Clark and Lois were tooling around Metropolis in Clark’s new BMW. Lois ran a hand through Clark’s perfectly coiffed curls, staring at him in amazement. Amazement tinged with affection. Who would have thought that the world’s biggest nerd could have turned into such a brilliant businessman?
Clark and Lois were returning to work after a fabulous lunch at Sprouts ‘N’ Greens. Lois had been impressed; Superman may have taken her to dinner in the Arctic, but he didn’t know where the really chic places to eat in Metropolis were.
“Did you enjoy the meal?” Clark asked, full of confidence.
“Very much,” Lois purred.
“I was disappointed by the wine,” Clark commented. He was about to elaborate when he heard the cries of a little girl with his *PATENTED* super hearing. Quickly scanning the area with his *PATENTED* super vision, he saw that the girl had fallen into a river and was quite prepared, without his intervention, to drown.
Clark hit himself in the head. “Lois,” he said, urgency in his voice, “I completely forgot that I have a two o’clock appointment with my broker. We’re taking over some small corporation or other – would you mind terribly if I dropped you here and you made your own way back?”
Lois looked at Clark with admiration. “Not terribly,” she replied, and got out at the next light.
Using his *PATENTED* super speed to change into costume, Superman ditched the car and rescued the child. After a few seconds on the bank of the river, she coughed her way back to consciousness. “Are you okay?” Superman asked her. The girl nodded.
“I’m Superman,” Superman introduced himself. “Who are you?”
“Joan Seigel Schuster,” the girl replied.
“What happened, Joan?”
“I accidentally fell into the river,” the girl answered, “and was about to swim away when I saw this big metal thing. I tried to swim away from it, but I hit my head…are you really Superman?”
“Yes, I really am.”
“Can I have your autograph?”
Superman didn’t immediately answer, but used his *PATENTED* super vision to scan the floor of the river. After a couple of seconds (ignoring the little girl who was admiringly feeling his bicep), he found two metal drums, marked with a skull and crossbones and the name Metro Chemicals.
Superman used his *PATENTED* super flight power to drop the girl off at the nearest police station, then started off for the Metro Chemicals plant in the south end of Metropolis. Before he got there, however, he remembered that Clark Kent owned substantial Metro Chemicals stock. Stopped in mid-air, he tried to figure out what to do.
Several hours later, he was still stumped. Clearly, Metro Chemicals was illegally dumping toxic materials into the river, endangering the health of all those who lived in Metropolis. On the other hand, as a major shareholder, Superman would seriously damage Clark Kent’s stock portfolio if he intervened.
Using his *PATENTED* super flight powers, Superman sped off to New York, home of Warner Communications. There, he sought out a small, balding man named Julius Schwartz in the offices of DC Comics.
“S..Superman,” Schwartz nervously greeted the *PATENTED* superhero, closing the door behind them. “How’s it going? I haven’t seen you since we sold The Daily Planet.”
Superman was super serious. “We have to talk about the new direction you want to take my comic book in,” he said.
Schwartz shrugged. “We’ve got to keep up with the times,” he rationalized, “and stay relevant to our target readership.”
“You’ve turned Clark into the worst kind of Yuppie nightmare,” Superman stated, seething, “and destroyed the original premise of the book. The pathos of the Clark Kent/Lois lane relationship is that Kal El wanted the flawed Clark to be loved for his humanity rather than the perfect Superman for his…perfection. By changing Clark’s character, you’ve tampered with what made the book special.
“And, now, as if that weren’t enough, instead of defending the weak, I’ve got protect Clark’s investments!”
“Supes, baby,” Schwartz schmoozed, putting a paternalistic arm around Superman’s shoulders, “don’t be so reactionary. You take this much too seriously.”
“We’re talking about my image, Schwartz,” Superman insisted. “We’re talking about a 50 year-old legend.”
“We’re talking about the continued vitality of your character,” Schwartz corrected him. “Warner Communications explained it all to me. Besides, you have to look at it in the proper perspective…”
“And, what’s that?”
“It’s only a comic book.”