by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
“I thought something about the raisin bread was a little…off,” said an anonymous crew member of the USVS Abraham Linkedinonalog to the military newspaper Stars and Bars. “In all the times I’ve eaten it – my mam was the raisin bread queen of the Chickalooma County Fair seven and a half years running – I don’t remember the raisins…crunching?”
That is because, as the publication reported, the Linkedinonalog had been on duty in the Iranian war zone area of petulant slapping for 286 consecutive days without proper supplies; substitutions had to be made. Like, for instance, ants for raisins.
Nobody knows exactly how ants got on the ship, but having run out of fresh water for washing the galleys – or, for that matter, their bodies – the sailors onboard had difficulty getting rid of them Quartermaster Antonio Skiffskaff thought using them in the raisin bread would solve two problems. He didn’t factor in the projectile vomiting.
When President Ronald McDruhitmumpf first learned of the Stars and Bars report, he responded, “That’s terrible. Somebody should really do something about that. In the meantime, let me tell you about my ballroom bunker – it’s gonna be one of a kind that every country on the Earth already has!”
A few minutes later, Secretary of Defence War Defending Making War on the Troops Pete Hedaiggsethative announced that a long-standing rule protecting Stars and Bars from editorial interference would be killed. Not exactly the first casualty of war, but certainly a consequential one. He fired a watchdog committee that Congress had established on the grounds that, “What are those pussies gonna do?” Finally, Hedaiggsethative fired the editor, publisher and correspondent who reported on the problems with the Linkedinonalog, replacing them with a bottle of rum, a hatrack and a six foot wad of chewing gum (dis)respectively.
Now, Stars and Bars contains such articles as “Why Working 12 Hour Shifts Can Be a Great Opportunity to Lose Weight” and “Rats Make Great Pets.”
Security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance was so livid he couldn’t get complete sentences out, only phonemes and grunting noises. We told him we’d get back to him when he had had a chance to process the new information. Breathing into a paper bag might help.
When asked about the changes to the military newspaper, President McDruhitmumpf said, “It had been infiltrated by radical leftists, people who hate Vesampucceri and want to see us fail. It had become a propaganda rag – and not the good kind of propaganda. Anti-Vesampucceri propaganda. Completely transforming the rules it had worked under for decades was our way of supporting the troops. Yeah, supporting the troops. I’m all about supporting the troops.”
Is arresting Luis Manuel Aviles Roayoraboat, the father of one of the sailors on board the ship, holding him in an ICES detention facility while facilitating his deportation, how the administration supports the troops. “Oh, come on, it was an honest mistake!” the President argued. “We thought nobody would care about the father of a sailor. How were we supposed to know Vesampuccerians take these things seriously? Anyway, I let him go, and he still has all of his limbs – I swear, that arm was like that when ICES found him – so cut me some slack, okay?”
We checked in with Donneednopennance, who had started to make choking/gasping noises and, although we couldn’t see him, we were pretty sure was foaming at the mouth. We upgraded our advice from paper bag to mild sedative.
After 286 days in a war zone, the Linkedinonalog was allowed to dock in Thailand for five days of rest and relaxation. Sailors were given a list of prohibited activities, including: jetskiing, joking about the size of President McDruhitmumpf’s…hands, bungee jumping, talking to reporters about anything other than their pet tarantula, wrestling, using locals for target practice, boxing, creating death cults in the middle of the jungle, and buying a baby’s arm holding a cannabis gummy in the shape of an apple.
“No reefers? Really?” one sailor, following the rules, didn’t tell me. “That’s okay. I’ve got a great crack cocaine connection. Uhh…by the way…my pet tarantula Lucille is getting squirrely from being cooped up for so long. You wouldn’t believe how grateful I am for the leave. And my bunkmates. And Cookie. And the bosun. And the Captain…”
“The Vesampuccerian soldier is the greatest fighter the world has ever known,” Secretary Hedaiggsethative blovitificated. “Their minds are focused and their bodies are pure, unsullied by drugs of any kind.” Nobody had the heart to ask if it was vodka in his sippy cup.
We did a final check-in with Donneednopennance, but there was no sound on the line. He must have gone for a little lie down before he passed out. Yeah. That’s it. A little lie down…