INT. MITCH McCONNELL’S CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE – DAY
MITCH McCONNELL and an AIDE are sitting on opposite sides of his desk. McConnell looks like a very unhappy turtle, indeed.
AIDE: Now, Senator, Donald Trump won the Indiana primary in a blowout –
MITCH McCONNELL: (moans) I know, I know…
AIDE: And, Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the race, leaving Trump as the presumptive Republican nominee for the upcoming presidential election.
McCONNELL: I know. I know. Believe me, I know…
AIDE: You know what you have to do about this?
McCONNELL: (brightens) Beat Trump to death with a ping pong racquet and frame Hillary Clinton for the murder?
AIDE: Nooooo… Sir. Very creative suggestion, but no. It would leave us without a candidate, and Clinton would probably avoid the consequences of our frameup. Remember how she slithered away from Benghazi?
McCONNELL: (shudders) Uggh!
AIDE: No, you and other members of the Republican establishment are going to have to encourage party members to rally around the presumptive nominee.
McCONNELL: Me? Why me?
AIDE: Well, sir, you are the Senate Majority leader.
McCONNELL: What about Paul Ryan? He’s Speaker of the House, and he hasn’t rallied around shit! Said he couldn’t support Trump now, but maybe he would in the future. Maybe he would in the future! In the future, we could all have purple skin and drive self-driving cars! Nobody knows what will happen in the future – that’s what makes it the future!
AIDE: Speaker Ryan is negotiating for a position in Trump’s Cabinet. This is just his opening bargaining position.
McCONNELL: Why do I have to do what’s best for the party when somebody like Paul Ryan is doing what’s best for his career?
AIDE: When has Paul Ryan ever done anything that was not best for his career?
PAUSE.
AIDE: So. You have to talk about how great a President Donald Trump is going to make.
McCONNELL: Nobody’s going to believe that! Not after I called him a great steaming carbuncle on the ass of the body politic!
AIDE: The American people have short memories. Nobody is going to remember –
McCONNELL: I only called him that two days ago!
AIDE: Erm. Yes. Well. People understand that what you say in the heat of a primary is not necessarily what you will feel in the heat of a general election.
McCONNELL: I said that he has the policy grasp of a three year-old and he looks like he constantly sucks lemons and bathes in oranges!
AIDE: We’ll just spin that to mean he will be good at explaining policy to America’s youth and he’s in a perfect position to make lemon…and, umm, orangeade. Is there a word for that? You know, like lemangeade or –
McCONNELL: He won’t return my calls!
AIDE: (gently) Perhaps if you wouldn’t say such mean things about him…
PAUSE.
AIDE: Alright, sir. If we could start with something simple. Repeat after me: “As President, Donald Trump will make American great again.”
McCONNELL: That’s his campaign slogan!
AIDE: It will show him that you’ve been paying attention. Now: “As President, Donald Trump will make America great again.”
McCONNELL: As President, Donald Trump will make America gr…
AIDE: Yes?
McCONNELL: Gr…
AIDE: Almost there…
McCONNELL: Grrrrr…ate again.
AIDE: Now, put it all together…
McCONNELL: As President, Donald Trump will make America grate again.
AIDE: There, that wasn’t so hard, was – wait a minute. Did you just use a homophone of the word “great?”
McCONNELL: Certainly not! I mean, some of my best friends are homophexuals, but I would never say so publicly – I wouldn’t want to alienate the part of the party’s base that is homophonic.
AIDE: Please, Senator, don’t screw around with the word.
McCONNELL: They sound exactly the same. Who would know?
AIDE: The bastards at The New York Times would know. Their editorial board is full of east coast liberal homophexuals and homophone lovers!
McCONNELL: Okay, okay.
AIDE: From the top: “As President, Donald Trump will make America great again.”
McCONNELL: As President, Donald Trump will make America “great” again.
AIDE: Okay. Very goo – did you put scare quote air quotes around the word “great?”
McCONNELL: I…maybe.
AIDE: Need I remind you that the Republican Party does not do irony? Irony is effete. Irony is elitist. Irony is relativistic. If you say something ironically, you will be betraying everything that the modern Republican Party stands for! You do understand that, don’t you, sir?
McCONNELL: (mumbles)
AIDE: Sir?
McCONNELL: (subdued) Yeah, yeah, I understand.
AIDE: Right. So. One more time, with complete sincerity and use of all the right words: “As President, Donald Trump will make America great again.”
McCONNELL: (quietly) As President, Donald Trump will make America great again.
AIDE: Okay. Good. I know how hard that must have been for you. Why don’t we take a break, and then we can work on your support for Trump’s policies…