Everybody’s Baby: Belinda Stronach makes the front page of The Globe and Mail by saying she’ll consider allowing two tier health care. Still cute. Still unfit to lead the country. This is news?
Didn’t Even Do a Victory Lap or High Five: Belinda Stronach attends a debate with other Conservative Party leader hopefuls Stephen Harper and Tony Clement. She does not spit up, make strangling gurgling noises or fall to the floor in a dead heap. People in her camp consider her performance a major victory.
She’s Got the DeTerminat(or)ion: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that he and other foreign born citizens of the United States should be allowed to run for President. Belinda Stronach immediately expresses interest in the position.
“From a burnt out crater that used to be a hospital in lovely, scenic downtown Kabul, Afghanistan, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.”
The sun is setting on the free people of Kabul. It is purple and deep, deep blue. We probably have the toxic waste dump that’s on fire to blame for this beautiful sunset – not unlike an eye that has just been punched. I…I’m sorry – being in a war zone brings out the poet in me.
Subaru Debutante has never felt the acid fear of knowing that death was just around the corner, but she does live just around the corner from a Seven 11, so she does know the acid reflux of knowing that the remains of a hot dog is flitting around her colon, as this report demonstrates.
“Canada is currently discussing the possibility of allowing American missiles on its soil. The unfortunately named David Pratt, Canada’s Minister of Defense, said, ‘Okay, you know their ballistic missile defence programme is not going to work. I know their ballistic missile defence programme is not going to work. But, they were relentless. Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag – there was just no other way to get them to shut up about the damn thing!’ Consider this the ‘Battling Bickersons’ approach to foreign relations and defence policy. From Ottawa, this is Subaru Debutante for The Irrational.”
I was speaking to a native Afghani before the broadcast – Jeem. With a wry smile, Jeem told me: “Bastards invaded our country and hung us out to dry!” Yes, the gratitude for the American ouster of the Taliban is palpable.
What motivates men to kill each other? As Ian Hawdogoatsing demonstrates in this report, we still have a long way to go before we can answer this pressing question.
“American TV talk show host Conan O’Brien apologized to French Canadians for the anti-Quebec tirade of one of his feature acts. Sort of. Clearly, O’Brien didn’t quite understand his audience, or he would have known that the outrage anglophone Canadians expressed was mostly because they don’t like foreigners making of fun of francophones – that’s our job.
“Case in point: English Canadian politicians sighed heavily and said that the sponsorship scandal that involved five French advertising firms was to be expected because ‘that’s the way business is done in Quebec.’ I don’t see anybody offering any of them a million dollars to host a talk show in Toronto, but, then again, I don’t hear anybody demanding that they never come back to the city, either. From Toronto, this is Ian Hawdogoatsing reporting.”
There can be no doubt that the role of women in Afghanistan has improved dramatically since the Taliban were routed. Before, women had to wear veils over their nose. Now, they are allowed to wear their veils under their nose. In the capital city of Kabul. Before sunset. While it’s true that Erin von Stroop, a segment producer for The Irrational, was thrashed by roaming clerics because she was wearing jeans, we’ve been assured that she will not actually be forced to marry an 80 year-old yak farmer. So, that’s progress, anyway.
Rahul Festrunk proudly served in the 24th Airborne Wingnut Division of the military in Vietnam. Later, he threw other people’s medals at President Johnson to protest the waste of precious metals…or something like that. You wouldn’t know any of this from the following report.
“An incident in which three or four American police cruisers sped into Ontario in pursuit of a carjacking suspect which ended in the death of a 40 year-old Niagara Falls woman is currently being investigated. ‘We’re outraged,’ a representative of the Ontario Ministry of Bizarre Occurrences and Propane Promotion calmly explained. ‘They should have left their guns at the border.’ At the same time, Buford LaPusser, spokesperson for the Buffalo police force, calmly replied: ‘Suck eggs, foreign scum! You think we’re going to let a little thing like a border stop us from pursuing criminals? Haven’t you been paying attention to our foreign policy?’ From Niagara Falls – the pretty, Canadian side – this is Rahul Festrunk reporting for The Irrational.”
Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai refused repeated requests for an interview, claiming that the hole he was hiding in wasn’t big enough for a camera crew. We offered to bring shovels, but to no avail…
Anson Bergecheck hates intolerant people – he would have made a great drill sergeant. Can you tell it in his voice?
“Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty may be backing off of a campaign promise to freeze all university and college tuition, allowing some programmes to increase their fees. ‘Hey, kids have got to learn how things work in the real world sometime,’ the Premier quipped. Funny. Ontario voters thought they were getting Mister Rogers and have ended up with a Jolly Roger. This is Anson Bergecheck reporting from Toronto.”
They must really love their soldiers in Afghanistan, because every day seems to be poppy day…
Eldred Cleavuntoer fled the United States in the 1960s to avoid the draft, and now he lives in a house with a vicious draft. As the following report indicates, the cold medicine really helps hide the raspiness in his voice.
“Tests on a mysterious white powder found in a United States senate office building found that it was 97 per cent glucose – common sugar. The Senate was immediately put on high alert for heart attack, respiratory failure and other diseases of the obese. ‘This is the real threat to the nation’s health!’ one Congressional aide said, wiping a suspicious white substance from her upper lip. This is Eldred Cleavuntoer reporting from behind a treadmill in his local gym.”
Oh, look: fireworks. The citizens of Kabul are either celebrating their freedom or fighting off warlords from the north with mortar fire. Either way, what a sight to behold!
Buffy would look great in military fatigues. Imagine her in khaki while listening to the following report.
“President George W. Bush’s beloved springer spaniel Spot has died. Oddly enough, Spot’s death has been given more play in the press than the 10,000 or more civilians who have been killed since the American invasion of Iraq. ‘Did any of them sit in my lap and slobber all over my hands to get to a Milk Bone I was holding?’ the President said. ‘Where’s your humanity?’ This is Buffy reporting from Washington.”
We left our humanity behind when we entered the war zone, Mister President. That’s the only way we could do our jobs.
Science and environment reporter David Sosumi is fighting a different kind of war, a war against the corporations that would destroy the planet with pollution. Boring, I know, but, as the following report shows, at least he’s pithy.
“According to an article in the journal Nicotine & Tobacco Research, non-smokers like nicotine less than smokers do. Time for the journal to expand its mandate? From New York, this is David Sosumi reporting.”
The people of Afghanistan are gearing up for their first democratic elections. Of course, they probably won’t actually be held until the Age of Aries, so keeping up their enthusiasm up may be a challenge.
Eloise Tendentious would kill me if she knew I was linking her to war in any way, so let’s just go straight to her latest report.
“The Passion of the Christ opened this week, giving Mel Gibson the opportunity to claim that he had to remove a scene where a Rabbi says that the blood of Christ should be on the heads of all Jews because ‘if I included that in there, they’d be coming after me at my house, they’d come kill me.’ Who, exactly? Roman Centurians? Such outbursts are only to be expected, I suppose. After all, Gibson wouldn’t be the first director who identified too closely with his main character.
“In a related item, Father Thomas Rosica recommends the film highly, saying that it could lead to a more honest dialogue between Christians and Jews. I would love to share some of that dialogue with you, but there may be children present. From Los Angeles, this is Eloise Tendentious saying: ‘Just you wait til I get back to Toronto, Joe Anchor, and I’ll show you the meaning of war.'”
One of the advantages of reporting from a foreign country is the ability to try a new cuisine. Unfortunately, with food in short supply, the local delicacy seems to be a combination of sawdust and a thin glue. It doesn’t taste any worse than poutine, but it does stick to the roof of your mouth…
Jian Gezundheight is too young to have experienced the sting of battle or the loss of war, but he once got crushed at the front of a Limp Bizkit concert, so he isn’t entirely unfamiliar with the concept of pain.
“Eve Ensler’s celebrated play The Vagina Monologues opened in Cairo. Of course, it had to be altered somewhat to account for Middle Eastern sensibilities, but many women who attended this version said it was the most empowering 10 minutes of theatre they had ever seen. From Cairo, this is Jian Gezundheight reporting for The Irrational.”
President Bush supports a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriages. This would be the first amendment to the Constitution that actually limited the rights of Americans rather than expanding them. Later in the broadcast, we have a panel discussion of whether polyester leisure suits should be next…