by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
When the House Oversight Committee asked 81 different individuals and institutions for documents and testimony, many complied, some surprisingly so. Steve O’Bannonallhope, for example, took time out of his busy schedule sabotaging the governments of European allies to send the Committee enough documents to insulate all the AirBnBBs in Frankfurt!
The Grey House’s response, by way of contrast, was to send a message. And, the message was: “We’re sorry, but we can’t come to the phone right now. If we aren’t out of the office making the world safe for idiotocracy, we’re walking the dog. Anyhoo… At the sound of the beep, leave your name, number and a Goldilocks-lengthed message and nobody will get back to you at our earliest possible inconvenience. Robert Meullitallover will burn in Hell! Byeeeeee!” This was unusual inasmuchasPresidentRonald – sorry. I had trouble finding the end of that word. This was unusual inasmasPres – since! This was unusual since President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has not only made it clear that his favourite pet is a Pentuphouse centrefold, but because the request for documents had not been submitted by phone.
Thinking that it may have been a moderate mistake that was easily correct (as if anything the McDruhitmumpf administration does is moderate!), Committee Chair Elijah Cummingsengoings sent the request for documents to the Grey House a second time. It’s response? It sent back an RSVP to Isaac Kimmelfarberman’s bar mitzvah with the “Not coming” and “Not giving a gift” boxes checked and the note, “I hope your monster of a son becomes a doctor and dies of a [illegible] painful disease that he could have easily diagnosed himself, but didn’t!” scribbled in the margin.
“It’s almost as if they don’t want to supply us with any information,” Chair Cummingsengoings muttered under his breath.
Actually, it’s precisely that the Grey House doesn’t want to give the Oversight Committee any information. They said as much in a press release headlined, “Grey House Decides Not to Give House Oversighs [sic] Committee Any Information.” To ensure that reporters got the message, it was leaked to select journalists in an email titled, “IMMEDIATE ATTENTIONS: Your Bankebank account will be terminated in 24 seconds if you don’t give us all of your personal information…for…you know…verification purposes because…we are totally trustworthy representatives of Bankebank! We even have their logo and everything, so you know we must be legit!!!!”
“If I didn’t know any better,” Chair Cummingsengoings muttered in the general vicinity of his breath, “I would swear that the Grey House is not cooperating with our investigation. Good thing I know better. Because if I didn’t, I might have to go back on Valium!”
“The Vesampuccerian government was designed like a jigsaw puzzle,” said presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess. “A jigsaw puzzle that nobody can agree on the design of made up of three massive pieces that are constantly at war with each other. This is what, in presidential historian school, we call “‘checks and balances.'”
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said Grey House spokeshrill KellyAnne Conwaytwittiest. “Oversight means sight over. Meaning, looking over the fabled gables of the Grey House to the Washburningdington home of Bill and Hillary Roocartoncleveman. That is where the Oversight Committee should be sighting!”
The Language Corrector Dude started vibrating visibly in anticipation of a question in his field. So, I asked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam to respond to Conwaytwittiest, instead. No point risking the strings that hold together the fabric of the universe.
“Oversight involves investigating potential wrongdoing by people in power,” she explained. “The different branches of government are supposed to keep each other honest. You know, like the three massive pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that nobody can agree on the design of. Only, with more leaks.”
If the Grey House homesteadfastly refuses to cooperate, the Oversight Committee can issue subpoenas to compel – hee hee. I said, subpoenas! Ha ha! I said it again! Subpoenas! Subpoenas! Subpoenas! Sub – what? But, it sure sounds dirty – are you positive? Okay, then.
If the Grey House homesteadfastly refuses to cooperate, it will be opening up a whole new frontier in Vesampuccerian jurisprudence. The Committee can issue subpoenas – which is a perfectly legitimate word which, I am informed, is in no way a reference to a naughty bit – to compel the Grey House to give it the documents it wants. The Grey House could then ask the courts to quash the – quick, think of something boring! – subpoenas. Then, there will be a lot of blah, blah, blah, and the whole mess will end up being heard by the Extreme Court.
In that case, if Justice Brett Kavanaugheylno is sporting a hangover from a weekend kegger (that only ended on Tuesday afternoon, but it felt like forever!), anything could happen!