wearing a MVGA hat would get his attention, and the President would continue without taking a breath, “And, when I say ‘we,’ I actually mean the Dumbopratic obstructionapples who are rioting in the streets and making life heck for highly qualified Extreme Court nominees! The highliest qualified in the history of the Extreme Court! The most highiestliest qualified since Mickey Moose was a steamboat captain!”
After the cheering died down, President McDruhitmumpf, turning back to the teleprompter, would continue, “In a democracy, political differences are not settled through violence. They are settled by reasoned discourse which allows the best ideas to rise to the top.”
Then, somebody shouted, “Hang ’em high! Hang ’em high!” Soon after, the entire crowd started shouting, “Hang ’em high! Hang ’em high!” And, the President, grinning at his followers, responded, “You know what those lying liars in the lying media need? A good bodyslam. Just…take them…take them by the shoulders and really: WHAM! Just WHAM! them! That would teach them a thing or two about a free and responsible press!”
The President held out his hands and twisted his body to illustrate what he meant, a gesture not unlike a demented game show model indicating the availability of last year’s model of car, only with less gravitas.
“I was getting intellectual whiplash from the President’s teleprompter twitchiness,” commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “I mean, okay, a neck brace would be a good look for me. But, aah, no. Fashion aside, that would not be good.”
One can only imagine how other Reduhblican leaders responded to the President’s speech. Oh, wait. No, we don’t have to imagine how other Reduhblican leaders responded to the President’s speech. We know exactly how other Reduhblican leaders responded to the President’s speech. We have tape of how other Reduhblican leaders responded to the President’s speech.
“Violence against your political opponents is wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich. Then, he chuckled. The sound – a cross between metal chairs being scraped on a concrete floor and a turtle getting its throat slit – could freeze the blood of an adult at 50 paces. Once he was sure he had icked out everybody in the room, Senate Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich continued: “But, body slamming journalists? Honestly, who hasn’t fantasized about doing that from time to time. You know, Monday to Friday and twice on Sundays?”
“The Reduhblicans have always been the party of intellectual rigour and fact-based policy,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap. “But, uhh, yeah. Definitely. Liberals suck. Destroy them. Destroy them all. And…stuff…”
“He’s vice signalling,” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam stated. “Oh, yeah. You can tell. He was vice signalling all over the place. Turtle Majority Leader, too.”
Vice signalling happens when somebody says something vile, not out of honest conviction or belief, but but because their peers expect it. Like the bat signal, it’s a big, bright, shining message aimed at a select audience; unlike the bat signal, the message it sends is: “Uhh, hi. I can be just as much of a selfish, greedy douchenozzle as you can be, so please, please, please let me be in your club!”
Vice signalling – definitely for the faint of heart.
“As President McDruhitmumpf says increasingly outrageous things, more and more Reduhblicans will vice signal agreement with his 2:37 in the morning rage tweeps so that they don’t become the subject of the next day’s 2:37 in the morning rage tweep,” explained token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam. She imagined a time when the entire Reduhblican leadership would be constantly vice signalling positions none of them actually believed in.
What would happen to the country if that nightmare scenario actually came to pass? “I suspect complete anarchy,” the token smart person allowed, “but I’m kind of hoping for comic opera!”